Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Will You Answer the Bell?

Welcome to the third annual edition of the 12 Seahawks Street Knockout pool.

For the new and uninitiated, these things are sometimes called suicide or survival pools, but I like to use the term knockout, as I gives me justification to post graphics of (sometimes questionably) hot chicks in boxing gloves.

This year I've decided to use one of the free online services to manage the pool (thanks to KSK for the idea) so that I don't have to chase down you miserable people each week to get your pick in.

The idea is to pick ONE winner each week, without the spread, but you can only use a team once. If you win, you advance. If you lose, you're knocked out.

Besides 12 months of bragging rights on the world wide web, I'm going to try to collect some fabulous (read: cheap) prizes to distribute to this year's winner.

To join the 12SS Knockout pool, click the link below:

Jump Into The Pool
(group code: 3928 / password: largent)

Pool Rules

12SS Knockout Pool Home Page

Email The Commissioner

2005 - IrishGreg
2006 - CalFan (first half)
2006 - SquareHead (second half)

Monday, August 27, 2007

Don't Bob 'The Weave'

I feel kinda bad for Leonard Weaver. It must suck to be in Mack Strong's shadow.

The most recent Seahawks player to be called 'Mr. August', Weaver has been a fan favorite the past two seasons, winning hearts with a brutal stiffarm and a penchant for breaking tackles against second and third-string opponents. But recenty, his struggles have been widely publicized, and has drawn enough criticism from Mike Holmgren that his place on the roster is in jeopardy.

Mr. Holmgren, don't make that mistake.

Last September, the Seahawks put Weaver on IR for a high ankle sprain. It was an understandable decision at the time, but frought with risk as Grandaddy Mack continued to cheat Father Time.

To say the least, that was a regrettable decision. As the season progressed, Weaver got healthy, Strong got injured. The end result was the mind-blowing need to make a playoff run with TE Will Heller as a lead blocker and third down turnstile. Marginally serviceable at best, but nowhere near the playmaking ablity of Weaver.

Sure, he's a project. He's making some mistakes. One fumble, a couple of non-blocks, but the dude is a surprising athlete and he works his ass off.

I say don't cut him. Let him learn. Late in the season, when we need him the most, he will be much more of an asset. Especially better than some lanky TE falling over himself to block for Alexander.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

What I Learned From... Removing Holmgren's Boot From My Hindparts

Even though Holmgren has been at this coaching gig for a while, It's good to know that the team still listens to him. It was John Madden that once said ten years was a good limit to a head coaching career in the NFL. After that, the players stop listening to you. (I wonder if that's true with NFL announcing, too? Hint, hint, Mr. Madden.)

It's very clear many of the players responded with greater focus and effort following Holmgren's threats/tirades/epithets from the Green Bay debacle. Not only was the score a little more favorable, but they played much better against the Vikings. But, of course, there still was much to learn:

  • Hooray! Shaun Alexander actually caught a couple of passes. Sure, he was so intent on catching the ball that he cradled his whole body around it and immediately dropped to the ground. But it's a start. Maybe sometime soon he can take the next step and catch the ball on the on the run like he did years ago.

  • Marcus Pollard finally got involved. This guy is going to work.

  • Rocky Bernard had a great game, in the shadow of all the attention given to Brandon Mebane and Marcus Tubbs. He was tossing around interior linemen like pillows.

  • On that note, much like the 2005 season, most of the pressure to the quarterback is coming from the devensive tackles, not from the edge. Which is friggin' awesome.

  • Shaun Locklear is a billion times better at left tackle than Tom Ashworth. Holy Cow.

  • This new, nifty little WR screen we saw several times last night has some potential. Now if only our receivers could work on their blocking (namely, DJ Hackett and Deion Branch) it might work in the regular season. But then again, expect some game planning against it. It may not work as well in a couple of weeks.

  • I could watch Nate Burelson break the ankles of punters all day.

  • Listening to Verne Lundquist give the Seahawks play-by-play is a bit like Lawrence Welk playing AC/DC covers.

