Chad Johnson Goes Home Without Kissin' My Cheerleaders

My heart swelled with enourmous pride on Sunday. The 12th man came with full force and gave the Bengals' offense more problems than they expected. Brian Russel and Deon Grant picked Carson Palmer clean. The run defense stopped the running back eight times for losses. And most importantly, Ocho Cinco came away with nada touchdown celebrations.


In case you missed it, Chad Johnson ran his mouth last week about his possible touchdown celebrations:

"You know what would be a good celebration? To do something using the cheerleaders in Seattle, just walk up and kiss one. I can't get fined (by the NFL) for kissing."

Now, I realize that none of the Seagals know I exist. But dammit! Those are my cheerleaders. Not to mention, I couldn't walk up and kiss one without getting arrested, so why should be able to?

I'd like to personally thank the Seahawks' defense for keeping Johnson out of the end zone. Because if he did this, I know I would have jumped the railing and cold-cocked the motherfucker. It would have been stupid, but I would have defended her honor; I would have gone to jail.

I know this doesn't make sense, but it's right. Right?

The Super Bowl Match-Up That Wasn't

The year was 2005.

The 13-3 Seattle Seahawks had the best record in the NFC by two full games, and was an odds-on favorite to ride their home field advantage all the way to Super Bowl XL.

In the AFC, the playoff seeding was much tighter.

The 14-2 Colts earned home field by just a game over the 13-3 Broncos, however, each team's strength was the other team's weakness, so a SB berth was no gimme. The Wild Card teams, the 12-4 Jaguars and the 11-5 Steelers, each had as-good or better records than the other two division winners, the 11-5 Bengals and the 10-6 Patriots.

At the end of the regular season, many of the pundits were picking the Cincinnati Bengals to represent that AFC in SB XL, in a classic showdown of two of the league's most high-powered offenses. After the second play of Wild Card weekend, when the questionable low hit on Carson Palmer started the Cinderella Steeler's pumpkin-coach ride to Ford Field, any Super Bowl dreams for the Bengals were as hopeless and tattered as their quarterback's anterior cruciate ligament.

Fast forward two years.

The Seahawks no longer have as dominant an offensive line, a slate of new stars at receiver, but arguably a better defense. (last week's game notwithstanding). The offense for the Bengals is pretty much the same, having only lost the services of Chris Henry to Judge Judy, with most of the other suspended, incarcerated or otherwise former-Bengals represented on the defensive side of the ball.

But while the make up of the teams may be somewhat different, there's still a feeling of "what might have been" surrounding this game, if only to a few of us struggling for new content for our blog site.

What if Carson Palmer played the whole game against Pittsburgh?

Would it be he who was faced with the game saving tackle the following week in Indy? Or would the Bengals have ridden the emotional home win through Indy and Denver, and gotten to Detroit as so many had predicted?

If only it was Bill Levy whose knee got shredded and not Carson Palmer's, perhaps the memories of the 2005 would not be so bitter-sweet for most Seahawks fans.

Ocho Cinco Loves the Head-o Start-o

Displaying speed that amazed eight year old boys everywhere, Chad Johnson has actually done it (kind of). He raced a horse and won (sort of).

Never mind that he only had to run half the distance as the horse.

Get a load of the race footage, and the interview:



After easily beating the handicapped horse, Johnson proclaimed his next conquests:

"Floyd Mayweather, you're next. I want to fight you. I'd like to take Kobe and LeBron one-on-one. Jeff Gordon, we can take a couple laps. ... Now it's my time to take over the race world."

We can only guess how he is going to handicap them.

Will he insist that Mayweather fight with one hand and hop around on one leg? Will he go one-on-one against a blindfolded Kobe? Will he make LaBron play with Bruce Bowen tied to his back? Will Jeff Gordon be forced to drive an ice cream truck around Talladega?

I guess that's how he makes the headlines, being ridiculous. And here I am writing about him--hook, line and sinker.

Rumor: Odell Thurman In Party Clash With Guns

Dear lord, not again.

