Friday, June 29, 2007

Fowl Play

I'm bored, it's hot, and I'm counting down the hours until the weekend.

I can't come up with anything new or creative today, but that's not going to stop me from posting. Since this is a Seahawks site, here's the SportsCenter Top 10 Bird Moments in Sports for your viewing pleasure:

Which is your favorite?

Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Casing makes the Sausage More Appetizing

OK, this post has nothing to do with the NFL or the Seattle Seahawks, but as you can tell by the content here, most of our readers are men, and we're all pigs, so boar with me.

According to this article on, the latest ad campaign for Trojan Condoms has right-wingers up in arms, as it has less to do with avoiding terrible diseases, and more to do with not wanting to end up with something equally as terminal: and unwanted pregnancy.

I'll skip the opportunity to waive my lefist liberal flag and hop on the soapbox about the religious conservatives burying their heads in the sand regarding the sexual culture in today's society.

Let's just say if this ad was around in the 70s, teaching hotties that a fresh Trojan makes an otherwise sloppy pig-boy more attractive, I wouldn't have had to spend so much time locked in the bathroom with the latest National Geographic.

Anyhow, click the icon above and enjoy the features some good looking woman and one lucky dweeb who's gonna get laid.

A Word of Warning to the NFL

At first, I thought, "BWAAA HAA! This dude is spun!"

But then I thought, "You know, that's what they said about Marshall Applewhite. Nobody took him seriously either, and now all those castrated web designers are laughing at us from Jesus' spaceship behind Hale-Bopp."

I guess my money is on the Lions this year.

(Seen recently at With Leather between a couple of boob shots)

Happy Birthday KSK!

Today is a special day in the blogoshere as the folks over at KSK are celebrating their first birthday.

We at 12 Seahawks Street would like to wish Captain Caveman, who started blogging on this very site, and the rest of the KSK editorial team the best on this special occasion.

Of course, like most one-year-old birthday parties, they'll probably hit the bottle hard, shit in their pants, and mush their fingers in the cake.

But, what the fuck, it's their day, so let them do what they want! Just be sure to take pictures to embarrass them with on their sweet sixteenth.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Bootleg Shannon Sharpe Sex Video

Oh, dear lord. He was such a fine player. 815 catches for 10,060 yards, and now his life has come to this - getting hand jobs on Youtube.

Wait, maybe it's not Sharpe. It's hard to tell with him foaming at the mouth so much, and the indirect camera shots to his face. Then again, maybe it's Eugene Robinson. He's a slut.

Pretty impressive the fluffer has to wear a helmet, huh?

The NFL According to Ichiro: New York Giants

In the coming weeks before training camp, 12 Seahawks Street will feature a season preview of your favorite NFL team, courtesy of everyone's Favorite Quotable Japanese Major League Baseball Player With a Seriously High Batting Average, Ichiro Suzuki. Last week, he pulled the kimono from the Indianapolis Colts. This week, he brings the Giants down to size.

In offseason, your favorite NFL team is like new electronic toy. You look at shiny box and crazy commercial. You talk to salesman is store. It sound like new toy will make you very happy and give amazing fun. But then you open box and play with shiny toy but it sucks donkey shit and shoots sparks and you lose eye.

How can you know if fancy toy is good or not? It helps to hear the very strong opinion from person with special insight and no favoritism. The person open box and check out toy for you, so you know if is good happy fun, or fucked up waste of yen.

Hello, I am Ichiro Suzuki, and I am your guide for up coming NFL season, telling you what teams will be good or bad so you know what to expect, not like surprise shitty toy causing blindness. This week I open box of New York Giants.

Last Season:Finished 8-8; 3-5 at home (yuk); 5-3 on the road (huh?); and 4-2 in the division. Finished 3rd in division with no playoff prospect.

New York is very strange team. If you listen to hype before last season, you think Giants are impressive dynasty, like Hirohito. But really they are average shithead, like joe garbage man with bitchy wife, mangy dog and pregnant children on drugs.

Why are the Giants of American football so dwarf of accomplishment? They seem so full of talent. The answer lies in their infantile leadership.

You would think quarterback on professional football team would be leader. But Eli Manning has discipline of drunken motherless two year old. Sure, he is fantastic in fourth quarter. But where the hell is he for first three? No discipline. He also can throw the ball nice for lot of time, but then for no reason he will lob one like flushed waterfowl with epilepsy. Definitely not leadership type.

Then you have great talent at tight end with Jeremy Shockey. He make great plays that show up on ESPN. Unfortunately, his stupid mouth show up on ESPN, too. Definitely not leadership type.

Don't even talk to me about Plaxico Burress. Another great talent, but if downs off were days off, he would be unemployed hobo living in Cleveland. Definitely not leadership type.

Michael Strahan is very good player, gives strong effort. But spending much time publicly arguing with estranged wife over recent activites of penis is tiresome, especially if she says it was stuffing the pooper of another man. This is fucked up shit, definitely not valiant leader type.

Jay Feeley sucks in clutch. Missing three possible game winning goals in one game tells me he has sparrow eggs for testicles. Definitely not leader type. Not even follower type.

This leaves them with Antonio Pierce for leadership. Big huge, squinty YAWN.

Without any new leaders coming up this season, the Giants will just get worse. When going get tough this season, Giants will wilt like hundred year old dick.

My Own Very Strong Prediction: 7-9 (and I'm being generous); third place in division.