  • Josh Wilson is the man on kickoff returns. But he carries the ball a little like Tiki Barber, though, sort of like carrying a baby through a burning building that's about to collapse.

  • Mo Morris broke 2 tackles last night. Time for him to call it a season.

  • I have a whole new respect for Bobby Engram, now that he's really old and still productive. It reminds me of Largent's later years. Just don't let Bobby switch to a single-bar kicker's helmet. That was kind of gay when Steve did that. If I recall correctly, Charlie Joiner did the same thing. Nothing says, "I'm really fucking old. When you take the ball from me, please change my diaper," like a single-bar facemask.

  • Speaking of surprising old farts, Chris Gray got off on Pat Williams on Alexander's 1-yard rushing TD, blowing him four yards into the end zone.

  • Is that right? Did special teams go all night without a penalty?

  • I'm not sure what happened to the defense at the start of the second half. Part of it seemed as though they just came out flat. The other part seems to be that Laury, Koutouvides, and Tapp got out of position routinely.

  • Having said that, mark my words: Will Herring is here to stay.

  • All this talk about Mike Holmgren threatening to cut Leonard Weaver is horseshit, in my opinion. Holmie needs him, with Mack Strong downing so much Geritol. My guess is that he's just trying to motivate. On the other hand, according to the TNT, when asked about Weaver after the game, Holmgren offed that he was going to look at film, and immediately talked about how some of the cuts were going to be tough. Not good.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Stupid Black People Need to STFU!

Please take a minute and re-read that headline. I'm not a racist and I'm not proposing that all blacks are stupid. I'm saying that stupid people come in all colors, shapes, sizes and socio-economic backgrounds, and some of them happen to be black.

And some of these stupid black people, like Stephon Marbury, Jamie Foxx and the head of the Atlanta chapter of the NAACP, want you to believe that in spite of the egregious and stomach-turning allegations that Mike Vick has admitted to, he is really just another person of color who is being unduly chastised and prosecuted by a racist legal and judicial system.

Of course, there's just as many stupid white people that think that Mike Vick is guilty souly because he's black, which fuels this never-ending playing of the race card every time a prominent person of color runs afoul of the law.

The truth is, there's just as many famous white people who have achieved great levels of celebrity, only to do something incredibly stupid and watch all the money, fame and career opportunities dry up and blow away.

Don't believe me? Here's just a quick list compiled by the contributors over at SeahawkBlue:

Marv Albert
Tonya Harding
Pete Rose

Pee Wee Herman
Martha Stewart
Hugh Grant

Richard Nixon
Spiro Agnew
The whole Watergate gang
Gary Hart
Bill Clinton
Jim Bakker
Most every pedophile priest

(I consciously eliminated stupid white people who got in trouble for making racist remarks, like Don Imus, Michael "Kramer" Richards and Jimmy The Greek Snyder, so as not to cloud the issue.)

The point is that when white people in positions of prominence embarrass themselves, they evoke the scorn of the general public for the duration of their episode of stupidity, become the butt of jokes by every late night comedian, and then have the courtesy to fade quickly into the background while we all enjoy issuing our verbal stonings and await the next stupid white person to step up to the plate.

The big difference?

There's no NAAWP standing buy to issue inflammatory statements of support for the stupid white person, and very few, if any, stupid white athletes, comedians and/or entertainers feel the need to use the situation to exhibit their own stupidity by voicing uninformed and ill-advised opinions on the topic.

But the biggest difference of all is that when a stupid white person steps on his own dick, the media doesn't stick a microphone in the face of every available member of the black community to get their reaction to the situation.

As a matter of fact, most gaffes by stupid white people go mostly unnoticed by the black community at large. Kind of like when one rapper guns down another rapper outside a Detroit record studio, hardly any white people take notice either.

No, the "racial" issue with the Vick situation is the same as the OJ issue, the Rodney King issue and every other situation when a stupid black person tries to play the race card to deflect attention from their obvious and unmitigated guilt.