With Leather received a hot tip that Odie may be in trouble again. He confirmed it with a phone call, and now we have confirmed the incident on Youtube (Not suitable for work):

I'm Very Ashamed to Admit This

It pains me to have to admit this, but the first step to resolving a problem is acknowledging that, indeed, one exists, so here goes...

I miss T.O.!

Not Terrell Owens, the talented wide out who is participating in Dallas OTA's and throwing his support behind new coach Wade Phillips and his staff.

I miss T.O., the over-hyped malcontent who seemed to be at odds with former head coach Big Tuna from the get-go, and single-handedly derailed all hopes for Cowboy fans from the moment he inked his contract.

By this time last season, we had lived through his implosion with the Philadelphia Eagles, complete with the shirtless driveway sit ups press conference, the botched suicide attempt phoned in by his skank ho bitch-o-the-day publicist, and donning the US Cycling Team uniform and helmet as he rehabbed his mysterious injury (and twisted the thorn in Parcell's side) while the rest of this teammates practiced.

Now that "the head coach" has been replaced, and "the player" seems more interested in making plays than headlines, we're stuck with rather mundane and depressing NFL news fodder while we wait for the real games to begin.

Will Trent Green become a Dolphin or remain with the Chiefs? Who the fuck cares? I mean, neither team is going anywhere this season, and if there was a National Boredom Association, Trent Green would not only be their spokesman, he'd receive a lifetime acheivement award!

And you can't even get excited about the other side of this story: will Dante Culpepper remain a Dolphin should the Green trade go through? Pffft. Unless he's starring in the Hustler Films remake of The Love Boat, with Jenna Jameson playing the part of Julie, and a cameo by Fred Smoot as Isaac The Bartender, wake me the next time he does something noteworthy either on or off the field.

It is downright ridiculous to try and make something out of who is not participating in mini-camps, or who is being disrespected by getting a franchise deal that will pay him more in one year than the combined career income of all of the high school teachers in your town.

I'm so sick of hearing about Mike Vick posing as the Canine Don King, Steeler assistant coaches forwarding hardcore pornography to everyone but me, and the latest Bengal to be given a "noogies" by Richie Cunningham, I could scream.

I got a little excited when I heard that Chad Johnson was planning to run a race against a Bronco, until I found out it was a real live horse, and not John Elway or Shannon Sharpe (although the resemblance in the publicity photos between Chad's opponent and these former NFL stars was remarkable.)

What this off season needs is some good old American T.O. sideshow, to fire up the competitive juices in every sports fan looking for something to rant about, or at least to provide us with another reason to hate the freaking Cowboys!

So whether we need to hide his medication, arrange another bender with his skank ho bitch-o-the-day publicist, or get a court order to prevent Jerry Jones from administering his daily "salad tossing" on Owens, we need to do something to awaken the sleeping devil known as T.O. and give us some good off-season sound-bites to react to.

Chad Johnson to Join In Race of Horse vs. A$$

Once and a while I see a headline that is too perfect, too ironic, too asinine to believe. But it's true.

From ESPN.com Horse Racing News, we observe "Bengal's Chad Johnson vs. Horse in Benefit Race."

"Cincinnati Bengals all-pro wide receiver Chad Johnson will race a horse at River Downs in Cincinnati, Ohio on Belmont Stakes Day, June 9, as a fund-raiser for Feed the Children, an Oklahoma City-based charity that provides food, medicine, clothing, and other necessities to children around the world. The race, billed as "man vs. beast," will be held on the turf course, with Johnson starting at the sixteenth pole and the horse, Restore the Roar, starting at the eighth pole."

Not only is he going to race for charity, but he has also donated sports memorabilia to be sold at a silent auction.

To pledge one's efforts to such a cause is commendable. But with Johnson's recent, ummm, track record, you have to wonder if he'll actually pony up or stiff them like an ass.

This event is literally teeming with punchlines. Why don't you help me write some of them while I mule it over.