Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy LOL-o-Ween!

In the spirit of the holiday, click each image to see if it's a TRICK or a TREAT!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 8

Let's get right to it shall we?

Seattle (+5) over SAN FRANCISCO

Look, I've watched the Seahawks play like absolute shit the past few weeks. If this group has any pride, they can turn it around. No pressure from the home crowd, just go out and play. I know there's injuries, but if this team plays with passion, they can beat a team like 49ers.

BALTIMORE (-7) over Oakland

His win last week aside, Tom Cable sucks at coaching.

CAROLINA (-4) over Arizona

Coming off a bye and going cross country will make it tough for the Cards to find that rhythm again.

Tampa Bay (+2.5) over DALLAS

The Cowboys have some proving to do before I'd put money on them.

Washington (-7.5) over DETROIT

Bet against the Lions now, because they're about to win like three games to ensure a mediocre draft pick.

Buffalo (pk) over MIAMI

Should be a good ballgame, but Miami can be hit and miss.

NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) over St. Louis

The rams have played great ball the past two weeks, but the Patriots seem to have found their stride with Cassel.

San Diego (-3.5) over NEW ORLEANS

The Saints were only using those drugs to recover from jet lag, honest!

NY JETS (-14) over Kansas City

Throw to Laverneus Coles lots, for I need the fantasy football win.

Atlanta (+9) over PHILADELPHIA

The Eagles are good, but nine points is a bit much to give to a fairly talented Falcons team.

JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Cleveland

Can we put this game in prime time? Its the Browns...THEY MUST BE GOOD!

HOUSTON (-9.5) over Cincinnati

The Bengals without Palmer = somehow worse. You didn't think it could get that way.

NY Giants (+2.5) over PITTSBURGH

I smell an upset win here on the road.

Indianapolis (+4) over TENNESSEE

The Titans may walk away undefeated, but I think the Colts can keep it close.

Enjoy the games.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You can't fire me...I WEAR A SUIT

What do you mean I'm fired? Me? Fired? That's impossible. That's like saying that silk ties don't improve defensive blitz packages.

What's that? They don't? LIES!

Now you're bringing in Singletary. Great. Did you see his glasses?

He looks like Urkel! I'll bet he hikes up his pants and wears suspenders at home! With that sort of fashion sense...this team can't possibly succeed.

Fine, if you people can't appreciate a good suit, silk ties, fine shoes, and the finest cufflinks this side of Italy, then you're beyond help.

Though I will miss San Francisco...the shopping here was fantastic.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Even Milk Doesn't Go Sour This Quickly

As always, click picture for punchline.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 7

Its late, I'm, just straight picks this week.

TAMPA BAY (-10.5) over Seattle

Its on the East Coast, and our defensive coordinator is still employed. Only comment I'll make.

San Diego (+1) over BUFFALO

New Orleans (+3) over CAROLINA

CHICAGO (-3) over Minnesota

Pittsburgh (-9.5) over CINCINNATI

Tennessee (-9) over KANSAS CITY

Baltimore (+3) over MIAMI

NY GIANTS (-10.5) over San Francisco

Dallas (-7) over ST. LOUIS

Detroit (+10) over HOUSTON

Indianapolis (-1) over GREEN BAY

NY Jets (-3) over OAKLAND

WASHINGTON (-7.5) over Cleveland

NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Denver

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Did Brad Johnson Buy His Helmet at a Yard Sale? Or Is He Just Cheap?

Something caught my eye at the end of regulation in the Cards-Cowboys matchup. Brad Johnson takes the field as the holder for the potential game-tying field goal.

You know those little green circle stickers they put on the back of helmets, signifying the radio inside? Check out Johnson's:

Apparently someone though it would be funny to make it look like a yard sale sticker, and write "$1.00" on is with a sharpie.

Nice. Wish I'd thought of that. Brad just sits around like a cheap lamp nowdays, anyway.

This Was Not Just a Loss

This was a realignment.

Last Wednesday, Holmgren lit into the team with what was termed as a 'truth session." In the moment of truth, in five successive games, the Seahawks have shown who they really are.

Now they must find a way to come to terms with being identified with a horrible record. They have lost their swagger, their pride, and their enjoyment. You can't just fake it back. The only thing that gets it back is hard teamwork and faith.

So now, how will the Seahawks respond? How will the fans respond? Neither have been in this position for quite a few years.

But wait, it gets worse: Now Seattle heads to road games in Tampa and San Francisco, followed by Philly at home, then a road trip to Miami.

Not good.

But you have my promise: I will not lose my sense of humor. And I will not give up.

/dick joke?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Ask the two creepy guys watching the Mist tryouts

As you may have heard, The Seattle Mist are already the best football team in Seattle holding tryouts. Ok, they already held them. These two guys did their best not to hold on to their own flagpoles while doing nothing to disprove everyone's favorite sterotype of construction workers: they womanize!

I'm sure there was plenty of cat calling going on at the tryouts by these two guys, who surely sound like Scruffy the Janitor from Futurama. However, they weren't just staring at the long legs and nice breasts out there, these two guys have some pretty good football knowledge. So, I've asked them so questions about the Seahawks and the NFL.

Q: So, after a 1-3 start, can the Seahawks turn this thing around?
A: Look at that one! She catches about as good as that Stevens fellow, but she has some great tits....

(trails off)

(awkward silence)

Q: Speaking of people who can't catch, how about Koren Robinson's return. Will he ever make a difference?
A: .....

Q: OK then, with Matt Hasselbeck probably out this Sunday, what's the key for the Seahawks against the Packers?
A: .....

