You can't fire me...I WEAR A SUIT

What do you mean I'm fired? Me? Fired? That's impossible. That's like saying that silk ties don't improve defensive blitz packages.

What's that? They don't? LIES!

Now you're bringing in Singletary. Great. Did you see his glasses?



He looks like Urkel! I'll bet he hikes up his pants and wears suspenders at home! With that sort of fashion sense...this team can't possibly succeed.

Fine, if you people can't appreciate a good suit, silk ties, fine shoes, and the finest cufflinks this side of Italy, then you're beyond help.

Though I will miss San Francisco...the shopping here was fantastic.

ESPN Hates San Francisco @ Seattle

Part of my morning ritual these days, aside from checking my RSS feeds and taking a glorious dump, involves watching Mike and Mike in the Morning via PVR from ESPN2 HD -- At least the first hour, anyway, because that's where all the good stuff is, and then I head to work.

Part of the usual programming on Mondays is a shameless, elongated pimping of their MNF matchup, complete with the team's helmets in the desk, dominating the army of bobbleheads scattered in meaningless formation.

But GET THIS -- No helmets today. Not only that, but nary a mention of this week's prime time game. It's as if this game is so abysmal, so bothersome, that ESPN has refused to invest any resources beyond what is contractually obligated.

There was one mention, however -- muttered in a speedy undertone, Mike Greenberg read from an 8.5" x 11" sheet the time and place of tonights game, and then commented on the passing of Mike Nolan's father. So, I guess, in their defense, you can say they talked about tonight's MNF coverage for 30 seconds.

After all, don't we know, tonights's play-by-play will be centered around the passing of Dick Nolan? Every other sentence, as if there were no football game taking place.

Which leads me to another facet of this rant-- Who in the hell are they going to bring in for their "celebrity distraction" interview? No way in hell is anyone famous and worth a stool sample going to step in for a moment in the spotlight, because there is none. The ratings will be in the toilet. Who will want to fly all the way up to Alaska for a five minute fellation? Gary Coleman? Dick Van Patten? Hillary Clinton?

The truth is, none of them. My best guess, it will be a relative of the recently departed, and MNF will become the Dick Nolan Funeral Hour.

Prophecy and Blasphemy for the 49ers Game

1: The word of Bloof.
2: Hear this, ye old screaming fans, and give ear, all ye inhabitants of the hawks nest. Hath this been in your seasons, or even in the seasons of your fathers?
3: Tell ye your children of it, and let your children tell their children, and their children another generation.
4: That which Alexander hath left, Morris shall run; and that which LeRoy Hill hath left, Bentley will tackle; and that which the Holmgren hath left, Walrii shall gnash sardines.
5: Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of Bud; for it is not enough to help you forget.
6: For a lameass team is come up upon our stadium, weak, and with injuries, whose teeth are the teeth of an Englishman, and he hath the mouth parts of a great homosexual.
7: He hath laid our Kevin Bentley to waste, and rammed the ball through his pensive assignment: he hath made a driveway, and trodden through it; the tackles thereof have been ankle biters.
8: Lament like a virgin penetrated by the husband of her youth.
9: Be ye ashamed, O ye 12th man; howl, O ye bloggers, for the days of Knox; because the harvest of 2000 draft is perished.
10: The running back is dried up, and the offensive line languisheth; the great left tackle, the leader at center, and hall of fame fullback, even all the touchdown celebrations, are withered: because joy is withered away from the running game.
11: Gird yourselves, and lament, ye fans: howl, ye holders of the 12th man flag; come, lie all night in the parking lot, ye tailgaters of my team: for the meat offering and the drink offering is withholden from the house of Qwest.
12: Sanctify ye a fast, call a solemn assembly, gather the bloggers and all the forum dwellers of the land into the house of the 12th man, and cry aloud unto the field,
13: Alas for the day! for the day of the Seahawks is at hand, and as a destruction from the NFC West champs shall it come.
14: Is not the crimson and gold homosexuals cut off before our eyes, yea, joy and gladness from the house of our team?
15: The scrotum is rotten under their groin, their manhood is laid desolate, the fags are bewildered; for the penis is withered.
16: How do the 49ers groan! the quarterback is perplexed, because he has no clue; yea, the starting left tackle is injured.
17: The remaining left tackle of the field cry also unto thee: for he is a pussy, and he will be facing Tapp and Peterson.
18: Glory be unto our team. That is, of course, unless we have fourth and one.

