I can't come up with anything new or creative today, but that's not going to stop me from posting. Since this is a Seahawks site, here's the SportsCenter Top 10 Bird Moments in Sports for your viewing pleasure:
Which is your favorite?
The point of this post is rather simple. A gay men's website called TOWLEROAD (are they sure they don't mean TOWEL ROD?) features a series of ass shots of Seattle Seahawks' newly acquired DE Patrick Kerney. Presumably the pictures are taken last season, when he was still with the Falcons. More pictures after the jump.
But that's not all - this isn't the first time the site has ogled over Kerney. Back in '05, they did the same.
But wait! There's more! The following quotes are actual comments from actual gay TOWEL ROD readers:
There were a lot more (and much more crude) comments, but I think you get the drift.
Now, before you start giving me a load of shit, i.e., "How did you get these pictures, Bloof? How long have you been browsing gay web sites, Bloof? When are you coming out, Bloof?" FUCKING SPARE ME. I can explain. I subscribe to this thing called "Google Alerts", where I receive emails from Google notifying me when their Googlebots find new material with keywords I specify. This was found with the simple phrase "Seattle Seahawks." So there.
Allright, here are the rest of the pics. I gotta go take a shower. I feel dirty.
"Don't get caught doing the Icky Shuffle to the locker room. When it's that time of the month, use the new and improved Steel Curtain panty liner, from Playtex! Remember our motto: Let no ball carrier ever pass through this gap!"
The NFL is like a fine geisha woman. When you see her in her nice white makeup and silk kimono, you think, "I sure would like to dip my chop stick into her sushi," (heheh), but you really do not know what you are getting until you remove the kimono. The geisha may have one nipple pointing East and the other South, or she may have a private part that is like a big nasty baboon. You must see under the kimono to find out.
Hello. I am Ichiro Suzuki. I will be your guide to the very entertaining NFL, removing the offseason kimono from your favorite team, so you may see if you want to enjoy their pleasure or fuck a different one. Today, I undress...
The defending NFL champion Indianapolis Colts
Last season: Finished 12-4; undefeated at home; 4-4 on the road; 3-3 in the division.
Much attention is focused on Peyton Manning, but it is too much. The Colts were finally successful in the playoff last year because the rest of the team got better, and Manning did not have to worry so much.
That Peyton Manning is messed up, he worry to much. He worry about the defense. He worry about the formation. He worry about the audible. He worry about the week six opponent blitz package--in 2011. He worry about what his father think. He worry about Tom Brady's prettier face being on the magazine but never his own. He worry about his huge head making him look like a giant fetus. AND, he worry about big scary clowns.
Manning needs to quit worrying and play football. In big game he show his worry by sitting on a bench and biting towel like his bedroom pillow. There is an old Japanese proverb that says, "Man who bite pillow walk funny in morning. Man who bite scapula wake up happy."
Manning has championship but he still has not left his pillow-biting way. I expect fine regular season effort, but cool-hand Brady will scare shit out of him in January, and once again will spend the next Super Bowl fighting with Eli over TV remote.
My Own Very Strong Prediction: 15-1; loss to Patriots in playoff.
Check back again for more great insight from me, Ichiro Suzuki.
Look out, you friggin' underdressed cretins. Mike Nolan gets to unleash the power of the dark suit this season.
Nolan, with his amazing 11-20 record in two seasons with the 49ers, seeks to project an image of authority and blah blah blah. In response, NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham granted coaches everywhere permission to wear suits and ties on the sidelines during home games.
So how many other coaches are interested in playing dress-up? Just one, Jack Del Rio. Jack is already on record as thinking that gameday attire is an important part of strategy, and I mock him heavily. The rest of the NFL coaches could care less. Why? Because deep down, they are actual fucking football coaches, not insurance salesman.The suit has no special powers, and it gives you no wins. Car salesmen and Jehovah's Witnesses wear them every day.
Belichick, very obviously, could care less about his appearance on gameday. Is there any doubt that his team respects him? Not at all. He runs one of the best operations in the business. But the way he dresses, you get the impression he would wear second-hand sweatpants to his mother's funeral. All he needs is to be comfortable, so he can concentrate completely on kicking your ass with his mind. And he does it thoroughly.
And that's just it. Where are your priorities, Mike? Is it so important in your 11-20 world that you need to look strikingly handsome? If you are well dressed and make it to the Super Bowl, you will be perceived and respected as one of the classiest acts of the league. If you don't even make it to the playoffs, you won't. It's a simple as that.
Why? Because a nice suit is a loser's imitiation of success.
I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.
After being handed a full season suspension, Adam "Pac Man" Jones met with Richie Cunningham at NFL headquarters. The results were nothing short of extraordinary. Out of his giant yellow pie hole came these words today:
"Last week, I asked for an opportunity to meet privately with commissioner Goodell. I met with him earlier today to tell him about the steps I have taken to change my life since being suspended by the NFL. I accept the discipline that's been imposed on me and I am withdrawing my appeal."
Damn, I wish I could have been there. For a supposed badass like Pac Man to turn into a meek little lamb, Richie Cunningham must have lit into him hard, like God did to Moses when he lost the keys to the Tabernacle. I can't even imagine.
I have to give Jones credit, though. He accepted his discipline of a full year suspension, and withdrew his appeal. This might be the first step to turning his life around. I hope he can follow through with it.
"Floyd Mayweather, you're next. I want to fight you. I'd like to take Kobe and LeBron one-on-one. Jeff Gordon, we can take a couple laps. ... Now it's my time to take over the race world."
We can only guess how he is going to handicap them.
Will he insist that Mayweather fight with one hand and hop around on one leg? Will he go one-on-one against a blindfolded Kobe? Will he make LaBron play with Bruce Bowen tied to his back? Will Jeff Gordon be forced to drive an ice cream truck around Talladega?I guess that's how he makes the headlines, being ridiculous. And here I am writing about him--hook, line and sinker.
Because I have an overblown sense of potence, I have elected to pick out some nice little naughty bits from the blogosphere this week that I think just didn't get quite enough spooge. I bring it to you 'cuz I'm sexaay.
Pardon me while I rub & run:
With that pile of baby batter, I leave you with the Money Shot --
Cheerleaders and Band Geeks Get Knocked the F#$% Out!!!
But this bafflingly awful video kills any good karma for the man. Watch it, dammit. Watch it and wish to die.
At first, you think, "this is gay. Lewis must be gay. Gay, gay, gay."
But that's until you see the travesty in the sauna room. Then you want to gouge your eyes out, throw up, and put a shotgun in your mouth. It's not exactly gay, but it's... I dunno... WTF!?!?!
"A guy like DeLamielleure says the things he said about me; you think I'm going to invite him to dinner? No. I'm going to break his ... damn neck."
Nice to see you can resolve problems so amicably, Gene. Ever think of running for office? In Iran?
Case Two: In response to other criticism regarding his lack of attention to retired players, he offered this gem:
"The bottom line is I don't work for them. They don't hire me and they can't fire me. They can complain about me all day long. They can have their opinion. But the active players have the vote. That's who pays my salary."
That's swell, Gene. Thanks for being such a great listener.
Case Three: Mike Ditka criticizes Upshaw. Once again, over the provisions for retired players. He immediately started wielding his schlong:
"It was irresponsible and shows how dumb [Ditka] is. I didn't just come to this rodeo. I've been doing this since 1983. When did he start? Last year? I get upset when people say I turned our back on players. The NFL never turned its back on anybody."
"Look, I was in the Hall of Fame before Mike Ditka got there [in 1988]. (Upshaw was inducted in 1987) He just runs his mouth. He doesn't want to know the facts."
Lets' see here... You're more right becasue you were inducted a year before Ditka... OK, I get it. That makes perfect sense.
Bottom line, the NFL and the NFLPA are too big for horseshit like this. Upshaw needs to go. Every time Upshaw opens his pie hole with headline fodder, he discredits the union and the NFL owners smile.
"I'm not coming to camp. I'm not showing up until the 10th week [of the season]. I feel unappreciated. The way they're treating me is just wrong."