Check back again for more great insight from me, Ichiro Suzuki.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Who Says Golf is Not a F*cking Sport?

While there are those that say that any activity that you can drink beer while playing isn't really a sport, Bruce Burger may beg to differ.

On the 6th hole of a Florida golf course, Mr. Berger learned that when you least expect it, golf can become a contact sport!

Surely not the brightest 50-year-old bulb in the box, Bruce disregarded warning signs and attempted to retreive his golf ball from the edge of a pond, where a one-eyed, eleven foot alligator gave a new meaning to the term "water hazard."

With the alligator firmly attached to his right arm, Mr. Berger beat the crap out of the myopic reptile with a series of frantic left jabs, until the alligator released him, and miraculously avoided major injury.

When asked to comment, Berger said, "if it wasn't for that saggy-titted, bro-wearing Mickelson, I'd be the one that they now call Lefty!"

Hooters Goes Bust

It's a sad, sad day here in upstate New York, as we lose not one, but two American insTITutions.

The Hooters Restaurants in Albany and Syracuse have gone tits-up, and the parent company is swimming like an axe without a handle. Chapter 11 hits like 30 years of gravity, as this once pert and supple franchise is now sagging at waist level.

What is this cuntree cumming to when a man cannot go and enjoy a cold beer and overpriced Buffalo wings served to him by a 20-something buxom beauty in hot pants and a ripped tank top? (although quite frankly I never really understood the whole 'nylons with hot pants' thing!)

The mall will now be filled with overwhelmed and confused husbands and boyfriend who no longer have a place to catch a quick glimpse of the game, along with a long glimpse at some bodacious cleavage, as their wives and girlfriends spend countless hours (and disposable income) shopping for shoes.

It seems to be poetic justice that news of these closings come in pairs.

I guess I'll have to go back to taking long lunches within binocular range of cheer leading practice over at the the high school now!

Monday, June 25, 2007

If We Could Only Figure Out How To Add A Keg

No doubt you've noticed - we remodeled the Street again. We took some risks with the design this time - ditching the stark white theme for a little more pizazz. (But not a blatant copy of With Leather kind of pizzaz.) If you're reading this via email or a site feed, come check it out, and offer any suggestions you might have.

In fact, you may be able to settle a difference of opinion. Alba doesn't care for the columns staggeed at different heights around Shaun Alexander's head. I, however, designed it that way, I think it's artsy-fartsy, but aknowledge that it is a risk and realize I have a penchant for bad ideas.

So please, drop us a comment and solve our little spat.

Tanks for the Memories!

Tanks to PFT we come by this story that the Bears have jettisoned Lovebug for his most recent brush with the law.

Good to see he hung on to the last name of Johnson, because this guy is certainly one enormous prick!

Reality TV Has More Integrity than the NFL

Q: What's missing from this picture of Bill Cowher?

A: A trophy!

Bill "I'm not related to Colin" Cowher found out that it's much more difficult to bring home the iron when you haven't paid off the head official or share a hometown with a member of his crew.

Faced with a level playing field and equipped only with his talents and abilities, Kordell Stewart's soul-mate finished the ABC-Gillette thinly veiled infomercial known as Fast Cars & Superstars: Gillette Young Guns Celebrity Race, where he should have finished in the 2005 playoffs - dead last.

When asked to comment about his pitiful performance, the former coach of the Stealers said, "I drove today a lot like Ben Roethlisberger played in Super Bowl XL, which is to say like total crap. I guess I took winning for granted when your owner is a beloved icon of the good-old-boy network, and you have two or three refs in your back pocket. I thought I understood what the NFL did for us a couple of years ago, but after learning how hard it is to compete when a contest is judged fairly, I really appreciate it."

Of course, this would be a feel good story for most fans of the Seahawks, if my journalistic integrity didn't bind me to full disclosure on this made-for-TV racing event, forcing me to acknowledge that the winner's trophy was claimed by another notoriously hated individual throughout Seahawk Nation.

But as much as it pains me to admit it, at least when the Elway-lead Broncos were kicking our asses up and down the AFC West, they were doing it fairly and squarely, and not with assistance from any zebra-striped performance enhancing substances!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Gay Men Think Patrick Kerney Is H-O-T

The point of this post is rather simple. A gay men's website called TOWLEROAD (are they sure they don't mean TOWEL ROD?) features a series of ass shots of Seattle Seahawks' newly acquired DE Patrick Kerney. Presumably the pictures are taken last season, when he was still with the Falcons. More pictures after the jump.

But that's not all - this isn't the first time the site has ogled over Kerney. Back in '05, they did the same.

But wait! There's more! The following quotes are actual comments from actual gay TOWEL ROD readers:

  • Baby oh baby! Let me AT that Patrick Kearney!

  • Usually I try not to go all crazy, but the fact that you can see his jockstrap hugging his butt makes me lose all my motor skills

  • that man's ass is OUT OF CONTROL!
    Thanks for making me drool on my keyboard!

  • Damn I'd let him tackle me any given sunday!

  • Yeah, that is one incredible backside. Tight-end? Wide-Receiver? Woof!

  • Cracked walnuts, anyone?

  • His pants are so soaked through with sweat that you can see the strap of his jock too. HOT!

  • Is he mixed race?

  • The guy on the left (in the first pic) is cuter, IMO. But damn! that ass ....

  • Sweat, arms, and a TIGHT ass. What else could a man want?