Whenever a prominent black person steps on his own dick, undoubtedly the punishment is meted out by a white police officer, judge, commissioner or NFL team owner, and thus we have an assumed "race issue", and the overplaying of this race card dilutes the support and sympathy that should be given to anyone who is truly the victim of a racial bias or social injustice.

No, the smartest black person throughout this entire ordeal has to be NFL Players Association President Gene Upshaw, who has had the good sense to keep his mouth shut, and let his silence speak volumes about his true feelings.

Man how I wish Roger Goodell was a black man, so that human turds like Mike Vick and Pacman Jones would have no wiggle room at all.

(Funny but True: the image that accompanies this article was returned with the first page of results from a Google Search on stupid black people...really! I would have used this comic, which has an ironic tie in, but the pet owner was not black)

What I Learned From... Getting pummelled by the cheese

OK, OK, I know, this is waaay late. But I'm getting back on the blogging saddle here after moving, a vacation, and a sweet hematoma I picked up from water skiing (registration required). But there are some things about the last game that just need to be said.

First of all, there is the humiliation of the final score - the most points the Packers have scored in a preseason game in 69 years blah blah blah. Keep in mind that abysmal performances are all about context. For example, the thought of being pummeled to death by cheese is a pretty frightening one. But in the context of the above photo, hmmm, not so bad.

What, then of the context of the previous game? The beauty of it all is that it's fucking preseason, folks. Not that any loss with this sort of score is a good thing, but if you're going to lay an egg, do it here. There was more to be learned from this game than possibly any other game this season. It will make the Seahawks better. That's what the preseason is for.

So here is the list:

  • How many of you were a bit terrified when you realized that Tom Ashworth was starting at left tackle? All I could think of at that point was, no wonder he is benching Hasselbeck. He's throwing Seneca to the wolves with a steak around his neck. Holmgren knows Ashworth blew it against the Lions last year. This was his chance to see if that was an anomaly, or Ashworth really is a one-position man. Well, lesson learned. Now it appears he is a third-string right tackle, and on the bubble.
  • I think the next person that gets a penalty on special teams should get sodomized by a whale.
  • Brandon Mebane will be starting by mid-season, if not sooner.
  • There are definitely some new wrinkles in the defense, but Grant and Russell may take a while to show why they were signed on.
  • Marcus Trufant is playing better since switch back to the other side of the field. You can even see it in his walk.
  • David Greene is done. Done, done, done. If you can't throw worth a shit, you can't play quarterback in the NFL. (Insert Mike Vick joke here).

That's all I got. It's preseason for me, too.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I Can Haz New Contract?

According to Adam Schefter (with a hat tip to PFT) The Seahawks have offered a 3-year contract extension to Seneca Wallace.

Special thanks to lolhawks enthusiast and frequent SeahawkBlue contributor, J.L. White, for this picture and caption.

Adam Schefter of NFL Network reports that the Seattle Seahawks have signed backup quarterback Seneca Wallace to a three-year, $5.4 million contract.

The contract increases his 2007 salary from $800,000 to $2 million. Also, Wallace is due to receive a $400,000 roster bonus in March. If the team chooses not to pay it, Wallace will be an unrestricted free agent.

PFT goes on to say they disagree with this move, since they think Seneca left a lot of money on the table.

Personally, I believe this is only the first shoe to fall from Seahawks headquarters. I'm guessing that 3rd stringer David Greene will be released after his dismal performance on Saturday, and that the Seahawks will soon be announcing the acquisition of a veteran QB from some other team, freeing up Mr. Wallace to use his mad skillz elsewhere on the playing surface, either as a slash-type QB/WR, or returning punts and kicks.

Whatever the case, the Seahawk faithful can now breathe a collective sign of relief, knowing how well Seneca filled in while Matt Hasselbeck was rehabbing last season.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Mike Vick is Dead, Long Live Ron Mexico!

With his guilty plea today, Mike Vick's income earnining potential is as dead as those underperforming pit bulls buried in his backyard.

But with the prospect of owing as much as $28 million back to the Falcons, and another $250-large to the government, he's got to find something more lucrative than night-manager at Denny's once he's released from jail.

