NFL Players as Transformers Part 3: the Humans

Here's part one and part two.


The humans are to the Transformer movie what a lecture about European trade policies is to a porno. They really shouldn't be there. I did not pay $7.50 (for a matinee! Damn you Regal Theatres!) to watch Sam Witwicky be more awkward at picking up chicks than I am. I paid that good money to watch giant robots fight each other.

That said, Michael Bay decided we needed a human element to the story. Dear Mr. Bay, No we didn't. We needed more robots and more fighting. Why are Godzilla movies classics? Because the only humans are the people running away from the BROC (Big Reptile on Campus). Plus, the movie adds human characters that weren't in the cartoon. Really, Sam Witwicky would have done us just fine.

Well, here's the anticlimactic third installment of NFL Players as Transformers...

Captain William Lennox: First major human character, leads a team of survivors from a Decepticon attack across the desert in search of a telephone. Is probably smarter then he lets on.

NFL Comparison: Kellen Winslow. Leading the Browns is quite similar to looking for a phone in the desert. Plus, he's a f***ing soldier.

Simmons: Not to be confused with Bill, Simmons is an agent in the uber-secret government group called Sector 7. He says he makes a lot of money, is kind of a dick about the whole thing, but after realizing that the Giant Robots could kill him without realizing it, became Mr. Nicey nice. Was convinced by a teenage girl to strip and was subsequently handcuffed to a pole. You need to know these things.

NFL Comparison: Roger Goodell. Alright, I know he isn't a player, but come on. This fits the man to a T. He talks tough, suspending Pacman Jones for a season all because the Tennessee corner has an abnormal obsession with the weather. Then when his prize Shih Tzu (pun very much intended) Michael Vick dogfights, he comes Softy McLimperton when it comes to discipline. He makes a lot of money, and like Simmons, is probably secretly into bondage. Or at least he will be, just as soon as he can find Gene Upshaw's leash.

John Keller: Is the Secretary of Defense. Allows teenage hackers to help the country figure out what Autobots are. Somehow allows one such person to just casually step into one of his meetings, gets trapped in a room with two hackers and an old computer by some Decepticons. Not going to call him inept, but Canada's invasion is forthcoming in the sequel.

NFL Comparison: Joey Harrington. Is also inept, and will be invading Canada in two years...as a member of the Calgary Stampede.

Mikaela Baines: A hottie with a juvenile record, claims she has a bad habit of falling for guys with big muscles, making it a miracle that Bumblebee is still a virgin. She's a bit of a "grease monkey" and made Sam Witwicky grease his monkey on a lot of occasions. Ends up making out with Sam on top of Bumblebee.

NFL Comparison:



Her name is Kristi. No more explanation.

Sam Witwicky: A geek, who somehow lands the hottie at the end, befriends the Autobots, and finds out that when large, evil robots want to kill you, one can run very, very fast.

NFL Comparison: Shaun Alexander. What, you thought the most important person in the film wouldn't be a Seahawk? Witwicky didn't have sex until the world was saved. Well, were guessing he did it anyway. Shaun waited until marriage before doing the same. (Sex, not saving the world) Shaun is also a bit of a geek, what with his teaching kids to play chess and all. Plus, he can run really fast.


There you have it, NFL players in the transformers movies. Now, if you excuse me, I have more time to kill before training camp opens.

NFL Players as Transformers Part 2: The Decepticons

As I stated last time, I never got into the Transformers cartoons. The current movie was really my first chance to meet Giant Fighting Robots (from space!). So, when I found out the bad guys were named the "Decepticons" I instantly loved them. It sounds like "Lying Robots." Kind of like if Ken Lay founded a group of his close personal friends and called it the "Fraudmen."

The leader of the Cheatin' Dirty robots is Megatron, who looks way more wicked bad ass in the movie then he does in the picture here. Go see it and marvel at Megatron. Honestly, if he had won (oops, spoiler alert!) I totally could have handled him being ruler of the known universe.

So, who in the NFL has what it takes to be a Decepticon? Let me say this, the person I hate the most in the League is Al Davis, but he's not a player. So, I had to, like, put thought into this.

Frenzy: Frenzy is like a Transformer on crack. He jumps around, does stuff really fast, and is an absolute pain in the balls. He plays a big part in the film, and I consider him the worst part of it. Nevertheless, the movie is awesome. But Frenzy is this movie's Jar-Jar Binks.

NFL Comparison: Shawne Merriman. To bring in another movie, I'd like to quote the Big Lebowski for a second here. I don't like your jerk-off name, I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off -- do I make myself clear? . Merriman cheated, a got nothing more then a slap on the wrist, plus he does that moronic sack dance. The Chargers, as a whole, are quite awesome and a joy to watch, but Merriman brings the lot down.

I hate Shawne Merriman.

Barricade: In the movie, Barricade is the first Decepticon we see. He's in the form of a police car, and he like to torment our hero Sam Witwicky. At one point, he tries to run over Sam. Then he gets the living scrap metal beat out of him by Bumblebee, who as I've said before, is a giant, mentally handicapped toaster.

NFL Comparison: Ben Roethlisburger. He's surprisingly agile, but we all know about his driving skills (motorcycle crash) and his IQ (no helmet).

