I'm Bluefoot. Citizen K has the night off.Citizen K has so genially supplied us with his weekly postgame comestible Citizen K Likes This, I found it unthinkable to let the day pass without attempting my own simulacrum; not as plagiarism, but as a tribute, and to reveal by contrast the quality and aptitude of of his craft.
So pardon me as I try to weave in some pop culture reference (I don't know how yet, but I am going to drop Ned Beatty, Courtney Love, and LeBron James.), well chosen words (this cheeseburger is au fait! Or is it au phait?) and a reasonable fascimile to his third-person style (If I refer to him, it's third person anyway, right?) with the selective abstention of pronouns. Where possible, issues concerning race will be danced with, but never consummated.
Citizen K would be completely creamed over the tally-whacking the Seahawks' defense festooned upon the visiting Brigands from the Grounds of Hardwood Trees. 12 total yards in 21 plays in the first half? You've got to be kidding me!
This was no act of concession from the Brigands. Citizen K would have liked how the defensive front seven completely OWN3D the line of scrimmage, with each player beating their man one-on-one (can you say "squeal like a pig?") and staying in their lanes.
Citizen K would have liked the ascension and rapid maturation of high draft picks. Darryl Tapp (I wonder what manumission would do for him? Tapp is clearly an Irish surname.) was all over the field, making it obvious that he is benefitting greatly from the tutelage of Grant Wistrom. And how often was Kelly Jennings mentioned? When he got burned? No! Only when he beat his man and was clearly the intended receiver on a deep pass narrowly escaping his fingertips, much like the narrow escape that charm and good looks can have in a moderately popular skank. Once again, Tim Ruskell is looking like a friggin' genius.
Citizen K would also have liked the performance of David Green, who placed passes more accurately than Hugh Hefner and managed a 16-play, 90-yard touchdown drive that included him passing for 77 yards. Gibran WHO? Doesn't he play for the Cavs?
Citizen K would NOT have liked: Weaver's ankle sprain; Tom Ashworth's failed attempt to be Big Walt; Burelson dropping passes.
I hope Citizen K likes this...
(to comment, click the green number to the right of the title above)
This is not the greatest post in the world, this is a tribute. You couldn't remember the greatest post in the world, this is just a tribute.
ReplyDeletePales in comparison Blue, but a valiant effort. B minus, now go back to your homeroom.
Yeah, that's why this is the third string edition. I can't write near as well as zenK, that's why this is the third string edition.
ReplyDeleteI really should try stuff like this after midnight!
Errr... Should NOT after midnight.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should avoid posting before noon, also!
No Tenacious D props? Whip snap went his whippy tail... and the beast was done.
ReplyDeleteI'd have given you Tenacious D props, if I'd read this before you went all Alba on us.
ReplyDeleteSimilarly, no Bluefoot props? Where's the love?
Thanks, Blue, for filling in for me in my absence. I can think of no greater personal accomplishment in my life than having fan fiction written for my Award—(and I've got a AA degree and own a Buick Century wagon!) Your attempt was heartfelt and inspired. I thank you again!
As it happened, I did get to see several portions of the game, although not enough to really like anything. I viewed the aforementioned long drive by the preseason-Kitna-esque Greene, and some of Tapp's emergence. I also saw the Tiger-Woods-voiced Bryce "I Did Not Have Assault With That Woman" Fisher give props to Craig "Terrell" (as he pronounced it,) and Joe Tafoya, among others, which I liked. On the radio I got to hear Raible describe the crunching Darby put on the Raiders' QB, and later saw a replay. Indeed, the hit was worthy of Nestle.
I would like to see Jennings do something on the field, as I don't believe I have yet. I'll keep my eyes open once the season begins.
If Bloof gets to be CitK, can I be ADP? I like the age and quality of women he hangs around with!
ReplyDeleteYou did a fine job Blue. I like Greene give him a few years and he will turn into a stud he is a winner after all.
ReplyDelete