Steeler fans...so very, very classy

I watched the AFC Title game with some Steeler fans. I'm not sure how my tongue survived, me biting it for the whole game and all, but I just thought I'd pass along some of my favorite quotes.

"That's the sort of the thing that Ravens and Seahawk fans bitch about!" Not sure what the call was on the field, but Baltimore was lobbying for something. I had not said anything about Super Bowl XL...and didn't plan to. Which made it priceless when about 5 plays later...

"That's a terrible call!" Haha, so its OK when YOU bitch. Got it.

While Santonio Holmes' no catch is being reviewed: "That's a touchdown...there's no way that's not!" Except for the part where the ball popped out when he hit the ground, signifying no possession. That damned possession rule. This play was referenced throughout the ballgame, and always as a way of how the referees were out to get Pittsburgh.

After the play is overturned: "That's bullshit!" ect.

Before Baltimore gets on the board, Pittsburgh's Washington gets called for PI. The responses to this were hilarious because 1) again with the whole hypocracy about complaining about officiating and 2) there was more contact on that then there ever was with Derrel Jackson in the endzone in Super Bowl XL. How I managed to not laugh was amazing.

"They always screw us over." O RLY?

Baltimore gets called for phantom roughing the kicker.

"THUGS! They're all thugs and should be in jail!" After they see the replay they quiet down. The bad call is later referred to as "an opportunity" because Steeler fans know what precious gifts horrible, horrible penalties are.

Repeated through game, anytime Flacco had more than 2 seconds to throw the ball "HOLDING!!!" Occasionally a Terrible Towel was thrown at the TV. How DARE the Ravens pick up a blitz?!?!? Surely they are using some illegal method to accomplish this.

It was all fairly tongue in cheek until Willis McGahee was injured in a brutal collision. Most fans would, I don't know, be respectful towards an injured player. Not this bunch.

"What a loser, stop whining." said when camera shows Ray Lewis, obviously praying for his teammate.

"This is taking way to long." Because medical personnel really want to rush a guy who may have brain or spinal damage off the field...RUB SOME DIRT ON IT!

"That's what they get for taking out Hines." Um..at least one other party goer told this individual to show some respect, but really?

Does this represent all Steeler fans? Probably not. Every fan base has their douchenozzles. But between the hypocrisy and the absolute lack of class for a seriously injured player this was a weird experience. They somehow made Pats fans seem tolerable.

The Super Bowl Match-Up That Wasn't

The year was 2005.

The 13-3 Seattle Seahawks had the best record in the NFC by two full games, and was an odds-on favorite to ride their home field advantage all the way to Super Bowl XL.

In the AFC, the playoff seeding was much tighter.

The 14-2 Colts earned home field by just a game over the 13-3 Broncos, however, each team's strength was the other team's weakness, so a SB berth was no gimme. The Wild Card teams, the 12-4 Jaguars and the 11-5 Steelers, each had as-good or better records than the other two division winners, the 11-5 Bengals and the 10-6 Patriots.

At the end of the regular season, many of the pundits were picking the Cincinnati Bengals to represent that AFC in SB XL, in a classic showdown of two of the league's most high-powered offenses. After the second play of Wild Card weekend, when the questionable low hit on Carson Palmer started the Cinderella Steeler's pumpkin-coach ride to Ford Field, any Super Bowl dreams for the Bengals were as hopeless and tattered as their quarterback's anterior cruciate ligament.

Fast forward two years.

The Seahawks no longer have as dominant an offensive line, a slate of new stars at receiver, but arguably a better defense. (last week's game notwithstanding). The offense for the Bengals is pretty much the same, having only lost the services of Chris Henry to Judge Judy, with most of the other suspended, incarcerated or otherwise former-Bengals represented on the defensive side of the ball.

But while the make up of the teams may be somewhat different, there's still a feeling of "what might have been" surrounding this game, if only to a few of us struggling for new content for our blog site.

What if Carson Palmer played the whole game against Pittsburgh?

Would it be he who was faced with the game saving tackle the following week in Indy? Or would the Bengals have ridden the emotional home win through Indy and Denver, and gotten to Detroit as so many had predicted?

If only it was Bill Levy whose knee got shredded and not Carson Palmer's, perhaps the memories of the 2005 would not be so bitter-sweet for most Seahawks fans.

Another Reason to Root Against the Steelers

It's not like Seahawks fans need extra justification to hate on the team who stole our lombardi trophy in front of millions of viewers, but there happens to be 11 people in the 12 Seahawks Street Knockout Pool who picked the Steelers to win in Week #1, making it the game that most people picked.

