I'm Very Ashamed to Admit This

It pains me to have to admit this, but the first step to resolving a problem is acknowledging that, indeed, one exists, so here goes...

I miss T.O.!

Not Terrell Owens, the talented wide out who is participating in Dallas OTA's and throwing his support behind new coach Wade Phillips and his staff.

I miss T.O., the over-hyped malcontent who seemed to be at odds with former head coach Big Tuna from the get-go, and single-handedly derailed all hopes for Cowboy fans from the moment he inked his contract.

By this time last season, we had lived through his implosion with the Philadelphia Eagles, complete with the shirtless driveway sit ups press conference, the botched suicide attempt phoned in by his skank ho bitch-o-the-day publicist, and donning the US Cycling Team uniform and helmet as he rehabbed his mysterious injury (and twisted the thorn in Parcell's side) while the rest of this teammates practiced.

Now that "the head coach" has been replaced, and "the player" seems more interested in making plays than headlines, we're stuck with rather mundane and depressing NFL news fodder while we wait for the real games to begin.

Will Trent Green become a Dolphin or remain with the Chiefs? Who the fuck cares? I mean, neither team is going anywhere this season, and if there was a National Boredom Association, Trent Green would not only be their spokesman, he'd receive a lifetime acheivement award!

And you can't even get excited about the other side of this story: will Dante Culpepper remain a Dolphin should the Green trade go through? Pffft. Unless he's starring in the Hustler Films remake of The Love Boat, with Jenna Jameson playing the part of Julie, and a cameo by Fred Smoot as Isaac The Bartender, wake me the next time he does something noteworthy either on or off the field.

It is downright ridiculous to try and make something out of who is not participating in mini-camps, or who is being disrespected by getting a franchise deal that will pay him more in one year than the combined career income of all of the high school teachers in your town.

I'm so sick of hearing about Mike Vick posing as the Canine Don King, Steeler assistant coaches forwarding hardcore pornography to everyone but me, and the latest Bengal to be given a "noogies" by Richie Cunningham, I could scream.

I got a little excited when I heard that Chad Johnson was planning to run a race against a Bronco, until I found out it was a real live horse, and not John Elway or Shannon Sharpe (although the resemblance in the publicity photos between Chad's opponent and these former NFL stars was remarkable.)

What this off season needs is some good old American T.O. sideshow, to fire up the competitive juices in every sports fan looking for something to rant about, or at least to provide us with another reason to hate the freaking Cowboys!

So whether we need to hide his medication, arrange another bender with his skank ho bitch-o-the-day publicist, or get a court order to prevent Jerry Jones from administering his daily "salad tossing" on Owens, we need to do something to awaken the sleeping devil known as T.O. and give us some good off-season sound-bites to react to.