Mike Nolan: I look good

Man, I am feeling good today. I got my suit on, and all good things come in suits. Winning poker hands, penguins, and me.

I am the tits.

We're totally going to take that field and were going to do things in a classy way. We're going to look good, and look good while looking good. I probably just blew some Berkly fuckers mind. Yeah, the revolution will be televised. On FOX. With Tony Saragusa providing his own off-brand stlye of commentary.

Oh shit. Rocky Benard just landed on Alex Smith. Not cool, bro. Not cool. He's coached by a guy that is just wearing a polo! Where's the class in that! Maybe if I rub my tie on his shoulder it'll get better. In the mean time, its time for Trent Dilfer. The Browns didn't want him, this should go over well.

Oh, that's right. I gave Frank those silk gloves. Such a great accessory. I didn't even think about how that might affect his grip on the football. At least he looks good. Alex on the other hand, that ice pack is just tacky.

What the fuck. Matt Hasselbeck just went deep on us for a big play. He's BALD. When he does TV interviews, you can see the shine! Doesn't he know that there are creams for that! I cannot believe we are losing to such slobs. And, I'm sorry Mr. Branch, neon green is not in this year. Those gloves are awful.

No, no, no, no, no...Trufant! First he cuts his hair, now he's picking off passes. He looked pretty cool with what he had before. But now that short hair and Trent Dilfer pass combo just doesn't look right.

My god...we lost to these slobs? I can't wait till we play Arizona. That Matt Lienhart does the dreamiest things with his hair. Now, its time to go shake Tubby mcUntucked Polo's hand.

But at least I'll look good doing it.

(Hats off to loljocks.blogspot.com for the pic!)

What I Learned From... Tightening the Noose on the NFC West

Ignore all the "beat themselves" crap coming out of the niner camp and the national media. The Seahawks' defense destroyed the 49ers, and kept them confused, jumpy, panicked and befuddled the entire game. That's what happens when an offensive line is overmatched-- they hold, they jump the count, they overplay and miss their assignment.



It's like playing chess with an eight year-old: You take out some important pieces from him, then all of a sudden he's taking desperate, thoughtless chances, and pretty soon playing the old, "oops, I sneezed with my arm flailing and took out the whole damn board" trick.

So the game is over with. The Seahawks take the lead in the division. Frank Gore is a moron for giving the Seahawks bulletin board material. Justin Smiley is now Mr. Yuk. Larry Allen is a overfilled waterbed with cleats. Trent Dilfer is a gentleman and a traitor. And Darrell Jackson is a lazy fuckin' hippie.

Speaking of hippies, they're stupid, too. Watch, listen as Penn & Teller make complete asses out of these embicilic fuckheads.




Bring on the Steelers. Now. Please.

Seahawks vs. 49ers: Game Previews You'll Want To Read

This is a big game. The winner gets a formidable step up on the division, and there is a budding rivalry that smells like spite. Darrell Jackson has something to prove, Frank Gore is mouthing off, and Lofa Tatupu is looking to slam the door on his running lanes.

I'm white-knuckling already. I'm making my grocery list for the gameday feast, but I have a feeling that I won't have much of an appetite. This kind of competitive shit is as good as it gets.

Needless to say, I've been deeply interested in matchups and analysis this week--and there is some good stuff out there:

• The best analysis of the bunch is over at Field Gulls. John Morgan hits heavily on the reason and history of the niners' recent offensive struggles, how Shaun Alexander may be a liability, and the best way to attack the existing personnell in the 3-4 alignment. A definite must-read. Then jump over and check out his Matchupalooza between Lofa Tatupu and Moran Norris.