Enter: Ron Mexico, Porn Star!

The best way for Mike Vick to start earning some scratch as a rehabilitated member of society might be the adult film industry. Here, his conviction and jail time will be seen as resume material, and after 1-3 years inside, he'll be primed and experienced for both straight and gay porn.

And that nasty case of the clap is as common in skin flix as a runny nose is in daycare, so he won't even have to blow part of his paycheck on Valtrex.

He already has a cool porn star name, so he might as well use it. The possiblities for film titles are limitless:

"Doing It Doggy Style"

"Boned By My Bad Newz Boyz"

"My Bitches Really Bark"

"From Tossing the Rock to Tossing Your Salad"

Use the comments to provide your own snappy titles for the Ron Mexico Film Anthology.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Teach Me!

Here's a little something to amuse you while we're all waiting for the news on the other degenerate gambler who is embarrassing his sports league.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

New Look for

At first glance, I love the new softer colors and ease of readabilty of the new site, not to mention the fact that the first time I loaded the new home page, the feature image was of Seahawk Ben Obamanu making a spectacular one-handed catch! (although he got ripped off in the underlying Top 10 highlight reel, placing 2nd to some RedSlur making a tackle sans helmet)

So now, let's start with a top to bottom physical of the new features and design. (click the image to open in a new window)

I like the real estate saving listing of the team logos at the top of the site, and notice they're in alphabetical rather than divisional order.

Not sure what the huge wasted white space is just below it, but there sure seems to be something missing to the left of the Free Fantasy Football graphic. My guess is that it will be used for sponsored advertising, which is sad, since it's putting the almighty dollar in a higher position of prominance than the NFL Sheild.

I love the green bar listing the upcoming games, with start date/time and what I'm guessing will be live scoring updates, but was astonished that they only list 14 boxes across. Last I checked there were 32 teams in the league, and even though there's a few bye-weeks on the schedule, there's certainly enough space to fit all 16 boxes on the masthead instead of forcing the visitor to scroll to the right to see the later games.

The use of tabs is effective and not over-done, allowing the visitor to easily toggle between the current Headlines and the My Team page, as well as toggle between the NFL Network and Game Clips video segments.

The My Team area requests your username and password, but it does not include the customary links to a Forgot Password page. I tried to log in unsucessfully several times, and it wasn't until about the 5th attempt that it bounced me over to a Login Help page.

Going Below the Fold

Below the Fold is a newspaper term indicating the lesser stories that are placed on the bottom half of the front page, getting somewhat less exposure. In web terms, this refers to the content that is not immediately viewable when the home page loads, requiring the visitor to scroll down.

There is a lot of additional information available on below the fold, none of which is deserving of a higher profile.

There is another application of a tabbed box, again which is effective, allowing the user to select between the standard Fantasy, Spotlight and Voices features of the site.

Even the necessary boxes for NFL Shop and NFL Field Pass are done tastefully and blend in well with the rest of the site, rather than appearing like some used car lot commercial on late night local TV.

The NFL Network box contains an animated graphic, which I generally dispise, but the use of muted colors and the relative importance of the information displayed makes it tolerable.

The Poll Question box seems way too big in reference to the rest of the site, but that's probably governed by the Sirius sponsorship than anything else. The rest of the site features, By The Numbers, This Day In The NFL, Photos and Around The League, are pretty much web fodder, appropriate earning them the lowest spot on the home page.

But that's not all.

At the bottom of the site is a tremendous list of categorized text-based links to NFL Sites, NFL International, NFL Network, NFL Events, NFL Corporate and NFL On the Go. The best of these might be the real live Contact Us link under NFL Corporate, which allows the fan to provide immediate feedback to the League via a web form.

The Subject categories within this area need to be expanded to include areas like NFL Network, Broadcast Network Partners, Officiating, etc., but it's great to have a means to drop Richie Cunningham a quick note to let him know what you think.

I submitted a message regarding NFL Network, and was surprised that I didn't receive a confirmation email. Usually these types of feedback systems have an automated reply telling you your message has been received and thanking you for the input, but adding that personal responses to inquiries cannot be guaranteed.