  • I want to drink him

  • You have never lived until you've had your dick sucked in Kerney's hyperbolic chamber!

  • Your dick swells up in that chamber. It gets to be twice its normal size. So you can imagine that Kerney can pack a punch in that thing. I need 12 stitches, but it was worth it.

  • lawd. tito needs a tissue.

  • I hate to be crass-but why not.
    Remember the old saying 'do you have any Italian in you? Do you want some?
    Lord-yes I did.

  • Wow, talk about a tight end that just won't quit! That is nice. Now he can do a two point conversion in my end zone ANY day of the week! Who has more info on this boy??

  • Go Seahawks! =)

  • Holy bubble butt, Batman! That's a killer piece of ass!

  • I went to boarding school with Pat Kerney. Community showers, boys! He is nicer on the inside than the out.

  • Damn! I live in Seattle and knew nothing of this hotness...time to get Seahawk tickets.

  • SHIT! This must be how it feels before you have a stroke!

There were a lot more (and much more crude) comments, but I think you get the drift.

Now, before you start giving me a load of shit, i.e., "How did you get these pictures, Bloof? How long have you been browsing gay web sites, Bloof? When are you coming out, Bloof?" FUCKING SPARE ME. I can explain. I subscribe to this thing called "Google Alerts", where I receive emails from Google notifying me when their Googlebots find new material with keywords I specify. This was found with the simple phrase "Seattle Seahawks." So there.

Allright, here are the rest of the pics. I gotta go take a shower. I feel dirty.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Mike Sando Leaves Us For the Four-Letter

By now you've probably heard that Seattle Seahawks beat reporter and blogger extraordinaire Mike Sando is leaving the Tacoma News-Tribune for a high-fallootin' job at ESPN.

Internet-based Seahawks fans everywhere are reeling. Right now, there are folks at his former blog repeatedly hitting 'refresh' in the hopes that this is all a cruel joke, that somehow this is actually April 1 or there is a hidden camera on them somewhere.

It's understandable. Sando provided the best Seahawks coverage the world has seen, bar none. He turned his seven course media access meal into easily digested, meaningful and insightful morsels of fact, and presented them to us near instantaneously. He diligently answered our questions, provided spreadsheets full of amazing historical content, and was even capable of a joke or two, sometimes at his own expense.

Probably the most telling indicator of just how highly regarded he has become can be found buried Seahawks fan sites everywhere: The near Biblical phrase, "according to Sando." Google it for yourself. The man was the last word on injuries, free agency, and perceived job security.

Good luck, Mike, and thanks for everything. And good luck to all of you who are coming down from the addiction.

(By the way, just for the record -- I CALLED IT.)

Friday, June 22, 2007

Why Reggie White Never Made It At Ping Pong

This little clip is nothing short of amaz-az-zing. I don't know jack about ping pong, but this is just... No effing way.

Is that Jackie Chan? It's so hard to tell. They all look the same.

How to Survive an NFL Player Attack

While you are far more likely to be killed by a showboating dragster in a redneck parade, few bar room/strip club encounters will evoke sheer terror as an NFL player on the prowl. Fortunately, attacks form NFL players are rare, and most species are harmless. Still, when an NFL player enters the room, most are capable of inflicting serious injuries, killing people, or subjecting you to unwanted groping.

While it is best to learn how to prevent an NFL player attack, it is also important to know what to so in the case of an actual attack, maximizing your chance of survival with limbs and erogenous zones intact.


1. Remain calm. While it is true that you want to get out of the club quickly if you find yourself in the vicinity of an NFL player, you must accept the fact that you cannot outrun him (especially if you're shit-faced) and simply sprinting to the exit probably isn't your best option. Timing is everything. Use your Star Fleet Captain-like savvy to seize the right opportunity.

2. Keep the player in the corner of your eye at all times. Remember, an NFL player is an ego-driven, insecure, spoiled child-beast. Don't ever look at him directly. This will either be perceived as a threat or an invitation, and may draw an attack by groping, fondling, assault with a pool cue and/or shooting. But if he notices you watching him fearfully out the corner of your eye, he will likely be flattered and move on.

3. Always be looking for a way out. Which is the closest exit? Is there anyone in the way? Keep yourself continually alert for your opportunity. Don't be afraid to set off the alarms by using the emergency exit. This is your life we're talking here--fuck the bar tab. When the moment is right, you need to bolt like a greased pig.

4. Be clever. There are a lot of things you can do to create a diversion and give yourself an opportunity to escape unnoticed.

  • Discreetly ask the waitress to turn the TV monitors to ESPN. If Sportscenter is on, this will give you a small window of distraction where the player will contemplate the near future, daydreaming of his own glorious highlights that never happened. One note of caution, however -- you must leave right away. When he snaps out of it, he is going to realize that someone else is getting airtime and NOT him, and this sort of success requires commitment. Then the shit hits the fan, and you don't want to be there.
  • Covertly lob ice cubes onto the stage. If the stripper slips and falls, head to the exit while the NFL player tries to dive into her muff.
  • Use your cell phone to dial 911. Tell them you're at this bar watching 80's band Great White, and you smell smoke. The sirens and emergency lights will scare the fuck out the player and his posse.
  • Call the NFL Headquarters at (212) 450-2000. Tell Roger Goodell that this such-and-such player is here at this club, and shit is going down. The cops will be there in minutes, if not seconds.


