I Didn't Really Retire Either

I'm Baa-aaack.

The blog has a pulse. More on this later. For now, check out the new digs and enjoy this little video:

Prophecy and Blasphemy for the 49ers Game

1: The word of Bloof.
2: Hear this, ye old screaming fans, and give ear, all ye inhabitants of the hawks nest. Hath this been in your seasons, or even in the seasons of your fathers?
3: Tell ye your children of it, and let your children tell their children, and their children another generation.
4: That which Alexander hath left, Morris shall run; and that which LeRoy Hill hath left, Bentley will tackle; and that which the Holmgren hath left, Walrii shall gnash sardines.
5: Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of Bud; for it is not enough to help you forget.
6: For a lameass team is come up upon our stadium, weak, and with injuries, whose teeth are the teeth of an Englishman, and he hath the mouth parts of a great homosexual.
7: He hath laid our Kevin Bentley to waste, and rammed the ball through his pensive assignment: he hath made a driveway, and trodden through it; the tackles thereof have been ankle biters.
8: Lament like a virgin penetrated by the husband of her youth.
9: Be ye ashamed, O ye 12th man; howl, O ye bloggers, for the days of Knox; because the harvest of 2000 draft is perished.
10: The running back is dried up, and the offensive line languisheth; the great left tackle, the leader at center, and hall of fame fullback, even all the touchdown celebrations, are withered: because joy is withered away from the running game.
11: Gird yourselves, and lament, ye fans: howl, ye holders of the 12th man flag; come, lie all night in the parking lot, ye tailgaters of my team: for the meat offering and the drink offering is withholden from the house of Qwest.
12: Sanctify ye a fast, call a solemn assembly, gather the bloggers and all the forum dwellers of the land into the house of the 12th man, and cry aloud unto the field,
13: Alas for the day! for the day of the Seahawks is at hand, and as a destruction from the NFC West champs shall it come.
14: Is not the crimson and gold homosexuals cut off before our eyes, yea, joy and gladness from the house of our team?
15: The scrotum is rotten under their groin, their manhood is laid desolate, the fags are bewildered; for the penis is withered.
16: How do the 49ers groan! the quarterback is perplexed, because he has no clue; yea, the starting left tackle is injured.
17: The remaining left tackle of the field cry also unto thee: for he is a pussy, and he will be facing Tapp and Peterson.
18: Glory be unto our team. That is, of course, unless we have fourth and one.

The REAL problem with Running Up the Score

Let’s face it. Many teams have run up the score. Even our beloved Hawks have been a little guilty of that at times. We’re always hoping that our team will “Hang 50 on ‘em”. The occasional embarrassment of one’s opponent is not something that is solely practiced in New England. The problem is the image that develops from this practice.

New England has long considered itself to be the class of the NFL. Stories of Tom Brady, Tedy Bruschi, Adam Vinatieri, and even turnaround stories like Corey Dillon’s have led the public to believe that this club was the model organization, a standard for which all other teams should strive. We’d hear occasional stories about Richard Seymour stepping on an opponents helmetless face, Rodney Harrison’s dirty hits, and Asante Samuel’s contract issues, and we’d push them aside. The good seemed to far outweigh the bad in Beantown. And that’s why it’s hard for us to accept this “class act” doing something as bush league as rubbing an opponents face in their shortcomings. It’s difficult to see and believe this dastardly act from the NFL’s Finest.

But we should have seen it coming.

In addition to the above issues, just this season the Patriots have drafted Brandon Meriweather, one of the main culprits in the Miami/Florida International brawl last season. Their best safety, Rodney Harrison, served a 4 game suspension for substance abuse. They signed proven malcontent Randy Moss, completely contradicting the “character first” mindset they claim. Their coach was involved in a video camera scandal, then claimed that it was a mistake, merely a different interpretation of the rules. And now, the Patriots are doing everything in their power to humiliate the rest of the league, as if the final scores will somehow vindicate them. They need to be stopped.

The only problem is that no team seems up to the task.

Holmgren to Start Frye in Cleveland

In an effort to jump start his sluggish offense, and send a message to both his recently inconsistent multi-million dollar signal caller, and the opposing sideline, Mike Holmgren is due to announce a new starting QB in this Sunday's contest against the Browns.

Charlie Frye is due to get the start in stadium where he was the opening day starter for Cleveland before being unceremoniously dumped after a pitiful loss to the visiting Steelers. Shortly thereafter, he was picked up by the Seahawks, who were looking for a viable 3rd string quarterback that would allow the multi-talented Seneca Wallace to get more involved in the offensive gameplan.

Now that plan has come full circle.

"Matt's a little dinged up, and frankly, can use a game to sit and watch and hopefully get his timing and rhythm back" said Holmgren after the second day of practice in which the perennial starter Hasselbeck didn't take a single snap. "We know Charlie can play. They know Charlie can play. We want to show them just how big a mistake they made in releasing him."

Wallace will be listed as the backup quarterback, allowing him to see time on the field at various positions, meaning Hasselbeck will be listed as inactive for the first time since coming to Seattle. "Sure it hurts" said the consummate professional, "but while all the fans have been booing Shaun, I know that my miscues and overthrows have derailed this team as much as our ineffective running game, so it is what it is." Besides, anyone who follows football knew that my days as a starter were numbered the day they signed Frye.

Reminded that the Browns and the Seahawks share similar 4-3 records, and the importance of this game to starting the stretch run to the play-offs, Holmgren was grilled by the local Seattle media about making such a risky change at a high profile position at this point in the season. "You should have known things were different when I started calling flea-flickers and WR option passes", explained the suddenly unpredictable coach, "That's just how I roll!"

So while the Seattle faithful will be holding their collective breath on Sunday, it remains to be seen whether it will be Browns fans or Seahawks fans who will exclaim "Thank God It's Frye-day" at the end of the game.

What I Learned From... Getting pummelled by the cheese

OK, OK, I know, this is waaay late. But I'm getting back on the blogging saddle here after moving, a vacation, and a sweet hematoma I picked up from water skiing (registration required). But there are some things about the last game that just need to be said.

First of all, there is the humiliation of the final score - the most points the Packers have scored in a preseason game in 69 years blah blah blah. Keep in mind that abysmal performances are all about context. For example, the thought of being pummeled to death by cheese is a pretty frightening one. But in the context of the above photo, hmmm, not so bad.

What, then of the context of the previous game? The beauty of it all is that it's fucking preseason, folks. Not that any loss with this sort of score is a good thing, but if you're going to lay an egg, do it here. There was more to be learned from this game than possibly any other game this season. It will make the Seahawks better. That's what the preseason is for.

So here is the list:

• How many of you were a bit terrified when you realized that Tom Ashworth was starting at left tackle? All I could think of at that point was, no wonder he is benching Hasselbeck. He's throwing Seneca to the wolves with a steak around his neck. Holmgren knows Ashworth blew it against the Lions last year. This was his chance to see if that was an anomaly, or Ashworth really is a one-position man. Well, lesson learned. Now it appears he is a third-string right tackle, and on the bubble.
• I think the next person that gets a penalty on special teams should get sodomized by a whale.
• Brandon Mebane will be starting by mid-season, if not sooner.
• There are definitely some new wrinkles in the defense, but Grant and Russell may take a while to show why they were signed on.
• Marcus Trufant is playing better since switch back to the other side of the field. You can even see it in his walk.
• David Greene is done. Done, done, done. If you can't throw worth a shit, you can't play quarterback in the NFL. (Insert Mike Vick joke here).

That's all I got. It's preseason for me, too.

Surviving the Off Season with No NFL Network

Hello, there! I used to post here on a regular basis. Alba once called me a blogging diva. And if Alba says it, it must be true. Then, I retired, I guess. Now, like Michael Jordon and Mario Lemiuex, I am back.

Like most of you, I’m going through some serious football withdrawals here. I mean, if I’m actually happy that Team USA beat Brazil in the U20 FIFA World Cup, you know there’s some serious lack of awesomeness in the sports world.

Unlike most of you though, I do not have NFL Network. Nor do I have the means to do so. I’m not quite a college graduate, living at home, with not a lot of money. Basically, I’m like most bloggers out there. I must go without NFL Network for one more off-season. So, I present to you: Alan’s Guide to Surviving Without God’s Gift to Television.

10:30 am- Wake up. High five oneself for getting up before noon. Unemployment has some upsides.

11:00 am- Read sports section and funnies while eating breakfast. Some Bengal gets arrested, possibly in Garfield or NFL Notebook. Can’t remember. I undoubtedly have Wheat Chex: the best flavor of Chex. Do not disagree with this.

Noon: Shower? Might as well.

Noon-thirty: Turn on TV, check channel that NFL Network would be on to see if maybe I’ve done something to appease the pagan gods and I get NFL Network for one day.

Noon-thirty-one: I knew I should have sacrificed that goat.

12:45 Go online…hope for some big breaking story at Seahawk Blue.

12:50 Happy birthday Piratesloth…not quite big breaking news. Continue to poke around Blue, end up leaving post in Sonics forum that makes fun of Clay Bennett. Look longingly at Seahawks forum and remember the days when a Jeremy Stevens joke was gold. As Cream sang, “Those were the days, yes they were, those were the days.”

1:00 Go to Sando’s blog. Not sure whether to trust Frank Hughes. Miss Sando.

1:05 Wonder if Sando will team up with Salisbury to get John Clayton.

1:07 Invent Battle Royal style tournament for all ESPN NFL Analysts. Decide I would totally watch it. Stuart Scott would undoubtedly host. Whose f***ing Now, ESPN?

1:09 Realize I am eight billionth person on Earth to make fun of the “Whose Now” series. Don’t care.

2:00 Attempt to watch Arena Football…bitch to TV that the AFL is still gimmicky like it was five years ago when I honestly thought it could make it big. Wonder how I could be so dumbtarded.

2:15 Slowly and sadly realize that given my desire to go into sports casting, I will probably have to pretend to care about Arena Football for three hours each week at some point. Contemplate becoming a hand model.

2:30 Please, let there be Seahawk news….Damnit.

3:00 Go to store to find something lunch-ish, come across football preview magazines.

3:30 Baffle myself and only buy one college football magazine. Read through Pac-10 predictions at home, say mean things about USC. They win everything.

4:00 Check back to NFL Network…still a black screen.

5:00 Happy hour! Except the house is out of bourbon…and rum. What the hell? The parentals need to get on that.

Till 6:00: Wish I had a breathalyzer to see if I could get closer to legal limit without going over than Tank Johnson.

6:01: Briefly think I could take Tank Johnston in fight. Then realize, he carries 40 guns at him at one time.

7:00 Dinner. Sadly, no NFL News.

7:30 Read some random power rankings. WHAT?!?!? They have the JETS ahead of the Seahawks?!? That guy knows nothing about football...he should be commentating AFL games. Wish I had something unbreakable to throw.

7:35 Go to Blue, find thread about said Power rankings. Put in token “Its only preseason polls/who cares what they say anyway” post. Take holier than thou approach to people who seem genuinely upset about the rankings.

8:00 Thank God its not Thursday, don’t have to watch Grey’s Anatomy.

8:15 Go to KSK, realize its weekend and they have no new material. Reread the Friday Cheerleader post for about twenty minutes.

8:35 Start to get excited for the next Michael Vick off-season adventure.

9:00 Two hours till Adult Swim…two hours till Adult Swim…Watch SportsCenter. There is very little NFL News.

9:35 When the Whose Now subject comes on, succumb to dark side and put betting lines on my Battle Royal. Best bet is Steve Young to be knocked out in the first round. I decide I like Tom Jackson to win it by jacking someone up, and Michael Irvin to get distracted by some cocaine. Jaws will breakdown film afterwards.

10:30 Half hour till Adult Swim! If you haven’t watched Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, then you desire to golf with Osama bin Laden.

10:45 Check once more for NFL News, nothing interests me.

11:00 Adult Swim! Grab beers, watch cartoons.

2:00 a.m.-Adult Swim goes to Anime mode. Weak. Go online, see if Pacman Jones was at a strip club earlier.

2:30 a.m.-No evidence suggests he was, but I have my doubts. The nation’s strippers are safe for another night.

3:00 a.m.-Bed. Pray that planets align in some weird way to bring me NFL Network tomorrow.

4:30 a.m.: Dream about having NFL Network. Greatest dream ever. Wait…is Jennifer Gardner turning on my 100 inch plasma HDTV with her titties? GREATEST. DREAM. EVER.

5:00 a.m.-Wake up right before best part. Audibly curse. Go back to bed, have dreams that are nowhere near as awesome. Like the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl.

5:30 a.m. OK, the Super Bowl Championship was a good dream to, I reason with myself. But, well, NFL Network…gigantic TV…titties…sigh. That dream was awesome.

10:30 a.m. Wake up, mark one day off the calendar till training camp.