All in all I think it's a great face lift for a design that was getting a little long in the tooth. Now I'm hoping upon hope that follows suit.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Post Game LOLHawks

I'm mailing it in today, thanks to reader "Mike", who seems to be as hooked on these things as I am. Click the images for full sized views.

Keep up the good work Mike, and if anyone else would like to submit LOLHawks, just use the site feedback address.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Five Seahawks to Watch on Sunday

Preseason football is like a blind date. Sure, you're finally going out on Sunday night, but you never really know what you're going out with!

What we do know is that the starters, Hasselbeck, Alexander and the like, will be in the game barely long enough to work up a sweat. What we also know is that most of the media focus will be on the rookies, like Wilson, Mebane and Atkins, and newly acquired free agents, like Kerney, Pollard, Russell and Grant.

So how do you keep yourself interested in the game after the stars are on the bench in baseball caps?

Here are five returning Seahawks players to watch, whose performance may be critical to the success of the team in 2008:

Chris Spencer (65) - granted he's a starter, but he'll probably play a good portion of the game, to get as much game-speed activity as possible and to work on the Center-QB exchange with Seneca. He got a lot of experience last season, but now that he's taking over for Robbie Tobeck and calling out the blocking assignments, his performance will be a determining factor in the effectiveness of our offense.

Leonard Weaver (43) - with Shaun and Mack sure to be out of the game early, Weaver should see a lot of time at fullback and even some tailback. Will he still be as explosive after the ankle injury that landed him on IR last season, and will he be once again baptising people with that incredible stiff-arm?

Will Heller (85) - Marcus Pollard is four inches shorter and 6 years older than former staring TE Jerramy Stevens, which means that Will Heller will probably see more playing time this coming season. Is Heller more like Itula Mili, the starting TE before Stevens, or more like former TE Ryan Hannam, mostly a blocker who was rarely a target in the offensive game plan? The WCO needs an effective TE who can both block and make critical catches when called upon, and we'll need more than one option with Pollard as the starter.

EDIT: just read that neither Will Heller nor 3rd stringer TE Bennie Joppru are making the trip to San Diego, so I guess I'll be watching rookie Joe Newton (46) and third year man Leonard Stephens (89) instead. (Not sure if Leo's surname will help or hurt him, even if it is spelled a little differently!)

David Greene (11) - All Seahawks fans now feel more comfortable with Seneca Wallace after last season, but this is the make or break year for Greene, entering his third season as the head clipboard holder. If he can impress Holms enough to potentially be slotted as Matt's backup, that can free up Seneca to be used in more creative ways, either returning kicks and/or punts, or as a "slash" type of receiver.

Michael Boulware (28) - Only two short seasons ago, Boulware was featured in a Disney commercial leading up to the Super Bowl. Now with the departure of Hamlin and the arrival of Grant and Russell, his future with the Seahawks may be in jeopardy. Can he keep his head in the game as a backup, and play assignment-correct when called upon? If not, he could be a surprise cut when rosters spots become a premium.

Lastly, since this is also pre-season for us fans, here's a little roster cheat sheet so you don't yell "way to go Jerramy" when you see a TE named Stephens on the field, or "drop back Hammer" when you see #26 lining up at cornerback.

26 - CB Josh Wilson (used to be Ken Hamlin, who is now a Cowboy)
39 - SS C.J. Wallace (used to be Josh Scobey, who is now a Bill)
69 - OG Steve Vallos (used to be Joe Tafoya, who is now a Cardinal)
82 - WR Jordan Kent (used to be Darrell Jackson, who is now a 49er)
86 - WR Courtney Taylor (used to be Jerramy Stevens, who is now a Buc)
88 - TE Marcus Pollars (used to be Itula Mili, who is now retired)
98 - DT Marcus Green (used to be Grant Wistrom, who is now retired)

Friday, August 10, 2007

Merriman Pledges to be Less Gay

I guess when your surname is pronounced "merry man" you can't really blame a dude for dancing like a queer, unless of course he's trying to simultaneously pass himself off as a bad-ass.

