Alba's Recipe for Success

This is a repeat of last year's column, updated for the 2007 season, and with a new wrinkled called Alba's Call.

The 32 NFL teams have gone through free agency, the draft, mini-camps, organized team activities, training camps and pre-season, all in preparation for fielding a competitive product and reaching the playoffs.

While all this blood, sweat, and hard work will definitely go a long way toward determining the 2007 playoff field, when you strip away the injuries, incompetent refs, turn-overs and bad weather, getting to the playoffs is really a simple 4-step procedure. Having the coaches and players to accomplish these four steps, as Chris Bermans says ad nauseum, is why they play the games!

The 2006 Seahawks followed this recipe for the most part, and wound up making the playoffs. They went 5-3 in the division, sweepign the Rams, splitting with the Cards but getting swept by the 49ers, which put them one game behind the worst case scenario. They went 3-2 at home against non-divisional opponents, keeping pace with the worst case. They won the ONE game they were SUPPPOSED TO, by barely beating the Lions, and split 2-2, as the worst case predicted, of the four games where they were NOT.

And now, The 2007 Recipe for Success!

Step 1: Take Care of Your Divisional Games - Divisional games comprise roughly one-third of each team's schedule, and a divisional crown equals an automatic play-off berth, so these games are most important. While everyone would like to see a 2005-esque divisional sweep, that doesn't seem probable given the improvements made by the Cards, Rams and 9ers. However, the Seahawks should at least sweep one divisional opponent and split with the other two. Personally, I see them sweeping the 49ers and Rams, and splitting with the Cards.
(Best Case: 6-0, Alba's Call: 5-1, Worst Case: 4-2)

Step 2: Win Your HOME Games - Not only does the team owe it to the fans to play their best football at home, but a consistent winning record on your home field builds a league-wide reputation for your franchise, as well as creates a waiting list for season tickets! Not counting the three home games against divisional opponents, there are five other teams that will be visiting Qwest: The Bucs, Bengals, Saints, Bears and Ravens. Again, the ideal situation is to go 8-0 at home, but at the very least the team should have a winning home record against non-divisional opponents. The Bears and Saints probably will give the Seahawks the most trouble at Qwest, but I can see the 12th man helping with each, especially since they're NFC opponents. I'm predicting a loss to the Bengals in a shoot out, and a late season loss to the Ravens in a meaningless game featuring the backups.
(Best Case: 5-0, Alba's Call: 3-2, Worst Case: 3-2)

Win ALL the games you're SUPPOSED TO... - Like college football, there's usually a few "cup cake" games on the schedule, but as Appalacian State just proved, sometimes the "cup cakes" can bite you in the ass. Looking at the line-up, I see a Hostess Two-Pack, the opener at the Browns and the final game against the Falcons, as the easiest to pencil in the "W" at this point. Teams that drop games to inferior clubs rarely make the playoffs, or make an early exist if they do, so there is no other option than to dominate and win these games.
(Best Case: 2-0, Alba's Call: 2-0, Worst Case: 2-0)

...and a Couple that You're NOT! - It's hard to tell before the season starts, which games the Seahawks will be favored in, and which they'll be underdogs, but given the XL Debacle, we'll probably be getting points at the Steelers, and possibly at the Panthers and Eagles too. Loosing to the Steelers is not an option, and the team needs to prove that it can dominate a Donovan McNabb-lead Eagles team in Philly the same way it did two December's ago. The late season game with the Panther's may not mean much, or perhaps the cross-country travel finally takes its toll, but they should win against Pittsburgh and at least one of the other two.
(Best Case: 3-0, Alba's Call: 2-1, Worst Case: 2-1)

So there you have it. A Zagat-rated recipe for the best holiday dessert, another dominant Seahawks team threatening to go deep into the playoffs and return to the big dance. The best again is the improbably undefeated season. Alba's Call is a respectable 12-4 and possibly home field throughout. Even the worst case of 11-5 possibly brings a first round bye.

Now all the players and coaches have to do is mix the ingredients properly, pre-heat the oven, and for heaven's sake, don't let the batter burn!

Alternate Graphics Considered for this Post

I Yeild to the Chair

Hard As Nails

Hot Cross Buns

Nice Muffins

Linguini With Breasts

Mystery Cake

FINALLY! The Season Begins

Oooohhhh Yeeeassss.... the real games are finally here. Now we can talk some serious Seahawks football.