  • DON'T go to the restroom or backstage. The NFL player will follow you and have his way with you in some unspeakable manner.
  • Remember to breathe. You will need adequate oxygen when it is your time to make a break for it.
  • DON'T get an autograph. Once upon a time, it was an honor to be asked for an autograph. Not any more. Autograph hounds are viewed as a nuisance who turn around and sell the items on Ebay. He is likely to make an example out of you, and reinforce his reputation with a good ass kicking.
  • If you are with a hot chick, ditch her. This is like swimming in a shark tank with a bloody harbor seal tied around your neck. In fact, tell her she has ketchup on her face, so she will go to the restroom, get followed in by said player or posse for a thorough groping. That would be your chance to escape.
  • If you are approaching the club and you see Hummers, Bentleys and/or Escalades, don't go in.
  • If you see hot chicks leaving a bar and they don't look happy, don't go in.
  • If you hear gunshots, forget everything and run like hell.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Viva, Lost Wages!

Well, it seems that the other shoe has finally dropped on Pacman Jones, and he's being officially charged in connection with the Las Vegas shooting incident during the All Star game.

The shooting happened at the Minxx Gentlemen's Club on February 19. Suspended Tennessee Titan Adam "Pacman" Jones is charged with two counts of felony coercion.

Charges were also filed against two other people involved in the incident and identified as friends of "Pacman" Jones. Robert "Big Rob" Reid is charged with one count of felony coercion and Sadia Morrison is charged with five counts: assault with a deadly weapon, battery with a deadly weapon, felony coercion, felony coercion with use of a deadly weapon and burglary.

It seems that the authorities have yet to charge anyone with the actual shooting, but this certainly is a GAME OVER for Pacman's bid to reduce his suspension, as he kisses his entire 2007 salary goodbye.

Unfortunately, this also means that Pacman is now the new T.O., where we will be force-fed daily updates about his travails throughout the season whether we want them or not.

And depending upon how this plays out, or if more charges are filed against Pacman, the next Elvis tune he may be singing might be Jailhouse Rock, where he'll see lots of guys striking the same pose as "the King" during new inmate orientation.

How to Make the 49er-Cards Matchup More Gay

As if the second-feature of the opening Monday Night Football matchup wasn't gay enough, pitting metrosexual Matt Lineart against gender-confused Alex Smith, ESPN has decided to gay-it-up a little more by choosing to put Mike Greenberg in the booth.

Although he'll be flanked by NFL icon Mike Ditka, doing his best John Madden impression, and NFL alumni Mike Golick, trying despirately not to speak with his mouth full, having "Greenie" in the booth calling this game is going to provide more bi-curious subtext than the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

Granted, having Greenberg discuss the differences between an ascot and a necktie, or extolling the benefits of the man-purse during lulls in the action may help the struggling ESPN telecast appeal to the female viewer, while at the same time avert the focus of the male audience from the pitiful brand of football being played on the field.

And with Tony Kornheiser calling the opener, and Bonnie Berstein on the sidelines, the casual view may get more information on the blintz than the blitz.

I just hope that six hours into the 2007 season I don't find myself missing the Joe Theisman era.

Wait a minute.

Theisman? That's not Jewish, is it?

EDIT: Need I say more?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hey PFT....STFU Already!

For some reason, the fine folks over at have a hard-on over the contact that seems to be going on in every team's off season conditioning program, even though it's explicitly against the CBA.


In case they haven't been paying attention, people also drive over the speed limit, sample grapes at the grocery store, and surf blog sites while on work time, all which are explicitly against the rules, but each being offenses that largely go unpunished.


I really do like the PFT site and they usually have hot stories long before the "real media" gets the green light from their legal departments to run with them. Hell, it's enough to like the site for the way they bust balls on Len Pass-the-Jelly and Penis King.

But for the love of god, and all that's holy, please, please, please stop running multiple daily pieces several times a week about some team that may be running bump-and-runs or blocking a little to hard during 7-on-7 drills.

In case you haven't been paying attention, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, NOBODY CARES BUT YOU!

* accompanying graphic unkowningly courtesty of JoSCh

Budweiser, Ex-Lax, and Blueberries

Yeah, I'm a pretty good shot.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Thinning The Herd

What predators, long winters and suburban sprawl are to the deer popluation, it appears that motor sports, handguns and strip clubs are to the professional football player.

If this were the KSK site, we'd have a cool video of Pacman Jones being slowly consumed by a large-breasted python wrapped around a dancer's pole, or Lavar Arrington being shot out of a canon over the Snake River!

And I better not hear any Arrington wise-cracks out of anyone who took me to task over this piece!

New Hope for Lesbians Who Can't Hit A Softball

Used to be that if you were a young, female athlete, your best hopes of hitting it big was in the local women's softball league, teaching gym, or as a donor sperm catcher for Martina Navratilova!

But now there's new hope for you girls with the pageboy haircuts who may have trouble hitting that leather grapefruit.

Thanks to this obscure link on, you can tool up to the Cincinnati Sizzle headquarters in your Rav4 and try another activity predominately reserved for those of us with penises!

Yes, there is something called the National Women's Football League, and it's got the endorsement of NFL icons Franco Harris and Albert Woods. If this league catches on, I can just see the product endorsement deals now...

"Don't get caught doing the Icky Shuffle to the locker room. When it's that time of the month, use the new and improved Steel Curtain panty liner, from Playtex! Remember our motto: Let no ball carrier ever pass through this gap!"