So while seeing the Steelers lose always brings a smile to my face, knowing it would dump nearly a quarter of the competitors out of the contest makes that much sweeter. Besides, for some geographically incongruent reason, the plurality of coaches and team parents in my son's Pop Warner league happen to be Steeler fans, which makes me hate the team a little more. (and causes me to wear my Seahawks gear proudly to all practices and games!)

Not surprising in a Seahawks-site-sponsored pool, there were also eleven of us "homers" who expect to make it safely to Week #2 with a home field drubbing of the Bucs.

The next most picked team is the Lions over the Raiders, where 6 contestents are hoping that the 1 guy who picked Oakland is wrong. Either way, someone is getting busted out in that game. (hey, what happens with these things if the game ends in a tie?)

Here's the breakdown of the rest of the picks for rooting purposes:

Minnesota (4)
New England (3)
Denver (3)
Kansas City (2)

and one each for Buffalo, Jacksonville, San Francisco, San Diego, Dallas and Houston.

Early congrats to Watchdog and TheBritishAreComing for correctly picking the Colts over the Saints.

By the way, the picture above comes from loljocks and I strongly recommend you click that link and check out the hysterical pix that accompany his picks.

Enjoy the game everyone, except of course, the twelve suckahs who picked the Steelers.

Who is the Turd in the Seahawks Punchbowl?

Gone are perennial fuck-ups like Koren Robinson and Jerramy Stevens, and we know that Tim Ruskell has been hell-bent on drafting and signing choirboys with high moral fiber.

However, even if you go over the resumes of all the Saints in the Catholic church, you're bound to find that some are not as holy as others. So there must be at least two or three guys in the locker room who are doing some shit that they shouldn't be doing.

Probably not dog fighting or hopefully not other inexcusable acts like taking steroids, hot-tubbing with teen-agers or voting Republican. But mark my words, if somebody is doing something they shouldn't be, then Sheriff Richie Cunningham and his posse of Ralph and Potsie are bound to catch up with them.

So who is the turd currently floating in the Seahawk punchbowl?

The most recent Seahawks to make some news for off-field issues are Patrick Kerney, who apparently lives upstairs in a frat house, and Shaun Alexander, who obviously doesn't not watch HGTV. This pales in comparison to punching out a division rival in a casino or running an off-season prostitution ring, so our boys need to try harder.

Big Walt is from Louisiana, and we know how those Southern boys like their illegal animal fighting, so maybe he's involved in cock-fighting or secretly backing the boxing career of Tonya Harding?

Julian Peterson, a handsome black man who is always neatly groomed in impeccably dressed, used to play in San Franciso. Perhaps his pregame ritual consists of listening to show tunes and the Best of Barbara Streisand on his iPOD? (not that there's anything wrong with it!)

Could Matt Hasselbeck have such an uncontrollable gambling habit that he'd bet on everything from how the number of carrots in a can of Chunky Vegetable Soup to how many seasons of sucking it will take before the Cardinals fire Ken Wisenhunt?

It used to be that the Seahawks were generally ignored by the NFL media due to their history of mediocrity, but that all changed with three straight division crowns and their trip to Super Bowl XL. Now it seems they're being snubbed in the police blotter section, with all the attention on the Bengals, Steelers and Falcons.

And even though it makes me very happy that no member of my favorite team is flying to New York for a personal sit-down with The Fuhrer, as a Seahawk fan, I feel compelled to whine about it anyway!

Just Pay Off the Officials, Jim!

As much as it pains me to have Jerome "Lombardi Stealing" Bettis on this site, I think the NFL and PGA missed a golden opportunity to come clean about Super Bowl XL and make what would have been a lock for an Emmy winning commercial.

All they needed to do was to end this over-done "you're skinny and I'm fat" bit with one honest throw away line, and this would become a 30-second instant classic.

I wish Bettis had turned to Furyk in the end and just said, "Aww fuck it Jim, don't worry about what you eat, just make sure the final match is scheduled in your hometown, then pay off an official or two like I did!"


Special Thanks to You Been Blinded where I found this clip.

Reality TV Has More Integrity than the NFL

Q: What's missing from this picture of Bill Cowher?

A: A trophy!

Bill "I'm not related to Colin" Cowher found out that it's much more difficult to bring home the iron when you haven't paid off the head official or share a hometown with a member of his crew.

Faced with a level playing field and equipped only with his talents and abilities, Kordell Stewart's soul-mate finished the ABC-Gillette thinly veiled infomercial known as Fast Cars & Superstars: Gillette Young Guns Celebrity Race, where he should have finished in the 2005 playoffs - dead last.

