Sunday, December 28, 2008

Wear It

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Holmgren attempts to get back

For a little background go here.

Now's how that went down.

[Ghost of TV Present] 

TV voice: And what an amazing play by Brett Favre! IT is simply incredible what he's doing! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE WILL BG HIM NOT TO RETIRE IN THE OFFSEASON!

Mike Holmgren:

Inside his head:

Mike Holmgren: Sigh.....I'm going to miss this.

/does Rocky-esque montage of visiting Seattle sights including the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and every Dick's Burgers franchise twice.

/sees young boy aspiring to be a head coach yelling at his friends

Mike Holmgren: I have to do it. I can't let this be my last season.

(looks at watch)

It's 6:05...I have just enough time to catch the 6:07 bus to get home and tell my wife.

/Lingers awhile looking at broken branch on the ground. Laughs slightly at irony. Hears bus drive away.

MH: Jimminy Christmas!

/walks home, though it takses long due to not being a montage.

The next day...Seahawks Headquarters...

MH: Tim! Tim! Tim!

Tim Ruskell: No, Mike, I will not keep a Gatorade cooler full of bisque on the sideline for your personal use, stop asking.

MH: No, no. That's not it at all!

TR: Really?

MH: Well, it'd still be neat, but no. I've made a decision about my leaving.

TR: (grabbing champagne bottle) THAT'S GREAT!!

MH: yeah, I thought about where this team is headed and my legacy...

TR: (humming Celebration)

MH: And I...I...

TR: (under breath) We're excited for Jim to take over early and start putting his stamp on this franchise...

MH: I want to come back next year.

TR: (drops bottle, jaw)

MH: We have some unfinished business! Let me try!

TR: Oh God, you saw Brett, didn't you?

MH: ....

TR: You did!

MH: ...yeah...

TR: HAHA, whatever dude. This team needs some fresh leadership.

MH: Ah, fooie. Oh well, I hear the weather in San Francisco is nicer anyway.

Mike Singletary: (drops pants) WHAT?!?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What happens when suck takes on blow?

Last Sunday, like seemingly every other week this year, sucked. A lot. I could throw all sorts of "analysis" and "breakdowns" of the choke job, but thats using to many words. Suck will suffice.

If there's any team that can MAYBE relate to us, its the Rams. (The Lions are sort of used to this by now, yes?) The Rams got this lovely sense of false hope when they appointed their shitty defensive coordinator and they beat a Redskins team that didn't feel like playing and a Cowboys team that had some major boo-boos. Suddenly, at 2-4, it was ALMOST tolerable to live in St. Louis! Haha, then In bev bought Budweiser and the city sucks again. Let me illustrate what the last few weeks have done to the Rams and their fans.

Of course, the Rams should sort of be used to this as well. After all, Seahawks fans had been circling a late season date with Arizona to see if that might decide the NFC West. Well...not quite. They sort of wrapped that thing up last week. And somehow the 49ers and their pantsless coach are head of us. Jesus, this season has been drink-inducing, has it not?

If I could be involved in this after Seahawks losses, I'd be a better person.

So, here we go, two absolutely horrible teams playing for whatever resemblance of pride they have left. Meh, they can do whatever...I just found a better way to occupy my time

Sweet jesus, I could have myself a good time with that much bourbon!

Enjoy the game...I'm gettin' hammered!

Friday, December 05, 2008

Flex this

The apperant Seahawks offense line gets ready to go to the scales...fuck, am I ever bitter about how this season has gone.

So, the Seahawks-Pats game has been "flexed out" by the NFL. Apparently, the league is sensitive to the mental state of your typical Seattle fan, and is sparing us from having to watch this team get slaughtered in prime time by Matt Cassell and his Band of Bastards that are still going to win the AFC East. Jesus, why can't our injury problems result in division titles? New England looses a pro bowler...magically they get a 3-time Super Bowl winning quarterback. he goes down...then Matt Cassell does this.

As much as the Seahawks frustrate me, I was looking forward to watching them since it feels weird when you want to drink because of the Gamecast. Sure, Hass just got sacked...again. But what if its a coverage sack? No need to grab the bourbon bottle in that case. Or did the left side of the line starting dreaming about buckets of fried chicken and let Matt get decked? Well then, I need to go make my favorite cocktail. Its 1 part alcohol, 1 part more alcohol, and 4 parts more alcohol. Serve on ice, and hide cell phone. Its delicious!

Anyway, I was thinking about how if the NFL can flex out things that it doesn't want to see, why can't I?

Employee evaluations are probably coming up, since I've been working at my current job for almost a year. I'd like to flex this out, because I don't want the frustrating experience f getting a year's worth of feedback in ten minutes. I'd like to exchange this experience in favor of going to a carwash being conducted by bikini-clad wimmens.

Oh noes! What if K-Rob drops that sponge!

Hey, this flex thing is fun. Let's keep this going. I have to do some Holiday shopping, but the parking lot is just so crowded. How can I opt out of this? Um...another bikini car wash? That could work...but what about I get Santa's Big Chested Helper to do my shopping instead.

Hey, why are you looking up Mora to Huskies rumors! Get on!

This is going pretty good. But, don't get to spendy there, Santa's Big Chested Helper. I'm not exactly rich. Let's flex out my financial situation....
That'll That seems like a good name for you!

So, instead of going to employee evaluations I went to a bikini car wash, had some sexy lady do my holiday shopping with money my stripper friend brings home. I could get used to this flexing thing.

Enjoy the game and its not starting at late at night!