How to Make the 49er-Cards Matchup More Gay

As if the second-feature of the opening Monday Night Football matchup wasn't gay enough, pitting metrosexual Matt Lineart against gender-confused Alex Smith, ESPN has decided to gay-it-up a little more by choosing to put Mike Greenberg in the booth.

Although he'll be flanked by NFL icon Mike Ditka, doing his best John Madden impression, and NFL alumni Mike Golick, trying despirately not to speak with his mouth full, having "Greenie" in the booth calling this game is going to provide more bi-curious subtext than the volleyball scene in Top Gun.


Granted, having Greenberg discuss the differences between an ascot and a necktie, or extolling the benefits of the man-purse during lulls in the action may help the struggling ESPN telecast appeal to the female viewer, while at the same time avert the focus of the male audience from the pitiful brand of football being played on the field.

And with Tony Kornheiser calling the opener, and Bonnie Berstein on the sidelines, the casual view may get more information on the blintz than the blitz.

I just hope that six hours into the 2007 season I don't find myself missing the Joe Theisman era.

Wait a minute.

Theisman? That's not Jewish, is it?

EDIT: Need I say more?