With a hat tip to BoltHype and the Chargers web site, DROY-theiving and steriod abusing Shawne Merriman has decided to give up the interpretive dance routine of the masterbatory orgasmic experience, aka, the Lights Out Sack Dance:

"You know, when I decided to get a tatoo of a light switch on my forearm, I was so messed up I didn't know what I was doing. Then this gay dude that I met in an interior design course suggested I try to work it into my on-field football persona. We drew a nice bubble bath in my two-person jacuzzi and I swear we went through six glasses of white wine spritzers (each!) when Raule got the great idea of blowing out the scented candles and letting our creativity (as well as our hands) roam free in the dark. And that's how we came up with the Lights Out Sack Dance. I'm going to miss it as much as I miss that way Raule used to towel me down after a good steam."

Naw, I'm just fucking with you. He's really giving up the Lights Out Sack Dance, but I just made up that quote. If you really want to know why, click the Chargers link.

I, for one, am going to be VERY happy not to ever see that epilectic convulsion every time his anabolic bloodstream induces his oversized frame to fall on a quarterback, especially if it has the occasion to happen this Sunday when his San Diego Chargers play against my Seattle Seahawks.

And before any Lightweight Bolt fans decides to defend that sack dance as un-gay, I recommend you view this little video clip from YouTube (again, with a Hat Tip to BoltHype)

Thursday, August 09, 2007

The Crying Game

God I love this time of the football season!

It's like the first time you reach up to start unbuttoning the shirt of your high school sweetheart, and she doesn't grab your hand and pull it away!

Am I really that suave, or is she just easy? Are we gonna have sex, or will I just get shut down sliding into third? Who cares, I've got bare tit and I'm loving it!

That's how I feel as preseason games are upon us and network media pundits are publishing their reviews from NFL training camps. And it does matter if you follow the Raiders or the Colts, every fan of every team is at near orgasmic levels of optimism in August.

And to read the reports, every one of the 32 NFL franchises is resembling a nymphomaniac Beyonce look-a-like, with a well stock fridge and liquor cabinet, who medaled in gymnastics and has a Masters degree in the Kama Sutra.

That's why I find myself trying to take in all this information with a golf ball sized grain of salt. If today's report from camp is that our DBs are picking off passes left and right, does this mean our defense has improved, or is our offense sputtering? If the reports are that the running backs are gashing through huge holes for long gains, does this mean the offensive line has finally come together, or that our defense tackles are getting pushed around like grocery carts?

Who the fuck cares? As any hormone enraged teenager or liquored up bar closer will tell you, it doesn't really matter if she's a 10 or a 2, the prospect of getting laid is exciting!

But the truth of the matter is that once the regular season begins, at least half of the the fans with an Eddie Murphy-like feeling of nausia, as they reach down and discover that their dream girl has mysteriously similar plumbing to thyne own!

The beauty of the NFL is, with its parity and frequent injuries, that nobody really knows which teams will turn out to be Jaye Davidson.

All fans just hope and pray that it's not their own!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Monday, August 06, 2007

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Who Loves The Seahawks More Than Captain Caveman?

The title probably should end with the word "Does", since I'm sure most visitors love the team more than they love Captain Caveman, but it was already too fucking long. However, in this piece he did for Deadspin, one time Streeter Matt Ufford professes his true feelings and devotion to our favorite NFL franchise.

(and I'm just mailing it in!)

Wednesday, August 01, 2007


With a hat tip to icanhazcheezeburger and loljocks, welcome to the first edition of Seahawks-themed lol graphics.

I find myself inexplicably facinated with these things, and was lucky enough to have one of my submissions posted by Grimey last month. Rather than continue to innundate him with graphics that I find tremendously funny, but that may not work for the larger and broader scope of his audience, I've decided to concentrate on Seahawks-themed items and post them here.

Not original idea, but then again, what else on the internet is?

Feel free to add your own captions in the Comments section.

Hope you like!