We here at 12 Seahawks Street would like to welcome you to the beginning of the 2007-08 season, and we know it will be a good one. It's time to break out the foam head, get the jerseys out of the back of the closet, and break out the old gameday chili recipie.

Remember Carmen? She wants to welcome you to the new season. She's ready, too!

What I Learned From... Getting pummelled by the cheese

OK, OK, I know, this is waaay late. But I'm getting back on the blogging saddle here after moving, a vacation, and a sweet hematoma I picked up from water skiing (registration required). But there are some things about the last game that just need to be said.

First of all, there is the humiliation of the final score - the most points the Packers have scored in a preseason game in 69 years blah blah blah. Keep in mind that abysmal performances are all about context. For example, the thought of being pummeled to death by cheese is a pretty frightening one. But in the context of the above photo, hmmm, not so bad.

What, then of the context of the previous game? The beauty of it all is that it's fucking preseason, folks. Not that any loss with this sort of score is a good thing, but if you're going to lay an egg, do it here. There was more to be learned from this game than possibly any other game this season. It will make the Seahawks better. That's what the preseason is for.

So here is the list:

• How many of you were a bit terrified when you realized that Tom Ashworth was starting at left tackle? All I could think of at that point was, no wonder he is benching Hasselbeck. He's throwing Seneca to the wolves with a steak around his neck. Holmgren knows Ashworth blew it against the Lions last year. This was his chance to see if that was an anomaly, or Ashworth really is a one-position man. Well, lesson learned. Now it appears he is a third-string right tackle, and on the bubble.
• I think the next person that gets a penalty on special teams should get sodomized by a whale.
• Brandon Mebane will be starting by mid-season, if not sooner.
• There are definitely some new wrinkles in the defense, but Grant and Russell may take a while to show why they were signed on.
• Marcus Trufant is playing better since switch back to the other side of the field. You can even see it in his walk.
• David Greene is done. Done, done, done. If you can't throw worth a shit, you can't play quarterback in the NFL. (Insert Mike Vick joke here).

That's all I got. It's preseason for me, too.

Friday Circle Jerk, Vol IV

Be not bored, friends. My hiatus is almost over, training camp begins this weekend, and in a couple of weeks we'll actually be able to see the Seahawks on the field against an actual opposing NFL team.

Free Video Hosting

So that is this week's circle jerk. Yes, I am dialing it in (still not done moving), but that is all I'm really looking forward to now.

If you feel this is unsatisafactory, take the blog into your own hands--post some links in the commments to what you felt deserved a little more spooge. I'll grab a sock and meet you there.

GO SEAHAWKS!!!

NFL Players as Transformers Part 3: the Humans

Here's part one and part two.


The humans are to the Transformer movie what a lecture about European trade policies is to a porno. They really shouldn't be there. I did not pay $7.50 (for a matinee! Damn you Regal Theatres!) to watch Sam Witwicky be more awkward at picking up chicks than I am. I paid that good money to watch giant robots fight each other.

That said, Michael Bay decided we needed a human element to the story. Dear Mr. Bay, No we didn't. We needed more robots and more fighting. Why are Godzilla movies classics? Because the only humans are the people running away from the BROC (Big Reptile on Campus). Plus, the movie adds human characters that weren't in the cartoon. Really, Sam Witwicky would have done us just fine.

Well, here's the anticlimactic third installment of NFL Players as Transformers...

Captain William Lennox: First major human character, leads a team of survivors from a Decepticon attack across the desert in search of a telephone. Is probably smarter then he lets on.

NFL Comparison: Kellen Winslow. Leading the Browns is quite similar to looking for a phone in the desert. Plus, he's a f***ing soldier.

Simmons: Not to be confused with Bill, Simmons is an agent in the uber-secret government group called Sector 7. He says he makes a lot of money, is kind of a dick about the whole thing, but after realizing that the Giant Robots could kill him without realizing it, became Mr. Nicey nice. Was convinced by a teenage girl to strip and was subsequently handcuffed to a pole. You need to know these things.