• The Examiner gives up Three Keys to Victory.


• The 49ers Observer gives a fair overview, sort of a Seahawks 101.


• NFLGameAnalysis.com makes this matchup their Feature Preview.

My two cents? With Alexander playing one-armed, the Seattle linebackers hyperfocusing on Gore, this is bound to be a low scoring affair. The difference of the game will be Seattle's secondary (especially Grant and Russell) keeping a solid grip of the 'niner's passing game, enabling the front seven to focus entirely on Gore. With the low score, Seattle's superior special teams will break the niner's backs. Seattle 20, San Francisco 16.

(Thanks to 2*2*2 at SeahawkBlue for the cool pic! Click on it for actual coolness.)

Nate Clements Blogs on the Seahawks

Want a real, first-hand perspective on the upcoming Seahawks-Niners matchup? Check out Nate Clement's column. He's got several insights on how San Francisco plans to attack Seattle.

On Matt Hasselbeck:

Matt’s a very smart quarterback. He’ll definitely look you off. He knows where to go with the ball and he gets through his progressions and knows where all of his reads are. We’ve got to do a great job of disguising things and keeping him off balance. He also has enough foot speed when he gets going, so we’ve got to keep him there in the pocket and when the opportunity is there for a sack, we’ve got to take advantage of it.

On Shaun Alexander:

As for Shaun Alexander, he’s a talented back who we have to attack early. We can’t let him get in a rhythm either or get going because once he gets going it’s hard to stop him. We’ve got to keep pounding on him, and see if we can get him out of the game. You can shut him down for the first half and the third quarter but then he pops off a big run and then it’s just downhill, so we’ve got to play four quarters against him and keep attacking him every time he touches the ball.

On Deion Branch:

Deion Branch is more of a quick, shifty guy. He has very good speed, good hands. I was fortunate to play against Branch when I was with Buffalo and he was with New England. He’s kind of quick, shifty and has good foot speed and good hands. It’s hard to get your hands on someone like that because he’s always moving.

On other receivers:

Bobby Engram is crafty, and he knows how to get open. You know Burleson has speed, because he’s also their punt returner so he can take it the distance.... Seattle’s offense definitely goes to their tight ends and that’s something I’ve seen on film. They use all of their skill position players, so we’ve got to take away their wide receivers and then also focus on the tight ends and the running backs when they are hitting them for check downs.

In between and around, there is some generic coachspeak, but it is still an insightful read.

Tatupu, Peterson and Hill are Gonna Be On Frank Gore, Like (Something Something)

You know Lofa Tatupu and company have this Sunday's game circled on their calendar. Last season, Frank Gore trucked around the Seahawks for 416 total yards, and that didn't make anyone in Blue very happy.

Do you think they are gonna let that happen again? Not on their watch. The front seven will be coming at him without good intentions.

Like flies on shit.



Baaah, that's boring...

Like a hammer to a nail.



Like a pod of killer whales on a seal.



Heh...

Like Rocky's fists on a side of beef.



WHOA! Wrong beef.

Like a fat guy on a booger.



Like a tazer on a pig.



Like Alba on positive feedback, Citizen K on an anagram. (NSFW!!! With the volume on, anyway.)



Wait, I said anagram.


Like a post thingy to a truck.



Cool.

Goodbye, Bill Walsh

You've probably already heard -- Bill Walsh, grandaddy of Unbeleivable Freaking Football Offenses That Blow Your Mind, Hall of Famer, three time Super Bowl Champion, and Overall Classy Guy, died today at the age of 75.

I was never a Niner fan, but I like this man's style, building teams with astonishing grit and egregious smarts. He built a legacy that may never be eclipsed. (Check that link!)

RIP, Coach. Thanks for the Walrus.


