How to Survive an NFL Player Attack

While you are far more likely to be killed by a showboating dragster in a redneck parade, few bar room/strip club encounters will evoke sheer terror as an NFL player on the prowl. Fortunately, attacks form NFL players are rare, and most species are harmless. Still, when an NFL player enters the room, most are capable of inflicting serious injuries, killing people, or subjecting you to unwanted groping.

While it is best to learn how to prevent an NFL player attack, it is also important to know what to so in the case of an actual attack, maximizing your chance of survival with limbs and erogenous zones intact.

IMPORTANTS STEPS TO SURVIVAL

1. Remain calm. While it is true that you want to get out of the club quickly if you find yourself in the vicinity of an NFL player, you must accept the fact that you cannot outrun him (especially if you're shit-faced) and simply sprinting to the exit probably isn't your best option. Timing is everything. Use your Star Fleet Captain-like savvy to seize the right opportunity.

2. Keep the player in the corner of your eye at all times. Remember, an NFL player is an ego-driven, insecure, spoiled child-beast. Don't ever look at him directly. This will either be perceived as a threat or an invitation, and may draw an attack by groping, fondling, assault with a pool cue and/or shooting. But if he notices you watching him fearfully out the corner of your eye, he will likely be flattered and move on.

3. Always be looking for a way out. Which is the closest exit? Is there anyone in the way? Keep yourself continually alert for your opportunity. Don't be afraid to set off the alarms by using the emergency exit. This is your life we're talking here--fuck the bar tab. When the moment is right, you need to bolt like a greased pig.

4. Be clever. There are a lot of things you can do to create a diversion and give yourself an opportunity to escape unnoticed.

• Discreetly ask the waitress to turn the TV monitors to ESPN. If Sportscenter is on, this will give you a small window of distraction where the player will contemplate the near future, daydreaming of his own glorious highlights that never happened. One note of caution, however -- you must leave right away. When he snaps out of it, he is going to realize that someone else is getting airtime and NOT him, and this sort of success requires commitment. Then the shit hits the fan, and you don't want to be there.
• Covertly lob ice cubes onto the stage. If the stripper slips and falls, head to the exit while the NFL player tries to dive into her muff.
• Use your cell phone to dial 911. Tell them you're at this bar watching 80's band Great White, and you smell smoke. The sirens and emergency lights will scare the fuck out the player and his posse.
• Call the NFL Headquarters at (212) 450-2000. Tell Roger Goodell that this such-and-such player is here at this club, and shit is going down. The cops will be there in minutes, if not seconds.

TIPS

• DON'T go to the restroom or backstage. The NFL player will follow you and have his way with you in some unspeakable manner.
• Remember to breathe. You will need adequate oxygen when it is your time to make a break for it.
• DON'T get an autograph. Once upon a time, it was an honor to be asked for an autograph. Not any more. Autograph hounds are viewed as a nuisance who turn around and sell the items on Ebay. He is likely to make an example out of you, and reinforce his reputation with a good ass kicking.
• If you are with a hot chick, ditch her. This is like swimming in a shark tank with a bloody harbor seal tied around your neck. In fact, tell her she has ketchup on her face, so she will go to the restroom, get followed in by said player or posse for a thorough groping. That would be your chance to escape.
• If you are approaching the club and you see Hummers, Bentleys and/or Escalades, don't go in.
• If you see hot chicks leaving a bar and they don't look happy, don't go in.
• If you hear gunshots, forget everything and run like hell.