Teach Me!

Here's a little something to amuse you while we're all waiting for the news on the other degenerate gambler who is embarrassing his sports league.

Tim Donaghy: The Movie

No matter how things ultimately turn out in the NBA Ref Game Fixing saga, one thing on which you can bet the farm is that there's a gaggle of would-be screenwriters out there hacking out script ideas to pitch to Hollywood. At least I hope that the eventual movie is a major motion picture and not some lameass ESPN production. The last thing I want to see is John Turturro and his Mickey Mouse ears running up and down the hardcourt over the span of several weeks!


I know the facts of the case are yet to be revealed, and as yet nobody has even been officially charged of anything, but this has all the makings for a summer blockbuster. You've got racial tension of a white official fixing a predominantly black game. You've got the FBI squaring off against yet-to-be-named organized crime figures. And you have the Jewish conspiracy question of "what did David Stern know, and when did he know it?"

We'll worry about who will play what roles later, once more names and faces are added to the mix, but for now, as they say in Hollywood, let's cut to the chase.

In other words, how does this movie end, or more specifically, what will be the fate of Mr. Tim Donaghy?

As I see it, there are four possible outcomes:

A) a long term reservation at the greybar hotel
B) a guilt-ridden suicide
C) a Soprano's style gangland whacking
D) a Jimmy Hoffa-esque disappearance

Smart money is on option A) above, as the other three more dramatic endings usually only occur in the cinema, but those are the ones that the screenwriters are hoping for.

A guilt ridden suicide is the most lame, as it makes the ref into a sympathetic character and robs the bloodthirsty viewers of the ultimate rub out, especially those who may have lost money on actual games Donaghy had officiated.

The gangland hit has the most potential, from a classic movie ending standpoint, but it's pretty cliche' at this point, so much so the final episode of The Sorpanos decided that sucking was a better option.

Option D) provides a lot of intrigue (and possibly a sequel) as it leaves a ton of unanswered questions. Did the mob get to him? Did the FBI dump him in witness protection? Did he escape and is now living on the lamb? Or did David Stern exercise his ultimate authority as the most powerful commissioner of the four three major sports leagues, and call in the hit himself?

So while we all have to wait to see what ultimately happens to this weasley bastard who has now called into question every ump, ref, and officiating crew working the major leagues.

Readers are welcome to use the comment area and try your hand at writing the final scene of Tim Donaghy: The Movie yourself. For my money, I'd like to see him and Bill Leavy holding hands while driving off the edge of a cliff Thelma and Louise style!

(this item was written before reading the similarly themed Bill Simmons piece on ESPN.com)

Who's Now? ESPN, You Ignorant Slut

Call me a throwback; a crumudgeon; a bona fide, old school, pain in the ass. From my very first glance of the Who's Now segment on ESPN's SportCenter, I greeted it with a filthy abhorrence.

Granted, it's a completely harmless and benign exercise of fan preference. Nobody dies or gets hurt. But deep down, the sports fan in me wants to tell the folks at ESPN to stop altering the goddamn fundamentals of sport.

Throughout July, "SportsCenter" will air "Who's Now," a daily series in which viewers will help ESPN determine the ultimate sports star by considering both on-field success and off-field buzz. Based on fan nominations, ESPN Research selected 32 finalists to square off in a single-elimination bracket. The winner of each matchup will advance based upon fan voting (70 percent) and ESPN's three-person panel (30 percent).

This is flat wrong. Sports are, and always have been, about winning. At the sacred fundament of sports is the novel concept that at end of a contest, you are the winner if your score is better that the others. Peceived Greatness and fame in sports comes from doing it repeatedly and against worthy opponents.

Winning the game is the whole purpose of any sport. Popularity, respect, and pussy are all secondary during the contest.

Now I can understand if you're thinking, "Now wait a minute. When I played, it was all about the poon. When I won, I got laid. When I lost, I played the pity card and still got laid. That's what it's all about."

I totally respect that, BUT--I don't know about you, but I was going to get mine anyway. With or without sports, I was determined to hit the love bucket, and not my own speedbag. Sports had nothing to do with it, and it doesn't for anyone else. I firmly believe Wilt Chamberlain would have been a porn star if it weren't for basketball, and he still would have scored penetrated 100 on that fateful night in Hershey, Pennsylvania, just in a different way.

