Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 5

I just got back from doing color from a high school football game, so...I'm going to rush through these.

Blah, blah...home team in caps...you know the drill.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-7) over Seattle

Its not only after a bye week, but also in the Eastern Time Zone. The NFL is IN THE TANK for the Cardinals. Its so obvious, you betcha.

Tennessee (+3) over BALTIMORE

The Titans: The most underwhelming undefeated team....ever.

PHILADELPHIA (-6.5) over Washington

You'd think I'd be drinking the Zorn kool-aide, especially after last week's win, but I'm not feeling the two upsets in a row.

San Diego (-6.5) over MIAMI

I have nothing to say about this game...so....um....




(That picture was taken in Porn Valley, according to Google. I know where my next vacation is!

Chicago (-3.5) over DETROIT

Remember like a month ago when people were talking about an all Chicago World Series? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh, and fuck Chicago.

GREEN BAY (-4) over Atlanta

Matt Ryan doesn't do well against good defenses. This analysis brought to you by...GENERIC! GENERIC, when its 12:45 in the a.m.

Indianapolis (+3) over HOUSTON

What have the Texans done to make us think their within a field goal of the Colts? I forget.

Kansas City (+9.5) over CAROLINA

The Chiefs, since you have no idea what they might do from week to week, might just pull a shocker and stay within a touchdown.

DENVER (-3) over Tampa Bay

I know its been a few years since he was in the division, but even when Mike Shanahan was being his charming self joking about Al Davis, I was still kind of hoping he'd get impaled by a microphone or something. I still hate Denver.

Buffalo (+1) over ARIZONA

And the linemakers get in their jolly good laugh of the week. 4-0 Buffalo vs The Fightin Fumblers of Phoenix! (technically, that is alliteration.)

New England (-3) over SAN FRANCISCO

Much like Stewie Griffin, Tom Brady wants to change the name of San Francisco to "Heaven"...just, not for the shoes.

(I'm calling him gay)

DALLAS (-16) over Cincinnati

Chad Johnson (I don't care what he changed his name to) said he'll kiss the star if he scores. Remember when he would score touchdowns and you wondered what he would do, and he had the "Who covered 85?" list? Now doesn't he seem like some burnt out star that crashed before it reached potential? See, that isn't so much an analogy as much as its fact.

JACKSONVILLE (-4) over Pittsburgh

Dear NFL Media: The Steelers aren't that good. Thank you.

Minnesota (+3) over NEW ORLEANS

Lane Kiffin looks over the Vikings sidelines and says..."Soon....soon..."

Enjoy the games. I was something and something last week, but am too lazy to look it up now. Sleep time!