It's only fair to warn you before clicking the link to the video, that these are not the lipstick lesbians from your favorite Penthouse pictorial, or the Power Puff girls from the Lingerie Bowl. No siree. These are big-boned, water-retaining, corn-fed American ladies who would make Rosie O'Donnell and the Fat Oprah seem like the Olsen Twins!

All I have to say is, if this is what we'll be stuck with to fill the off-season void until the big boys start playing again, Good God Richie Cunningham, don't put NFL Europa to death just yet!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The NFL According To Ichiro: Indianapolis Colts

The NFL is like a fine geisha woman. When you see her in her nice white makeup and silk kimono, you think, "I sure would like to dip my chop stick into her sushi," (heheh), but you really do not know what you are getting until you remove the kimono. The geisha may have one nipple pointing East and the other South, or she may have a private part that is like a big nasty baboon. You must see under the kimono to find out.

Hello. I am Ichiro Suzuki. I will be your guide to the very entertaining NFL, removing the offseason kimono from your favorite team, so you may see if you want to enjoy their pleasure or fuck a different one. Today, I undress...

The defending NFL champion Indianapolis Colts

Last season: Finished 12-4; undefeated at home; 4-4 on the road; 3-3 in the division.

Much attention is focused on Peyton Manning, but it is too much. The Colts were finally successful in the playoff last year because the rest of the team got better, and Manning did not have to worry so much.

That Peyton Manning is messed up, he worry to much. He worry about the defense. He worry about the formation. He worry about the audible. He worry about the week six opponent blitz package--in 2011. He worry about what his father think. He worry about Tom Brady's prettier face being on the magazine but never his own. He worry about his huge head making him look like a giant fetus. AND, he worry about big scary clowns.

Manning needs to quit worrying and play football. In big game he show his worry by sitting on a bench and biting towel like his bedroom pillow. There is an old Japanese proverb that says, "Man who bite pillow walk funny in morning. Man who bite scapula wake up happy."

Manning has championship but he still has not left his pillow-biting way. I expect fine regular season effort, but cool-hand Brady will scare shit out of him in January, and once again will spend the next Super Bowl fighting with Eli over TV remote.

My Own Very Strong Prediction: 15-1; loss to Patriots in playoff.

Check back again for more great insight from me, Ichiro Suzuki.

Mike Nolan, Burn Your Comic Books

Look out, you friggin' underdressed cretins. Mike Nolan gets to unleash the power of the dark suit this season.

Nolan, with his amazing 11-20 record in two seasons with the 49ers, seeks to project an image of authority and blah blah blah. In response, NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham granted coaches everywhere permission to wear suits and ties on the sidelines during home games.

So how many other coaches are interested in playing dress-up? Just one, Jack Del Rio. Jack is already on record as thinking that gameday attire is an important part of strategy, and I mock him heavily. The rest of the NFL coaches could care less. Why? Because deep down, they are actual fucking football coaches, not insurance salesman.The suit has no special powers, and it gives you no wins. Car salesmen and Jehovah's Witnesses wear them every day.

Take the very anathema the these suit-wielding weenies, Bill Belichick.

Belichick, very obviously, could care less about his appearance on gameday. Is there any doubt that his team respects him? Not at all. He runs one of the best operations in the business. But the way he dresses, you get the impression he would wear second-hand sweatpants to his mother's funeral. All he needs is to be comfortable, so he can concentrate completely on kicking your ass with his mind. And he does it thoroughly.

And that's just it. Where are your priorities, Mike? Is it so important in your 11-20 world that you need to look strikingly handsome? If you are well dressed and make it to the Super Bowl, you will be perceived and respected as one of the classiest acts of the league. If you don't even make it to the playoffs, you won't. It's a simple as that.

Why? Because a nice suit is a loser's imitiation of success.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

World Wide Visitor Map

Fellow Members of No. 12,

It's been great to meet you all over the years. How about a little "shout out" to your peeps all over the world? Post your grill on the Frappr below.

It's great to see we're EVERYWHERE, man!

Tuesdays With Morons: Fat Slob

You provide the caption. Winner TBA.
(I will actually do it. Alba forgot to pick a winner for his TWM last week.)

Pac Man Confronts Roger Goodell; Richie Cunningham Wins

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.

After being handed a full season suspension, Adam "Pac Man" Jones met with Richie Cunningham at NFL headquarters. The results were nothing short of extraordinary. Out of his giant yellow pie hole came these words today:

"Last week, I asked for an opportunity to meet privately with commissioner Goodell. I met with him earlier today to tell him about the steps I have taken to change my life since being suspended by the NFL. I accept the discipline that's been imposed on me and I am withdrawing my appeal."

Damn, I wish I could have been there. For a supposed badass like Pac Man to turn into a meek little lamb, Richie Cunningham must have lit into him hard, like God did to Moses when he lost the keys to the Tabernacle. I can't even imagine.

I have to give Jones credit, though. He accepted his discipline of a full year suspension, and withdrew his appeal. This might be the first step to turning his life around. I hope he can follow through with it.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Tony Soprano Lives!

Everyone else in America is talking (or bitching and moaning) about it this morning, so why should we be any different?

Last night was the final episode of the Sopranos, and depending upon who you talk to, some feel it when out with a whimper (although Phil Leotardo is on record that it went out with a bang!) There are a ton of places on the internet to voice your opinions about the show, and since we're mainly a football blog, we're not going to do that here.

But now that we know North Jersey's favorite sociopath managed to live though the final 64 minutes of the show, and is seemingly out of work (unless they decide to make a movie) let's see if we can focus his talents within the realm of the NFL. If you could hire Tony Soprano and his mob of merry men to talk out anyone within the National Football League, who would it be, and how do you think the hit would go down?

Would you take out Commissioner Richie Cunningham while he's sharing a malted with Lori Beth at Al's?

Would you whack Pacman Jones and his crew as they're "making it rain" during jello-wrestling night at the Ba-Da-Bing?

Would you drop a dime on Tank Johnson and have an epic firefight between the mobsters and the heavily armed defensive lineman?

Or would you just pop a general purpose cap in Tom Brady's ass for shits and grins?

You've gotten clearance from the Capo de Capo, and anyone is fair game. So who you gunna whack?

Ocho Cinco Loves the Head-o Start-o

Displaying speed that amazed eight year old boys everywhere, Chad Johnson has actually done it (kind of). He raced a horse and won (sort of).

Never mind that he only had to run half the distance as the horse.

Get a load of the race footage, and the interview:

After easily beating the handicapped horse, Johnson proclaimed his next conquests:
"Floyd Mayweather, you're next. I want to fight you. I'd like to take Kobe and LeBron one-on-one. Jeff Gordon, we can take a couple laps. ... Now it's my time to take over the race world."

We can only guess how he is going to handicap them.

Will he insist that Mayweather fight with one hand and hop around on one leg? Will he go one-on-one against a blindfolded Kobe? Will he make LaBron play with Bruce Bowen tied to his back? Will Jeff Gordon be forced to drive an ice cream truck around Talladega?

I guess that's how he makes the headlines, being ridiculous. And here I am writing about him--hook, line and sinker.

Friday, June 08, 2007

How Do You Know When Devon Boddie Is Lying?

There's an old joke that goes "how can you tell when a car salesman is lying?"

The punchline: "His lips are moving!"

Watching the video on of Michael Vick's cousin try and defend himself and his peeps, that old joke can be paraphrased as "How can you tell when Davon Boddie is lying....he sways from side to side!"

Even after being asked to stand still for the camera, Mr. Boddie spends the next 10 minutes or so saying "it is what it is" about 100 times and swaying worse than the cast of Pirates of the Carri bean.

Unfortunately, in this country, where you're supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, once you or someone on your behalf jumps in front of a camera and start denying stuff, you automatically appear guilty as sin.

Couple this video with the reports on PFT that the Feds have found dog remains on the property, Ron Mexico may be the next big name player to get the business end of Richie Cunningham's new personal conduct policy.

Of course, it could all be an intricate conspiracy cooked up by the Federal government against this apparent druggie and lowlife piece of trash, because we all know how the Government likes to go after cousins of famous people.

Hey, aren't Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie cousins?

See what I mean!

Friday Circle Jerk, Vol. I

Because I have an overblown sense of potence, I have elected to pick out some nice little naughty bits from the blogosphere this week that I think just didn't get quite enough spooge. I bring it to you 'cuz I'm sexaay.

Pardon me while I rub & run:

With that pile of baby batter, I leave you with the Money Shot --

Cheerleaders and Band Geeks Get Knocked the F#$% Out!!!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

What Would You Trade For Daunte Culpepper?

The word is out: Daunte Culpepper is on the trading block. The amusing part of the situation is that he's one of the most overrated veteran quarterbacks the league has ever seen.

Which begs the question: What is Daunte Culpepper worth? In my own amateur estimation, not much. He makes poor reads, poor decisions, and poor margaritas. (Why do you think Stevens went to Tampa instead?)

So, to confirm my specualtion, we're going to play a little game called "What Would You Trade For Daunte?" The scenario is that you are the GM of a National Football League Team. You get called by the Miami Dolphins front office and they ask what you would be willing to give up for Culpepper. What is your answer?

You get to pick the team, and the terms are wide open. Have fun with it. Here are some examples:

  • Detroit Lions: Matt Millen, a large body of water, and a pair of concrete shoes
  • Green Bay Packers: Brett Favre, a lawn mower, and Mike Holmgren's cell phone number
  • Atlanta Falcons: Mike Vick, a box of Club Squared Ungummed, and a copy of Pit Bulls for Dummies
  • St. Louis Rams: 40 tons of Purina Dog Chow and at least as much Budweiser
  • Seattle Seahawks: 4,723 unsold Jerramy Stevens jerseys, signed copy of Shaun Alexander's book, and a Starbucks gift card

I think you get the picture. Your turn.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Death, Taxes and Pulled Pork

For most of the free world, the only two thing in life that are guaranteed are death and taxes.

If you're a Seahawks fan, you can add Pulled Pork to that list.

That's Pulled Pork, as in Floyd "Pork Chop" Womack, the oft injured reserve lineman for the Seahawks, who once again has pulled something in his knee two days into mini-camp.

Maybe he was just born with brittle bones and inelastic tendons. Maybe he has a thing for the soft touch and smooth massages of the Seahawks trainers. Or maybe he's just as good an insurance policy as that Trojan you've been carrying in your wallet since high school.

For whatever reason though, The Other White Meat just can't make it as a featured entree.