What is ESPN accomplishing with this load of crap, other than turn good athletes into the Paris Hiltons of Sports? Some of their nominees haven't done shit, i.e., Matt Leinart, and yet they are being vaunted as an icon, and attempting to comare him with the likes of Tiger Woods.

This is deplorable. In the same vein as the ESPy's, ESPN is whoring sports into a mindless, empty hype; where given honors are determined, not on the field, but by the number of headlines they can milk from it.

Bottom line: "Off-field buzz" has nothing to do with a player's greatness. Get it the fuck out.

UPDATE: Sports Hernia makes fun of the Now, too.

UPDATE UPDATE: Awful Announcing offers the video clip if you are interested in masochhism.

Mike Sando Leaves Us For the Four-Letter

By now you've probably heard that Seattle Seahawks beat reporter and blogger extraordinaire Mike Sando is leaving the Tacoma News-Tribune for a high-fallootin' job at ESPN.

Internet-based Seahawks fans everywhere are reeling. Right now, there are folks at his former blog repeatedly hitting 'refresh' in the hopes that this is all a cruel joke, that somehow this is actually April 1 or there is a hidden camera on them somewhere.

It's understandable. Sando provided the best Seahawks coverage the world has seen, bar none. He turned his seven course media access meal into easily digested, meaningful and insightful morsels of fact, and presented them to us near instantaneously. He diligently answered our questions, provided spreadsheets full of amazing historical content, and was even capable of a joke or two, sometimes at his own expense.

Probably the most telling indicator of just how highly regarded he has become can be found buried Seahawks fan sites everywhere: The near Biblical phrase, "according to Sando." Google it for yourself. The man was the last word on injuries, free agency, and perceived job security.

Good luck, Mike, and thanks for everything. And good luck to all of you who are coming down from the addiction.

(By the way, just for the record -- I CALLED IT.)

Roger Goodall Is Fair!

While driving around at lunch today, I had to listen to Dan Patrick piss and moan about how NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham is teetering on a slippery slope by anointing himself Judge and Jury in meting out these suspensions.

To this I say BULLSHIT!

This is the same Dan Patrick that lauds the unilateral power that David Stern wields over his league, and even used the fact that Sterns provided no wiggle room when he suspended Ron Artest for the season as an example while discussing the "two weeks off for good behavior" clause in the Tank Johnson sentence.

Hey Dan, if you want to know why Richie is offering LoveBug the ability to reduce his suspension from eight to six games, just look at the schedule.

The Bears open at San Diego and then travel to Kansas City and Dallas, then come three divisional games.

Do the math Dan. 3 + 3 = 6

Not only is the "2 weeks off for good behavior" clause a clear message that Richie wants his players to act as cool as Fonzie on and off the field, but an effort to make it so that each of the three Divisional opponents plays the Tank-less Bears lineup.

Say what you want about the adult-Opie, but you can't say he's not fair.

Of course, don't be surprised if Matt Millen sends Tank Johnson free tickets to the Midwest Rifle and Gun Show, because if he fucks up during his suspension, the Lions, who play in Chicago in Week 8, wouldn't have to face LoveBug at all this season.

Real Men Don't Eat Keyshawn

Lord, have mercy. Keyshawn Johnson retired.

[cue applause]

That's not a bad thing. After 11 NFL seasons, a Super Bowl ring, three Pro Bowls, the status of being the #1 pick of the draft -- he has enjoyed a great football career. I can respect that.

The worst thing I heard today is that ESPN hired him as a pregame analyst.

[cue giant sucking wind sound]

I am honestly dreading these broadcasts. He was annoying enough as a player, when it wasn't his job to talk and form a respectable opinion. But now....?

I can see it already - "Just Gimme the Damn Microphone!" should hit the shelves this summer. His gameday co-analysts will struggle for their due face time as he rambles about things he imagined did on the field. When asked about another player in the game, Johnson will somehow answer the question by talking about himself. And someone, at some point, will goad him into saying something offensively stupid.

Lord, have mercy.

Here's a little bonus Keyshawn for those that have forgotten about his wonderful personality: