The LOLHawks Never Give Up, Never Surrender

Did Brad Johnson Buy His Helmet at a Yard Sale? Or Is He Just Cheap?

Something caught my eye at the end of regulation in the Cards-Cowboys matchup. Brad Johnson takes the field as the holder for the potential game-tying field goal.

You know those little green circle stickers they put on the back of helmets, signifying the radio inside? Check out Johnson's:



Apparently someone though it would be funny to make it look like a yard sale sticker, and write "$1.00" on is with a sharpie.

Nice. Wish I'd thought of that. Brad just sits around like a cheap lamp nowdays, anyway.

This Was Not Just a Loss

This was a realignment.

Last Wednesday, Holmgren lit into the team with what was termed as a 'truth session." In the moment of truth, in five successive games, the Seahawks have shown who they really are.

Now they must find a way to come to terms with being identified with a horrible record. They have lost their swagger, their pride, and their enjoyment. You can't just fake it back. The only thing that gets it back is hard teamwork and faith.

So now, how will the Seahawks respond? How will the fans respond? Neither have been in this position for quite a few years.

But wait, it gets worse: Now Seattle heads to road games in Tampa and San Francisco, followed by Philly at home, then a road trip to Miami.

Not good.

But you have my promise: I will not lose my sense of humor. And I will not give up.

/dick joke?

A Pictorial Essay on the Throbbing Pain of Seahawks Fandom

Note to all my fellow Seahawks fans:

I mask the horrible pain with humor. Please oblige.

Saturday O/T: What really happened when the world's smallest man met the woman with the longest legs

First of all, He Pingping is a cool little dude. Standing at 2'5" he runs his own restaurant and talks like a chipmunk. He's officially been named the world's smallest man.

Svetlana Pankratova, meanwhile, owns the longest legs in the world, which stretch to 4'4".

Together, they made for a strange but entertaining photo opportunity. Check out this clip - but especially watch for Pinping taking a little peek-peek up Svetlana's barren gulag:



That dude kills me. I wonder if they hooked up afterwards? If they did, I hope she tied a broom handle around his ass to keep him from falling in.

In any case, what you don't see here is what he was really looking up at. For that, you had to see it form this difficult-to-obtain view of a innocent, bystanding ground squirrel:



Poor feller. I bet he swears off nuts.

[rathergood]

Ale Musings: The Exposition of Pork Chop

This time of year, there are many little joys in life. The mornings are usually a little crisp, making a well-brewed cup of arabica worth savoring. The leaves are just beginning to turn color. Football is on! It's also the month of our wedding anniversary, which means my odds of receiving fellatio increases significantly.

It's also the time of year I stop drinking mass-market beer; during the summer I drink the occasional Corona after mowing the lawn, or take a nice hot shower while pounding a bud. (And by bud, I mean beer -- not a male companion.)(Asshole.)

Once summer is over, I begin to lean more toward craft beer. Not sure why, but I think it has something to do with the concept that different beers taste better in different seasons. In any case, I have begun my autumn tradition.

Today's musings are under the influence of Boddingtons Pub Ale, 1 pint nitro can.



I'm 3/4 of the way through my second glass. The nitrogen bubbles flow downwards! Neat! What will those crazy Euros think of next?

Womack, Willis and Locklear



Ray Willis has performed admirably in the absence of Sean Locklear. Not only did he block well enough to inspire questions about the depth chart, I find that there is something intrinsically frightening about the man. He's the last person on the squad I would want to meet in a dark alley. Dudes with arms and legs that long just shouldn't be that freaking strong. He reminds me of Wilt Chamberlains' character Bombaata in Conan the Destroyer, pictured above.

The pairing on the right side of the offensive line of Womack and Willis was an interesting one. Both are a little slow footed, but the complement each other well. Willis is a force, pwning anything he can get his mighty oaken arms on. Womack is a giant sandbag with legs, engulfing defensive players with sheer mass.

Together, they are a mighty grappling duo. Apart, I question how well they will function.

My theory is that part of the reason Womack has finally found success at the RG position is that Willis is just slow enough to not create too much space in the gap between them, thus keeping Womack's area in the zone blocking scheme small and manageable.

Which makes me wonder - with the more athletic Locklear returning - and facing the speedy Justin Tuck - will Pork Chop be able to handle the larger gap created by a circuitous edge rush? I have my doubts. I hope I'm wrong.

If I'm right, I may just act like Arnold here:



I'm all out of beer, and my wonderful vibe is waning. God bless.

I Can Now Retire from Blogging

Hello, I would like to introduce you to Georgia, a member of the Seagals. I would also like you to meet her friend, nipple.

Giants Running Back Gets Sooo Wasted and then Sooo Arrested But Escapes Getting Sooo Run Over by a Car

Often-inactive and otherwise statistically-challenged Danny Ware got his slurry on during the bye week, decided to stand in traffic and attempt to form sentences with a female of the opposite sex.

Ware and a 24-year-old Dallas woman attracted a police officer’s attention at about 2:25 a.m. Sunday at East Clayton Street near North Jackson Street because they seemed oblivious to traffic that had to steer around them as they stood in the street talking, according to police.

Ware admitted that he’d been drinking, and a breath test showed he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.152 grams, police said.

Yeah, I know -- who cares, right? Before today, I didn't know the man existed. But you know what? I still don't.

I Heart New York; All You Haters Suck My Game Balls

Before I talk any football, I need to get this out of the way.

Over the weekend, I read via RSS feeds on my crackberry about the ignorant asshat that posted 9/11 jokes as NY Giants smack. I find his attempts at humor abhorrent, putrific, and shameful. Sports are a welcome diversion to all the tragedy in life - but horseshit like this has the capacity to suck all the life and fun right out the experience.

I had some time to think about the issue on the road trip back home yesterday, and one thought kept popping up in my little mind: These deplorable jokes have apparently been posted on numerous low-life web sites for some time. Why there such a widespread outcry now? Why the sudden outcry when the jokes are used on a football site?

There may be some merit to the idea that Seahawks vs. Giants is a topic this week anyway, and something this controversial will automatically get launched to the top.

But that's not the real reason these jokes have taken greater offense.

It's because we expect better from football fans.

It's one thing to hear vile things come out of the mouth of someone you already consider a scumbag. It's quite another thing to hear the same words come out of someone of respect.

To illustrate: If you overhear some socially retarded punk on the street crack a horrifying joke about aborted fetuses, you would likely be offended, but dismissive. If the President of the whole freaking United States of America parlayed that joke at a fund raiser for stem cell research, the whole damn world would be offended beyond measure. Why?

Because we expect better from public authority figures.

The world of sports fans is an amusing one. Insults and epithets abound, but at the core of fandom, there is a largely unspoken brotherly love and respect. One only has to recall the outpouring of support from all circles of NFL fans in the season following 9/11 to realize this basic underlying connection.

We also expect better from the 12th man in general. I know I'm biased, but we have become one of the greatest bunches of sports fans in the planet. We're smart, informed, witty, spirited, humane, and even-tempered. We have a sense of humor about opposing teams, but also about ourselves.

But this? It definitely sullies our reputation. It's truly pathetic, insensitive, amoral, and nauseating. It makes the worlds of amusement and tragedy collide, sucking all the fun out. Bastard.

Whomever you are, of my three loyal readers -- if you've read this far, you were probably pissed off as well.

Please join with me in moving on and forgetting this dipshit. Let's go back to making fun of the gap between Micheal Strahan's teeth.

The Bye Week is Ova

It's ova - get it?

I took some time off last week, but I'm back. Expect more posts.

Torry Holt Does Full Metal Jacket

It's really strange how I feel today. While I'm elated about the win and the subsequent reboot of the Seahawks' season, I actually feel sort of sorry for the Rams. It's a lingering, sick feeling, sort of like I just stole lunch money from orphans.

I think what capped it was this look I saw on Torry Holt's face in the 4th quarter:



It wasn't constipation. It's wasn't exhaustion. It was the look of someone who was once valued and special, spent the last few weeks fighting and fighting, only to lose all faith, hope and purpose.

Maybe Torry Holt just lacks mental toughness. Douchebag.

[If you don't get the Full Metal Jacket reference, check it out here.]

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Let's RAM IT

You know there is no farking way I can have access to an extremely queer and innuendo-laced video of a rival and not post it.

Let's RAM IT!!!




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Mr Goodell, The Middle Finger is None of Your Effing Business

Dear Mr. Goodell,

It has recently come to my attention that you have levied a $7500 fine toward Steelers LB James Farrior for displaying a rude gesture toward Cleveland Browns fans.

As much as I would like to see any member of the Steelers organization and fan base punitively sodomized, I must disagree with your ruling. It is egregious, inconsistent, and un-American. How can you attempt to censor the righteous use of "the bird" when the phrase "fuck you" is as common and tolerable as high-fives and ass slaps?

This gesture is an often appropriate and meaningful rebuke, and has its place in modern life. In the case of Farrior, it was directed to Cleveland fans celebrating an injury to Steeler safety Ryan Clark. His simple communication was a concise retort they no doubt understood as meaning, "You folks are piles of corn shit."

Just to make a point, there are a few of us that would like to let you know what we think of your policy:

Yes, Briney Spears Disapproves. Meh.

Lindsay Lohan says, "Sit and spin Rog!"

Jodi Foster hates you and the fact she locked herself out of the house

Avril Lavigne gives you two bony, nicotine-stained birds

Tommy Lee gets it, and remember he has a huge schlong and did Pamlea Anderson

Justin Timberlake thinks you're an idiot and hates pumping his own gas

Usher, tip o' the cap. Yeaaah riiiight. 

Kim Kardashian - I'm a little unclear, but I think this is an offer

Keith Richards is annoyed by you and the fact that he's made of scrotums

Katie Couric is just so effing cute! She farts rainbows and poops butterflies!

Johnny Cash wants you to stick it in your ring of fire

Christopher Columbus discovered America, and had a concise message for the Indians

Yes, the President of the whole damn United States says, 'fuck you.'

Pat Robertson really has no clue what it'means, except maybe "God is #1!"

I'm pretty sure this is when Judas left the room

Thanks to all my loyal readers - all seven of you

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Shaun Alexander Works Out for the Lions

It's a lie.

Nothing ever works out for the Lions.

[clevelions]

Sando vs. Morgan: It is SO. ON.

I haven't seen cross-blog call-outs like this since, well, NEVAR.

Here's how it went down: Mike Sando of ESPN.com pulls some stats from the last Seahawks-49ers matchup that seems to explain the reason or folly in Mike Nolan's defensive play calling. Why did he keep his defense in the nickel for the whole game? Sando seems to explain.

But sooner than you can say, "I wipe my ding-a-ling with Football Outsiders," John Morgan of Field Gulls provides a stunning stat-laden retort, even using high falootin' terms like "misleading," "specious," and "statistical gerrymandering."

Sando's response? "Thanks much to John Morgan of Field Gulls for engaging my earlier analysis on how the Seattle offense functioned against a 49ers defense that left five defensive backs on the field even when Seattle played with fewer than three receivers... John wondered why I would isolate only first-half plays, suggesting I might have done that to enhance my argument. The reason I didn't look at the second half was because I ran out of time the other night and figured 31 plays would give us a pretty good idea."

He then proceeds to innundate my pea-sized brain with a collection of facts and analysis that not even Peter King could understand.

HA. What next? I bet John Morgan is duct-taping roofing nails to propane tanks as I type. Sando is probably recalling his mental stategies from middle school that made him a level 34 wizard at Dungeons and Dragons.

Dorks. Either way, when nerds fight, we win.

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Five Questions With an Enemy Blogger: Come On Rams

To borrow a page from Charles Haley's playbook

In this week's installment of 5Q, we borrow from the hideous insights of St. Louis Rams Fan Blogger The Watchdog, whose work can be found on PlanetRams and AOL Fanhouse. He's an odd duck in that he seems to prefer the crossfire of rival web sites (SeahawkBlue dwellers know him well) rather than the cushy confines of various Ram Tardbillies HQ. (But then again, who can blame him? My IQ drops 30 points every time I visit a St. Louis fan site.)

On with the show:

1. In both the Seahawks' and Rams' Kingdoms, there is quite a bit of despair and anguish over the land. In the case of the Seahawks, there are some specific, identifiable, and presumably fixable things that gives fans hope they can get back on track. What about the Rams? Are there some clear fixes, or is it time to blow the fugger up and start clean?

[WD] Much like the sub-dermal rumblings of a classic case of Montezuma’s revenge, the inner explosions have already damaged the failing infrastructure, and boy do they stink. The capper on that is the fact that no one really wants to fix it. The only one with any evident urgency is Coach Linehan, and that’s because he’s scared to death he’s going to be back trying to win free jerky at Forrest Gump look-alike contest and rodeos. At this point, confidence is at an all time low. Torry Holt wants out, Alex Barron’s a bust, Pace is over the hill, and Marc Bulger’s battered legs won’t even let him run for his life anymore. Steven Jackson needs to be traded for picks, as well as every other marquee veteran on the team – but only if Chip cleans out the front office and brings in a real football crew first.

2. As a follow up to #1, what strength does St. Louis posses that is something to build on?

[WD] They have great helmets, and oh yeah – we love Josh Brown.

3. If you were the majority owner of the Rams, what would be on your agenda for the next month?

[WD] Well, after the arson investigation finally cleared me of any wrongdoing, I would silently thank Georgia for her inspiration and seriously consider giving up a good-sized chunk of change to lure Marshall Faulk back to the organization as a front office guy, but in the mean time, go and offer Kurt Warner a lifetime supply of Campbell’s chunky to come back and take a beating where he belongs. Then beg Dick Vermiel to come back to the organization and give him full power.

[WD] On the other hand, that is a pretty full month. Maybe I could just go on SNL and do my own Sarah Palin style skit, but instead of her I could use a Linehan look-alike and a gay Bill Belicheck for the kicker.

4. Prediction time, but not what you might think: How much longer will Linehan retain employment with the Rams?

[WD] I think a lot of that depends on this weekend. If the Rams can pull it together and somehow beat the Chickens in their own nasty coop, it may actually be a bad thing. If that happens, Linehan will probably be allowed off the plank temporarily. Though I can’t stand going up to Seattle to see another loss, especially to Matt (Who do I more resemble, Mr. Clean or a walking Ban Roll-on) Hasslebeck, it could be the best way to purge the evil chip-monk and start the wheels turning. I give him until the bye week.

5. A genie grants you one wish, but you must choose one of the following. Which is it?

• The Rams win the next three Super Bowls
• Ten years of free daily fellation
• Free beer for life
• Your own personal Jack Nicholson as a trusty sidekick

[WD] Gonna have to go with Jack on this one, this way I can still go to the Super-bowl PLUS sit that close to the Laker-girls. I don’t like beer, and there is no such thing as free fellatia – too many ways to pay. Plus, he’s just sooo damn cool!

Thanks, Watchdog. You have my pity this Sunday.

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This Week in lolHawks: Martyrdom!

Brian Russell, Please Update Your Resume

There is a well-reasoned, albeit slightly coarse and racist movement to expel FS Brian Russell from the squad. Why? He sucks, dammit.

If you’d like to know why the Seahawks have four Pro Bowl starters on defense but still give up 30+ points to the Bills and 49ers, Brian Russell is your answer.

If you’re wondering how J.T. O’Sullivan can get sacked 8 times, but still throw for 321 yards with a touchdown and no interceptions: Brian Russell.

Did you see that Isaac Bruce, who is something like 47 years old, got 153 yards on only 4 catches? There’s a secret ingredient to that formula, and his name is Brian Russell.

It's true. Russell played extememely conservitavely last season (read: within his ability) and at least didn't allow the deep ball. This season he has regressed, and now allows both plays underneath and over his head.

What is equally baffling, even disturbing, is the willingness of OC John Marshall to put him in cover-1 blitz situations where he needs to cover the entire back 40. Predictably, this results in a play where the targeted corner has zero help and Russell is at least 20 yards away from any meaningful assistance on the play.