BTW... I wasn't sure where to insert this, but as you may know, I'm always trying to look at things from a new perspective. Here is a clip of Bill Walsh and his interpertation of some dike art. From this, I perceive that Walsh is either (1) way over my head in everything about life, (2) really nice and tolerant, humoring all sorts of different people, even annoying artists, or (3) really good at making stuff up on the fly. You decide.

Who is the Turd in the Seahawks Punchbowl?

Gone are perennial fuck-ups like Koren Robinson and Jerramy Stevens, and we know that Tim Ruskell has been hell-bent on drafting and signing choirboys with high moral fiber.

However, even if you go over the resumes of all the Saints in the Catholic church, you're bound to find that some are not as holy as others. So there must be at least two or three guys in the locker room who are doing some shit that they shouldn't be doing.

Probably not dog fighting or hopefully not other inexcusable acts like taking steroids, hot-tubbing with teen-agers or voting Republican. But mark my words, if somebody is doing something they shouldn't be, then Sheriff Richie Cunningham and his posse of Ralph and Potsie are bound to catch up with them.

So who is the turd currently floating in the Seahawk punchbowl?

The most recent Seahawks to make some news for off-field issues are Patrick Kerney, who apparently lives upstairs in a frat house, and Shaun Alexander, who obviously doesn't not watch HGTV. This pales in comparison to punching out a division rival in a casino or running an off-season prostitution ring, so our boys need to try harder.

Big Walt is from Louisiana, and we know how those Southern boys like their illegal animal fighting, so maybe he's involved in cock-fighting or secretly backing the boxing career of Tonya Harding?

Julian Peterson, a handsome black man who is always neatly groomed in impeccably dressed, used to play in San Franciso. Perhaps his pregame ritual consists of listening to show tunes and the Best of Barbara Streisand on his iPOD? (not that there's anything wrong with it!)

Could Matt Hasselbeck have such an uncontrollable gambling habit that he'd bet on everything from how the number of carrots in a can of Chunky Vegetable Soup to how many seasons of sucking it will take before the Cardinals fire Ken Wisenhunt?

It used to be that the Seahawks were generally ignored by the NFL media due to their history of mediocrity, but that all changed with three straight division crowns and their trip to Super Bowl XL. Now it seems they're being snubbed in the police blotter section, with all the attention on the Bengals, Steelers and Falcons.

And even though it makes me very happy that no member of my favorite team is flying to New York for a personal sit-down with The Fuhrer, as a Seahawk fan, I feel compelled to whine about it anyway!

Yeah, The 49ers Had a Crappy 80's Video, Too

I feel much better now. Thanks to this video and a delightful romp in the sack with a very hetero wife, I nearly have the gay taste out of my mouth from that last post.

The the self-proclaimed "Team of the 80's" can look this queer, even with several Hall of Fame players frolicking about, I don't feel so bad about the Blue Wave of '85.



I have to give them credit, though. They didn't try to sing, they just rapped (kind of.) But all the horrible elements are there.

• Cheesy graphics
• Players pretending to blow horns
• Someone pretending to insert something into his orifice
• Someone takes their shirt off for the camera
• Demonstration of a tongue trick
• Someone dancing like a retard (take your pick, but Jerry Rice does it best.)
• Group booty shaking
• Poorly synchronized choregraphy
• Lots of other gay stuff, too many to mention.

Sorry, 49er fans. I had to do it.

12 Seahawks Street Will Track A Useless Contest of Statistics Between Darrell Jackson and Deion Branch

On my long drive back from the Oregon Coast this weekend, many Seahawks-related things rattled around in my cranium. (After some of the posts lately, maybe you're relieved.)



One of the things that I got to thinking about was the upcoming seasons of Darrell Jackson and Deion Branch. For those of you who spent the last football season under a rock, the Seahawks' acquisition of Branch from the Patriots made Jackson expendable. Immediately, speculation arose in blogdom as to who would be the #1 receiver of the future. Jackson, with his history of skipping OTA's, injury history (with seemingly non-compliant self-sponsored medical evaluation) and drive-killing drops, there was plenty of fuel to feed that speculation.