When asked to comment about his pitiful performance, the former coach of the Stealers said, "I drove today a lot like Ben Roethlisberger played in Super Bowl XL, which is to say like total crap. I guess I took winning for granted when your owner is a beloved icon of the good-old-boy network, and you have two or three refs in your back pocket. I thought I understood what the NFL did for us a couple of years ago, but after learning how hard it is to compete when a contest is judged fairly, I really appreciate it."

Of course, this would be a feel good story for most fans of the Seahawks, if my journalistic integrity didn't bind me to full disclosure on this made-for-TV racing event, forcing me to acknowledge that the winner's trophy was claimed by another notoriously hated individual throughout Seahawk Nation.

But as much as it pains me to admit it, at least when the Elway-lead Broncos were kicking our asses up and down the AFC West, they were doing it fairly and squarely, and not with assistance from any zebra-striped performance enhancing substances!

Dolphin & Chief Fans Need Not Respond

It appears that the Trent Green [yawn] to the Dolphins trade has finally been made, according to the NFL Network crawl and this piece on ESPN.com, which means that Dante Culpepper will soon hit the open market.

That means that the fan boards and blogs of at least 29 other teams will soon have a topic titled "What about Dante Culpepper?". (30 if you think Viking fans are stupid enough to want him back.)

Some fans may think that Dante is just the short-term stop-gap they need as the starting QB while they develop their raw young talent. Come on Raider, Bronco and Brown fans, you know you're thinking about it.

Other teams may think he'd be a good insurance policy, should their starter get injured, or just continue to suck for another season. I'm mainly talking to you Bears fan, but the entire NFC East may just knock the shit out of each other trying to sign this guy before the other one does!

Then there are those teams who just don't have a QB, where even a broken down and overrated Culpepper would be seen as an immediate upgrade. I'm not just talking to you, Bills fan, I'm including your buddy in the back row wearing the Cheesehead too.

Even teams with established starting QB and viable clipboard holders already on the roster will feel the need to discuss adding Captain Stuebing to their roster, even at the risk of creating a QB controversy and effecting team chemistry. This would include Jaguar fan, Steeler fan and yes, even my own beloved Seahawk bretheren.

So step up and make your best case as to why you would (or wouldn't) want your team to take a flyer on Daunte Culpepper, or at least provide the screen name and web address of the first clown to suggest this move on your favorite fan forum.

All I know is, Surry County, Virginia prosecutor Gerald Poindexter just got a brand new deputy to lead the fight and do whatever it takes to get a dog fighting conviction against Michael Vick!

Secret Special Letter From The Desk of NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham

299 Carroll St # A
Brooklyn, NY 11231


Pittsburgh Steelers
% Offensive Line Coach Larry Zierlein
100 Art Rooney Ave
Pittsburgh, PA 15212


Dear Larry,

It has recently come to my attention that you have publicly apologized for e-mailing a video showing a mommy and a daddy sharing a special kind of hug.

While I think it is very cool that you are a standup guy and you may be embarassed or uncomfortable about accidentally sharing these special private moments with all the other guys, I am here to tell you that it's A-OK, buck-o. What you're experiencing is just a natural, healthy exploration of your special private parts, and the funny feeling you get when you sleep on your stomach or cllimb a gym rope -- that's all part of growing up.

You see, I understand. When I first started to get these feelings, it was when Joannie and I were drying off after taking a bath. She dried me off first, and I got that funny feeling. Then she sat on my lap while I dried off her back. You know that part of you down there that gets all hard like it has a bone in it? It 'accidentally' went into her pooper. I just kept drying and drying and drying and drying, but then we had to stop for dinner.

Things were really strange after that. It was all I could think about. I got huge callouses on my hands from the gym rope, and we got really good at drying each other off. That is, until she met Chachi, then we didn't do it anymore.

That is when I met Lori Beth. With her, I learned so many new and special things. I had no idea that a surpressed gag reflex, getting things shoved up your pooper, asphyxiation, whippings, felching, rodents, paper towel tubes, surgical tubing, body paint, clothespins, coat hangars, handlebar grips, crochet hooks, brillo pads, feather dusters, 9 volt batteries, broken chair legs, fishbowls, corkscrews, and all those other things could be so harrowingly fun. I'll never forget the time I woke up to her pissing on me. Fonzy laughed, tackled her, and the next hour or so was a blur of flesh, leather, body waste, and dapper dan.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't worry, buck-o. This is all natural, normal stuff. Feel free to send me more. Really. Anything you got. Lori Beth has one request, though -- she was wondering if you had anything interracial or in public places.

Have a great season. Tell Art he still owes me money for XL.


Sincerely,

Richie Cunningham
NFL Commissioner


P.S. Go Giants!