NFL Comparison: Roger Goodell. Alright, I know he isn't a player, but come on. This fits the man to a T. He talks tough, suspending Pacman Jones for a season all because the Tennessee corner has an abnormal obsession with the weather. Then when his prize Shih Tzu (pun very much intended) Michael Vick dogfights, he comes Softy McLimperton when it comes to discipline. He makes a lot of money, and like Simmons, is probably secretly into bondage. Or at least he will be, just as soon as he can find Gene Upshaw's leash.

John Keller: Is the Secretary of Defense. Allows teenage hackers to help the country figure out what Autobots are. Somehow allows one such person to just casually step into one of his meetings, gets trapped in a room with two hackers and an old computer by some Decepticons. Not going to call him inept, but Canada's invasion is forthcoming in the sequel.

NFL Comparison: Joey Harrington. Is also inept, and will be invading Canada in two years...as a member of the Calgary Stampede.

Mikaela Baines: A hottie with a juvenile record, claims she has a bad habit of falling for guys with big muscles, making it a miracle that Bumblebee is still a virgin. She's a bit of a "grease monkey" and made Sam Witwicky grease his monkey on a lot of occasions. Ends up making out with Sam on top of Bumblebee.

NFL Comparison:



Her name is Kristi. No more explanation.

Sam Witwicky: A geek, who somehow lands the hottie at the end, befriends the Autobots, and finds out that when large, evil robots want to kill you, one can run very, very fast.

NFL Comparison: Shaun Alexander. What, you thought the most important person in the film wouldn't be a Seahawk? Witwicky didn't have sex until the world was saved. Well, were guessing he did it anyway. Shaun waited until marriage before doing the same. (Sex, not saving the world) Shaun is also a bit of a geek, what with his teaching kids to play chess and all. Plus, he can run really fast.


There you have it, NFL players in the transformers movies. Now, if you excuse me, I have more time to kill before training camp opens.

A Post of Self Importance

Any long-time readers of 12 Seahawks Street should recognize the image to the left as the Magic Hat, and should infer that this means it's time for the Alba family to go on vacation, which it is.

I leave the blog in the sweaty but capable hands of Heir Bloof, and hope that no real good stories break while I'm away so he has to scramble to come up with content.

Knowing him, he'll just post a bunch of crap next to a picture of some scantily clad vixen, and none of our over-hormoned, under-sexed, NFL-starved readers will really give a shit. Just like you don't give a flying fuck in a rolling donut that I'll be at the beach for a week.

But, as a lovely parting gift, click the link or the Magic Hat above, and relive a truly unbelievable story from last year's trip to the beach, complete with a picture of an well endowed anonymous beach goer who appears to be constipated.

Who Says Golf is Not a F*cking Sport?

While there are those that say that any activity that you can drink beer while playing isn't really a sport, Bruce Burger may beg to differ.

On the 6th hole of a Florida golf course, Mr. Berger learned that when you least expect it, golf can become a contact sport!


Surely not the brightest 50-year-old bulb in the box, Bruce disregarded warning signs and attempted to retreive his golf ball from the edge of a pond, where a one-eyed, eleven foot alligator gave a new meaning to the term "water hazard."

With the alligator firmly attached to his right arm, Mr. Berger beat the crap out of the myopic reptile with a series of frantic left jabs, until the alligator released him, and miraculously avoided major injury.

When asked to comment, Berger said, "if it wasn't for that saggy-titted, bro-wearing Mickelson, I'd be the one that they now call Lefty!"

Hooters Goes Bust

It's a sad, sad day here in upstate New York, as we lose not one, but two American insTITutions.

The Hooters Restaurants in Albany and Syracuse have gone tits-up, and the parent company is swimming like an axe without a handle. Chapter 11 hits like 30 years of gravity, as this once pert and supple franchise is now sagging at waist level.

What is this cuntree cumming to when a man cannot go and enjoy a cold beer and overpriced Buffalo wings served to him by a 20-something buxom beauty in hot pants and a ripped tank top? (although quite frankly I never really understood the whole 'nylons with hot pants' thing!)

The mall will now be filled with overwhelmed and confused husbands and boyfriend who no longer have a place to catch a quick glimpse of the game, along with a long glimpse at some bodacious cleavage, as their wives and girlfriends spend countless hours (and disposable income) shopping for shoes.

It seems to be poetic justice that news of these closings come in pairs.

I guess I'll have to go back to taking long lunches within binocular range of cheer leading practice over at the the high school now!