With Jackson's draft day departure to the 49ers, the specualtion was over. Branch moved up to take Jackson's role as flanker, and Jackson finally gave the 'Niners a true #1 receiver.

But questions still remain: Did Seattle overpay for Branch, handing over a first round pick and a $39 million? Would the Seahawks have been better off sticking with Jackson, and letting the 'Niners keep their measly fourth round pick?

To be honest, none of it truly matters to me. All I really care about is the scoreboard at the end of the game, and the division standings at the end of the regular season. The only true determination of a successful acquisition is if the team wins when the player plays. Sure, stat monkeys have always been the poo-flinging anathema to this logic, but as usual, I am right and they are wrong.

For the sake of argument, let's say a newly acquired receiver goes out one Sunday and racks up 11 catches for 130 yards in a losing effort against his former team. On the surface, you would think he carried his team, and hoo-boy, he showed them. Afterwards, Stat monkeys would fling that poo, saying we should have kept him, blah blah blah, we sure could use a gamer like that in the playoffs.

But what the airborne feces doesn't tell you:

• About that key drop in the first quarter that killed their opening drive.
• How that missed block that could have sprung the RB for a touchdown.
• To quote Madden, (aargh!) "he zigged when he should've zagged," resulting in an interception. (and he zigged because he didn't do his homework.)
• The fact that his team got behind, in part because he didn't do the little things, so they had to throw the running game out the window; AND he got the ball thrown to him a lot as a result, padding his stats.

I'll take the winning player any day. I'll take the player that quietly does the little things, and does what he needs to win. If he ends the game with three catches for 28 yards, so be it. They are probably all first downs.

Branch is that kind of player. Recall last year against the Cheifs when Alba gave Deion the DAA for stripping the ball in a critical situation. He's more than a receiver, he's a damn fine football player.

But you know what, poo-flinging stat monkeys? I'm going to concede this time. The comparison between Branch and Jackson does hold some intrigue. In the big picture, who cares, but sometimes little subplots make nice blog filler. So as a guesture of my goddamn effervescent kindness, I'm going to heep a rolling stat sheet in one of the columns comparing the two in common stats - receptions, yards, touchdowns, and more importantly -wins in games they actually played. Look for it in the right hand column, people.

No really, stop thanking me. It's the least I can do.

Mike Nolan, Burn Your Comic Books

Look out, you friggin' underdressed cretins. Mike Nolan gets to unleash the power of the dark suit this season.

Nolan, with his amazing 11-20 record in two seasons with the 49ers, seeks to project an image of authority and blah blah blah. In response, NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham granted coaches everywhere permission to wear suits and ties on the sidelines during home games.

So how many other coaches are interested in playing dress-up? Just one, Jack Del Rio. Jack is already on record as thinking that gameday attire is an important part of strategy, and I mock him heavily. The rest of the NFL coaches could care less. Why? Because deep down, they are actual fucking football coaches, not insurance salesman.The suit has no special powers, and it gives you no wins. Car salesmen and Jehovah's Witnesses wear them every day.

Take the very anathema the these suit-wielding weenies, Bill Belichick.

Belichick, very obviously, could care less about his appearance on gameday. Is there any doubt that his team respects him? Not at all. He runs one of the best operations in the business. But the way he dresses, you get the impression he would wear second-hand sweatpants to his mother's funeral. All he needs is to be comfortable, so he can concentrate completely on kicking your ass with his mind. And he does it thoroughly.

And that's just it. Where are your priorities, Mike? Is it so important in your 11-20 world that you need to look strikingly handsome? If you are well dressed and make it to the Super Bowl, you will be perceived and respected as one of the classiest acts of the league. If you don't even make it to the playoffs, you won't. It's a simple as that.

Why? Because a nice suit is a loser's imitiation of success.