While Walter Jones was skipping training camps, in retaliation for being franchised, Pork Chop kept his left tackle position warm until Big Walt got tired of pushing his Escalade around and checked in for the regular season.

Slated to be the starting right tackle in 2005, a training camp injury once again sidelined Spare Rib, and Sean Locklear established himself as the starter during the epic Superbowl season.

Last year, Hamsteak was supposed to be the heir-apparent to the left guard position left vacant by the poison-pill pusher, Steve Hutchinson. Make that the err-apparent, because again, old Pork ended up with his medalions in a sling, and missed most of the season.

On the plus side, he's been in Mike Holmgren's offense for several years, and can step in at any position except center. On the minus side, chances are good that he'll twist and ankle or pull a hamstring just by stepping in.

He must have great pictures of someone high up in the Seattle organization, otherwise it's hard to understand how someone who has taken less game time snaps, than the number of body parts he has had snapped, can remain on the roster.

And with the way the Seahawks have cut ties with injured players at other positions, like Andre Dyson, Kelly Herndon and Josh Scobey, old Pork Chop may find out that nursing yet another pre-season injury just ain't Kosher.

Video Clip Classic, Vol. 2: Why Carl Lewis Never Came Close to Playing Football

Carl Lewis is as gifted of an athlete as the world has ever seen. Among his accolades:

  • Ten Olympic medals (including nine gold)
  • Ten World Championship medals (including eight gold)
  • 65 consecutive victories in the long jump
  • Named "Sportsman of the Century" by the International Olympic Committee
  • Named "Olympian of the Century" by Sports Illustrated
  • World records coming out his ass.

But this bafflingly awful video kills any good karma for the man. Watch it, dammit. Watch it and wish to die.

At first, you think, "this is gay. Lewis must be gay. Gay, gay, gay."

But that's until you see the travesty in the sauna room. Then you want to gouge your eyes out, throw up, and put a shotgun in your mouth. It's not exactly gay, but it's... I dunno... WTF!?!?!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Dolphin & Chief Fans Need Not Respond

It appears that the Trent Green [yawn] to the Dolphins trade has finally been made, according to the NFL Network crawl and this piece on, which means that Dante Culpepper will soon hit the open market.

That means that the fan boards and blogs of at least 29 other teams will soon have a topic titled "What about Dante Culpepper?". (30 if you think Viking fans are stupid enough to want him back.)

Some fans may think that Dante is just the short-term stop-gap they need as the starting QB while they develop their raw young talent. Come on Raider, Bronco and Brown fans, you know you're thinking about it.

Other teams may think he'd be a good insurance policy, should their starter get injured, or just continue to suck for another season. I'm mainly talking to you Bears fan, but the entire NFC East may just knock the shit out of each other trying to sign this guy before the other one does!

Then there are those teams who just don't have a QB, where even a broken down and overrated Culpepper would be seen as an immediate upgrade. I'm not just talking to you, Bills fan, I'm including your buddy in the back row wearing the Cheesehead too.

Even teams with established starting QB and viable clipboard holders already on the roster will feel the need to discuss adding Captain Stuebing to their roster, even at the risk of creating a QB controversy and effecting team chemistry. This would include Jaguar fan, Steeler fan and yes, even my own beloved Seahawk bretheren.

So step up and make your best case as to why you would (or wouldn't) want your team to take a flyer on Daunte Culpepper, or at least provide the screen name and web address of the first clown to suggest this move on your favorite fan forum.

All I know is, Surry County, Virginia prosecutor Gerald Poindexter just got a brand new deputy to lead the fight and do whatever it takes to get a dog fighting conviction against Michael Vick!

Gene Upshaw, The %@# Damn Effervescent Diplomat

It's no wonder that the NFL Players' Union sucks. Their chief spokesman and negotiator, Gene Upshaw, is a babbling idiot.

Case One: Hall of Fame guard Joe DeLamielleure, one of the leading advocates of retired NFL players who are in need of financial assistance, and an outspoken critic of the the league's lack of care for retired players, recently had the joy of reading the following threat in the Philadelphia Daily News last week.
"A guy like DeLamielleure says the things he said about me; you think I'm going to invite him to dinner? No. I'm going to break his ... damn neck."

Nice to see you can resolve problems so amicably, Gene. Ever think of running for office? In Iran?

Case Two: In response to other criticism regarding his lack of attention to retired players, he offered this gem:

"The bottom line is I don't work for them. They don't hire me and they can't fire me. They can complain about me all day long. They can have their opinion. But the active players have the vote. That's who pays my salary."

That's swell, Gene. Thanks for being such a great listener.

Case Three: Mike Ditka criticizes Upshaw. Once again, over the provisions for retired players. He immediately started wielding his schlong:

"It was irresponsible and shows how dumb [Ditka] is. I didn't just come to this rodeo. I've been doing this since 1983. When did he start? Last year? I get upset when people say I turned our back on players. The NFL never turned its back on anybody."

"Look, I was in the Hall of Fame before Mike Ditka got there [in 1988]. (Upshaw was inducted in 1987) He just runs his mouth. He doesn't want to know the facts."

Lets' see here... You're more right becasue you were inducted a year before Ditka... OK, I get it. That makes perfect sense.

Bottom line, the NFL and the NFLPA are too big for horseshit like this. Upshaw needs to go. Every time Upshaw opens his pie hole with headline fodder, he discredits the union and the NFL owners smile.

