The NFL is like a fine geisha woman. When you see her in her nice white makeup and silk kimono, you think, "I sure would like to dip my chop stick into her sushi," (heheh), but you really do not know what you are getting until you remove the kimono. The geisha may have one nipple pointing East and the other South, or she may have a private part that is like a big nasty baboon. You must see under the kimono to find out.
Hello. I am Ichiro Suzuki. I will be your guide to the very entertaining NFL, removing the offseason kimono from your favorite team, so you may see if you want to enjoy their pleasure or fuck a different one. Today, I undress...
The defending NFL champion Indianapolis Colts
Last season: Finished 12-4; undefeated at home; 4-4 on the road; 3-3 in the division.
Much attention is focused on Peyton Manning, but it is too much. The Colts were finally successful in the playoff last year because the rest of the team got better, and Manning did not have to worry so much.
That Peyton Manning is messed up, he worry to much. He worry about the defense. He worry about the formation. He worry about the audible. He worry about the week six opponent blitz package--in 2011. He worry about what his father think. He worry about Tom Brady's prettier face being on the magazine but never his own. He worry about his huge head making him look like a giant fetus. AND, he worry about big scary clowns.
Manning needs to quit worrying and play football. In big game he show his worry by sitting on a bench and biting towel like his bedroom pillow. There is an old Japanese proverb that says, "Man who bite pillow walk funny in morning. Man who bite scapula wake up happy."
Manning has championship but he still has not left his pillow-biting way. I expect fine regular season effort, but cool-hand Brady will scare shit out of him in January, and once again will spend the next Super Bowl fighting with Eli over TV remote.
My Own Very Strong Prediction: 15-1; loss to Patriots in playoff.
Check back again for more great insight from me, Ichiro Suzuki.
More Ichiro: "Peyton Manning plays football for white horses of Indianapolis... many days no championships come to his hut... his hut... but Peyton has fear? A thousand times no. He never doubted himself for a minute for he knew that his monkey strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... dung."
ReplyDeleteHe worry about the audible. He worry about the week six opponent blitz package--in 2011. He worry about what his father think. He worry about Tom Brady's prettier face being on the magazine but never his own. He worry about his huge head making him look like a giant fetus. AND, he worry about big scary clowns.
ReplyDeleteLSHSCOM!
(laughed so hard spit coffee on monitor)
Disclaimer, rare serious post:
ReplyDeleteIt's said too often on the internet, where everything is the most or least ever, but I think this is post is comedy genius. So thank you Blue, and you're welcome.
You may want to emphasize that he's speaking through a translator, and you also may want to add some engrish in the text. But it's fine as it it.
Seriously, LOL. I can't wait for more of these.
First, I would like to thank the academy....
ReplyDeleteActually thanks to your response, there will be more.
#J.L.: Damn funny, you should write for us.
Because there is no flooble... http://www.extremeskins.org/2007minicamp/day1/photos/day1/28.JPG
ReplyDeleteThat is TE Chris Cooley. Beyond that I'm speechless...
@ Bloof: Thanks for the kind words. My comment was just ripped off from a great "Newsradio" quote, but I'll take the credit, nonetheless.
ReplyDelete@ JL: I remember that now! The Japanese translated book, right? That scene had me in tears!
ReplyDelete