Starscream: Starscream is second in command of the Decepticons, and when he fails, Megatron lets him know. According to Wikipedia, he's also a coward. Plus, my friend whose really into Transformers gave me this little tidbit: If you watch closely in the movie, Starscream (in jet mode) attacks Megatron. He's a little bitch!

NFL Comparison: Eli Manning. He's the Official Little Bitch of the NFL. He's also a coward, and Giants fans, who are like one giant Megatron, let him know ever time he fails. This job is to easy.

Megatron: Known as NBE 1 to the US Government (Non-Biological Extraterrestrial) and known as MOFOBADASS 2 to me. Megatron is the leader of the Decepticons. He was frozen for centuries in the Arctic, and is the reason for all technology in our modern world (we reverse engineered him). He was kept in frozen stasis inside Hoover Dam. He also blew up a lot of shit.

NFL Comparison: Mario Williams. Let me explain, I don't think Williams is evil. He's probably a nice man. I do know this: He's going to be hidden from view playing for the Texans, always unfairly compared to Reggie Bush, and will probably blow up some offensive lines. Sure Megatron is bent on ruling the entire universe, but Williams, like Megatron, will always be misunderstood by NFL fans. Hell, NFL fans don't even understand Megatron! Who knows, maybe the big guy wanted to give us all free beer? Doubtful, but we'll never know because Optimus Prime beat the hell out of him. So, maybe Williams might become a dominant DE, but Merril Hodge will always be there to say, "The Texans should have gone with Reggie Bush!"

Merril Hodge, you're a dick.

Next: Part 3: The Humans.

NFL Players as Transformers Part 1: The Autobots

This past week, I went to go see Transformers. I never watched the cartoon, but anytime there's a movie involving gigantic robot aliens from space fighting each other, I'm game. The movie did not disappoint. If you haven't seen the movie, go do so. Now. Trust me, this post will wait.


Plus, its more historically accurate than Pearl Harbor was, Michael Bay's last film.

The robot pictured is Optimus Prime...or MOFOBADASS 1. He is the leader of the Autobots, or the good guys. I got to thinking who NFL players were in comparison to the Transformers. So, I bring you part 1 of a 3 part series: NFL Players as Transformers. Part 2 will be the Decepticons, Part 3 will be the humans that more or less detract from the Huge Robot Death Match.

Here we go...AUTOBOTS ASSEMBLE!!!



(By the way, if you haven't seen the movie, there are some spoilers here.)

Bumblebee: Bumblebee is, in a way, the main character in the film. He's the transformer with the most screen time. He befriend Sam Witwicky. He is also the retarded Autobot. He can't speak right, and he has this dumb look on his face the whole movie usually reserved for sad puppy dogs when their master leaves for work. Despite this, he's loyal, plays through pain, and is quite admirable.

NFL Comparison: Brett Favre. Favre is loyal, probably shouldn't play, but does, and after an interception, shares the same priceless look our Downs' Syndromed Autobot has. The only difference is, where as Bumblebee went from a POS Camero to a bitchin' Camero, Favre has gone in an opposite career arc.

Jazz: Second in command to Optimus Prime, and a robot that can speak Ebonics better then me after a day of watching BET, Jazz kind of plays a minimal part in the movie. Sure, he punches some other robots and says cool stuff, but overall he didn't make a lasting impression.

NFL Comparison: Matt Shaub. Was second in command in Atlanta and probably knows a lot about Ebonics. Double check. Sure, he's leading the show in Houston, but would he be prepared to have the Allspark pushed into his chest? Doubtful. He just went from best backup QB in league to also ran. Way to go Matt Shaub!

Ironhide: Weapons specialist for the Autobots. Would have no trouble wasting some humans if not for Optimus Prime being a little candyass about "I see good in humans" BS. Can dodge rocket grenades, which is a big plus.

NFL Comparison: I know you want me to go with Tank Johnston. Or Pacman Jones. Or the Bengals. But, as bad as he wanted to...Ironhide never killed people. Just like Ray Lewis. Honest.

Ratchet: The medical assistant of the group. Told the other Autobots that Sam Witwicky wanted to bone a girl he was hanging out with. A good bloke, as the Brits and Aussies say.

NFL Comparison: Walter Jones. Big Walt is getting up there in age, so he needs a bit more medical assistance. Plus, he once told the offense "Y'all better score, or I'll kill you!" Added bonus: In the film, Hatchet turns into an H2. Walter's workout includes pushing an H2 around a football field.

Optimus Prime: Listed last for dramatic affect, Optimus Prime (or Prime as Megatron calls him, in a sort of insult. As if leaving his first name off is demeaning. It was like calling someone named Urkel Studmuffin "Studmuffin") is the leader of the Autobots. He's kind to human, sees good in them, and refuses to harm them.

NFL Comparison: One of Prime's weapons is an energy axe. Based on this photo what comes to mind. Laser rocket arm? Congrats Peyton Manning, you are Optimus Prime.

But wait! OP wouldn't harm humans! He probably then would not star in every goddamn commercial every Sunday! Would OP chant "Cut that meat!" No. Why? Because he's MOFOBADASS 1 (see above) OP cuts his own damn meat. So...we're going to go with...Rex Grossman.

Granted OP had throwing accuracy, and didn't turn the ball over. But, he'd probably agree with Rex. You gotta unleash the dragon.

Stay tuned for Part 2: The Decepticons.