Oh, well. Thanks for one serviceable year, Mr. Russell. At least you'll always have this beautiful scrap-book moment:

Koren is Back? Yes, Koren is Back

I case you hadn't heard... pending physical exam, Koren is back.

Criticism of K-Drop is well documented on this site:

• Kirkland Police accused Robinson of being intoxicated when he showed up Wednesday morning to serve a one-day jail term on the DUI conviction. by ADP
• Koren Robinson’s blood-alcohol level measured .191 percent in a pair of breath tests administered by Medina Police in the early morning hours of May 6 by ADP
• The Seahawks have released WR Koren Robinson  by Irish Greg
  
• He's Worse Than I Ever Thought by Me

On Koren's resume':

• Robinson was arrested just after 3:30 a.m. on May 6 after Medina police officer David Obermiller stopped him for excessive speeding and unsafe lane travel eastbound on SR 520. Obermiller, according to a statement from Medina police, smelled alcohol on Robinson's breath and asked him to take a field sobriety test.
  
• Charges dismissed by prosecutors since 1998 include first-degree kidnapping, attempted first-degree sex offense, discharge of a firearm in the city, carrying a concealed weapon, driving while license revoked, no operator's license, operating a vehicle with no insurance and failure to disperse on command.
  
• The most serious of his arrests occurred in April of 1998. According to a North Carolina police report, Robinson was arrested on suspicion of "kidnapping a person under the age of 16 years, by unlawfully confining for the purpose of committing a felony, first-degree sex offense. (The victim) was not released in a safe place." Police charged Robinson with an attempted first-degree sex offense, first-degree kidnapping and discharging a firearm in the city. Charges were dropped because, according to the report, police were "unable to locate the prosecuting witness."
  
• On March 19, 2002, Robinson was pulled over on his 22nd birthday in North Carolina for driving 90 miles per hour in a 60-mph zone. The police report lists his blood alcohol level at .16, but police charged Robinson only with exceeding safe speed. The report lists the verdict as "responsible" and Robinson paid $90 in court costs and a $10 fine.
  
• The most recent case against Robinson in North Carolina came after he was arrested by the Raleigh police on March 14, 2003, for carrying a concealed weapon. That case was dismissed.
  
• On August 1, 2005, Robinson checked himself into a 28-day alcohol rehabilitation program in South Carolina. Afterwards, Robinson was acquired by the Vikings for the 2005 season.
  
• On Tuesday August 16th, 2006 during the 2006 pre-season it was reported that Robinson was again arrested and incarcerated for "driving while impaired". Robinson was released by the Vikings on Saturday August 26, 2006. The Vikings' decision resulted in Robinson and his agent filing a union grievance since thecollective bargaining agreement prohibits teams from releasing players for disciplinary reasons. On January 23, 2007 Robinson reached a deal with prosecutors to be sentenced on a single felony charge of fleeing police after leading officers on a high-speed chase in August, 2006. In exchange for Robinson's Alford plea, prosecutors dismissed seven lesser charges related to drunken driving, reckless driving and driving without a license.
  
• On February 20, 2007 Robinson was sentenced to 90 days in jail for fleeing police in August 2006. He served the sentence at the same time he serves 90 days for violating his probation in a separate drunken-driving case in Kirkland, Wash., last year. Robinson will be on probation for three years and must also must complete 80 hours of community service and pay a $1,500 fine.
  

	Team	G	GS	Rec	Yds	Avg	Lng	TD	20+	40+	1st
2001	Seattle Seahawks	16	13	39	536	13.7	42	1	8	2	25
2002	Seattle Seahawks	16	16	78	1240	15.9	83	5	19	4	58
2003	Seattle Seahawks	15	15	65	896	13.8	38	4	14	0	39
2004	Seattle Seahawks	10	8	31	495	16	33	2	10	0	23
2005	Minnesota Vikings	14	5	22	347	15.8	80	1	5	3	10
2006	Green Bay Packers	4	0	7	89	12.7	24	0	1	0	6
2007	Green Bay Packers	9	1	21	241	11.5	43	1	3	1	11
Total		84	58	263	3844	14.6	83	14	60	10	172

I guess this means we are officially desperate.