The Street Salutes Antonio Pierce For Calling "Anyone Who Fights Pit Bulls a Punk"

ALERT: The following is a refreshing change from all the crappy NFL player dogfighting scandal horseshit.

Antonio Pierce of the New York Football Giants is a RESPONSIBLE pit bull breeder. He apparently deplores the treatment given to many of the dogs, and went so far as to call anyone who fights dogs [presumably Vick] "a punk."

Please check out this post from You Been Blinded for a great take on Pierce's comments.

Roger Goodall Is Fair!

While driving around at lunch today, I had to listen to Dan Patrick piss and moan about how NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham is teetering on a slippery slope by anointing himself Judge and Jury in meting out these suspensions.

To this I say BULLSHIT!

This is the same Dan Patrick that lauds the unilateral power that David Stern wields over his league, and even used the fact that Sterns provided no wiggle room when he suspended Ron Artest for the season as an example while discussing the "two weeks off for good behavior" clause in the Tank Johnson sentence.

Hey Dan, if you want to know why Richie is offering LoveBug the ability to reduce his suspension from eight to six games, just look at the schedule.

The Bears open at San Diego and then travel to Kansas City and Dallas, then come three divisional games.

Do the math Dan. 3 + 3 = 6

Not only is the "2 weeks off for good behavior" clause a clear message that Richie wants his players to act as cool as Fonzie on and off the field, but an effort to make it so that each of the three Divisional opponents plays the Tank-less Bears lineup.

Say what you want about the adult-Opie, but you can't say he's not fair.

Of course, don't be surprised if Matt Millen sends Tank Johnson free tickets to the Midwest Rifle and Gun Show, because if he fucks up during his suspension, the Lions, who play in Chicago in Week 8, wouldn't have to face LoveBug at all this season.

Tuesdays With Morons: Pucker Up!

For those who may be new to the Street, Tuesdays With Morons is our weekly feature where you provide the caption using the Comments section below. All comments are then screened by our illustrious panel of judges, and then a winner is announced later in the week.

It's the off season, and everyone is still a little rusty at this, so don't worry about hitting a home run, just take a few swings and see where it lands!

Asante Samuel Doesn't Feel Appreciated

Asante Samuel is a damn fine football player. He knows it. The Patriots know it. So does the rest of the NFL, so that's why they slapped the franchise tag on him.

If he signs the tender, it will earn him 7.79 million freaking dollars. But that's not good enough. He's pissed. He wants a long term contract. He's going to sit out. Not just training camp. Not just preseason. He's going to bake cookies and watch the kids until week 10 of the regular season, according to
"I'm not coming to camp. I'm not showing up until the 10th week [of the season]. I feel unappreciated. The way they're treating me is just wrong."

So now, as average-joe football fan, I am pissed. Pissed that the franny tag even exists in it's current form.

It used to be a nice compromise between players and teams. But not anymore. There is so much money involved in the contracts these days that when a player in his prime signs a one year tender, it presents a tremendous financial risk. If they sustain an injury, the prospects of them receiving good contacts in future years is relatively meager.

But I'm admittedly torn, however. The flip side of this -- you're a freaking millionaire, Asante. Shut up and play the game.

It's time that the NFL revise the franchise tag system. Richie Cunningham, are you listening?

Monday, June 04, 2007

Tank Johnson Responds to NFL Suspension

In the wake of the eight-game suspension handed down today by NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham, the defensive tackle formerly known as Tank Johnson responded with an action surely to indicate his desire to rehabilitate.

In order to distance himself from being associated with guns and ammunitions, he will no longer go by the name Tank, and instead has changed his first name to LoveBug.

"Tanks" he explained, "are big armored vehicles used by the military to kill people and destroy the villages of innocent civilians." While that name helped me establish myself as a bad-ass negroe who destroys the villiages of innocent opponents on gameday, pretty soon you start believing your own shit, and you wind up with a kitchen full of weapons and ammunition sitting on the breakfast table along with your daughter and her bowl of Fruit Loops."

Expounding on his plan, "From this day forward, I want to be known as LoveBug, since my little girl and I split a case of Twinkies and watched that movie when I got home from prison." (Noting that he had to lie on my stomach on the couch, since it still hurts a little when he sits down) "I still plan on being a human wrecking crew on Sundays, but I was looking at that little car, and figured if folks could start associating me with "Herbie" instead of handguns, it would go a long way toward re-making my image. Besides, that Buddy Hackett looks a lot like that guy from the prison laundry that I ass-raped in the shower the night before being released."

Pointing out that similar to Adam Jones, LoveBug had publicly stated to accept the Commissioner Cunninghams punishment without appeal, Mr. Johnson was asked if he stood by his pre-sentencing comments. "Shit yea, I'm sticking to my guns...ummm...planning to stand by my word. Don't you know that I'm not only committed to rehabilitating myself, but have a goal of being named the NFL Man of The Year someday."

Asked if he decided to maintain his surname of Johnson, to avoid a similar Jerry Porter-like law suit over unsold products bearing his name and number, LoveBug just snickered and said, "shit man, after spending 2 months in the big house, ain't nobody buying my jerseys anyhow.", the double-negative adeptly used since inner city youth have been snapping up the #99 Bears jerseys since his conviction. "No" he continued, "I decided to keep the last name of Johnson so I could have something else to change a few months down the road, you know, in case it turns out that I'm still just a enormous prick!"