Q: Last question, since you're obviously busy, what can the Seahawks do to light a fire under their damn asses?
A: First off, I'd like to light a fire under HER ass. Secondly, fire Marshal.

Thanks creepy guys watching the mist tryouts! Now, let's handicap this week's games...

Green Bay (+1.5) over SEATTLE

Hasselbeck likely out, no pass rush, John Marshall somehow still having a job (can we blame him for the economic collapse?) Yeah, I'm not looking forward to this one.

Chicago (-2.5) over ATLANTA

The Bears' defense is looking good, and Orton doesn't totally suck balls. So, Chicago's got that going for it.

NEW ORLEANS (-7) over Oakland

Al Davis has just blown the minds of everyone in Idaho by naming Tom Cable head coach. You could hear Vandal Nation go, "BWAH?" except for one minor detail: Idaho fans don't exist.

Carolina (+1.5) over TAMPA BAY

I don't care about this game so....

WASHINGTON (-13) over St. Louis

The Rams: promoting the only defensive coordinator more incompetent than Marshall to head coach. Let's see how this one plays out.

Cincinnati (+8) over NEW YORK JETS

Have the Bengals played at home yet? At the Giants, at the Cowboys, and at the Jets. And they're nearly won two of those weeks, and I think they'll fall just short again.

MINNESOTA (-13) over Detroit

Why don't the Lions play the Rams this year? Secondly, I still think the worst four teams in the NFL should play after the end of the season, just so we can answer questions like "who sucked more?" Besides, then Lions fans would shut up about never making the postseason.

Miami (+3) over HOUSTON

Houston failing to close out a football game? That's never happened before...

And I have to do this, its posting the YouTube video of ESPN's highlights from that game. Notice two things: TV graphics have made HUGE improvements since then and Chris Berman was just as annoying back then.

INDIANAPOLIS (-4) over Baltimore

I think Peyton's back. You?

DENVER (-3.5) over Jacksonville

I don't know what Denver team is going to show up, but I don't think the Jaguars will be bouncing back from that physical MNF game this week.

Dallas (-5) over ARIZONA

Of course, the week I do decide to place bets, I do a three team parlay. I figure, why not profit on Seattle's inability to win on the East coast and after a bye? Check. The Colts beating the Texans? Dramatic check. The Bills just needing to beat the toothless Cardinals. Goddamnit.

PHILADELPHIA (-5) over San Francisco

I'm still mad about that Bills game now that I've reminded myself of it.

SAN DIEGO (-5.5) over New England

The Patriots might have been able to take care of business against a team like San Fran, but making two cross country trips in a row and then playing a real football team? Not happening. And no, I will not look at the current NFC West standings.

New York Giants (-5.5) over CLEVELAND

Awesome, we get to watch the Browns suck in Prime Time...again. I'm almost glad I have a meeting to cover that night.

Enjoy the games...and the Mist!

Your Candidate Sucks!

With a hat tip to for the Po-LOL-itical cartoons above, we invite the 12 Seahawks Way readers to vent their political views and humorous slings and arrows about the "other" candidate.

(I'm really just trying to provide a playground for these topics now that they're taboo over at!)

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Anyone Else Smell Burnt White Toast?

Click Photo For Payoff.

Hey Matthew, Tell Me How My Azz Taste

In case you're not a hoops fan, or you've been living under a rock the past 12 months and you don't get the caption, play the video below.

Monday, October 06, 2008

A Pictorial Essay on the Throbbing Pain of Seahawks Fandom

Note to all my fellow Seahawks fans:

I mask the horrible pain with humor. Please oblige.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

More Problems Than Just The Punter

After a humiliating opening day loss in Buffalo, the Seahawks unceremoniously released punter Ryan Plackemiere.

At the risk of telling tales out of school, the problems with the Seattle Seahawks go much deeper than just the punter.

With the 49ers and Cardinals both leading in their late games, the Seahawks will most likely wake up tomorrow two games behind at least one of their divisional opponents.

And of course, they are just one game ahead of the other one, the hapless Rams, who fired their head coach last week. So, if an 0-4 record can get a head coach fired, don't you think that a 1-3 record is enough to justify shit-canning a Defensive Coodinator?

Whether the team isn't paying attention because this is Holmgren's last year, or half this roster all got "old" at the very same time. What better way to jump start the transition to the Mora era than to send John Marshall packing and install Mora as the D.C.?

Somebody's gotta do something. To quote one of my favorite lines from War Games, "I'd piss on a sparkplug if I thought it would do any good!"

Hey! Look over there!

Jim Zorn is doing well. Hey, maybe we shouldn't have let him go....  Oh well, if you can't be happy for Zorn, then may I suggest:

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Saturday O/T: What really happened when the world's smallest man met the woman with the longest legs

First of all, He Pingping is a cool little dude. Standing at 2'5" he runs his own restaurant and talks like a chipmunk. He's officially been named the world's smallest man.

Svetlana Pankratova, meanwhile, owns the longest legs in the world, which stretch to 4'4".

Together, they made for a strange but entertaining photo opportunity. Check out this clip - but especially watch for Pinping taking a little peek-peek up Svetlana's barren gulag:

That dude kills me. I wonder if they hooked up afterwards? If they did, I hope she tied a broom handle around his ass to keep him from falling in.

In any case, what you don't see here is what he was really looking up at. For that, you had to see it form this difficult-to-obtain view of a innocent, bystanding ground squirrel:

Poor feller. I bet he swears off nuts.