Sunday, December 28, 2008

Wear It

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Holmgren attempts to get back

For a little background go here.

Now's how that went down.

[Ghost of TV Present] 

TV voice: And what an amazing play by Brett Favre! IT is simply incredible what he's doing! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE WILL BG HIM NOT TO RETIRE IN THE OFFSEASON!

Mike Holmgren:

Inside his head:

Mike Holmgren: Sigh.....I'm going to miss this.

/does Rocky-esque montage of visiting Seattle sights including the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and every Dick's Burgers franchise twice.

/sees young boy aspiring to be a head coach yelling at his friends

Mike Holmgren: I have to do it. I can't let this be my last season.

(looks at watch)

It's 6:05...I have just enough time to catch the 6:07 bus to get home and tell my wife.

/Lingers awhile looking at broken branch on the ground. Laughs slightly at irony. Hears bus drive away.

MH: Jimminy Christmas!

/walks home, though it takses long due to not being a montage.

The next day...Seahawks Headquarters...

MH: Tim! Tim! Tim!

Tim Ruskell: No, Mike, I will not keep a Gatorade cooler full of bisque on the sideline for your personal use, stop asking.

MH: No, no. That's not it at all!

TR: Really?

MH: Well, it'd still be neat, but no. I've made a decision about my leaving.

TR: (grabbing champagne bottle) THAT'S GREAT!!

MH: yeah, I thought about where this team is headed and my legacy...

TR: (humming Celebration)

MH: And I...I...

TR: (under breath) We're excited for Jim to take over early and start putting his stamp on this franchise...

MH: I want to come back next year.

TR: (drops bottle, jaw)

MH: We have some unfinished business! Let me try!

TR: Oh God, you saw Brett, didn't you?

MH: ....

TR: You did!

MH: ...yeah...

TR: HAHA, whatever dude. This team needs some fresh leadership.

MH: Ah, fooie. Oh well, I hear the weather in San Francisco is nicer anyway.

Mike Singletary: (drops pants) WHAT?!?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What happens when suck takes on blow?

Last Sunday, like seemingly every other week this year, sucked. A lot. I could throw all sorts of "analysis" and "breakdowns" of the choke job, but thats using to many words. Suck will suffice.

If there's any team that can MAYBE relate to us, its the Rams. (The Lions are sort of used to this by now, yes?) The Rams got this lovely sense of false hope when they appointed their shitty defensive coordinator and they beat a Redskins team that didn't feel like playing and a Cowboys team that had some major boo-boos. Suddenly, at 2-4, it was ALMOST tolerable to live in St. Louis! Haha, then In bev bought Budweiser and the city sucks again. Let me illustrate what the last few weeks have done to the Rams and their fans.

Of course, the Rams should sort of be used to this as well. After all, Seahawks fans had been circling a late season date with Arizona to see if that might decide the NFC West. Well...not quite. They sort of wrapped that thing up last week. And somehow the 49ers and their pantsless coach are head of us. Jesus, this season has been drink-inducing, has it not?

If I could be involved in this after Seahawks losses, I'd be a better person.

So, here we go, two absolutely horrible teams playing for whatever resemblance of pride they have left. Meh, they can do whatever...I just found a better way to occupy my time

Sweet jesus, I could have myself a good time with that much bourbon!

Enjoy the game...I'm gettin' hammered!

Friday, December 05, 2008

Flex this

The apperant Seahawks offense line gets ready to go to the scales...fuck, am I ever bitter about how this season has gone.

So, the Seahawks-Pats game has been "flexed out" by the NFL. Apparently, the league is sensitive to the mental state of your typical Seattle fan, and is sparing us from having to watch this team get slaughtered in prime time by Matt Cassell and his Band of Bastards that are still going to win the AFC East. Jesus, why can't our injury problems result in division titles? New England looses a pro bowler...magically they get a 3-time Super Bowl winning quarterback. he goes down...then Matt Cassell does this.

As much as the Seahawks frustrate me, I was looking forward to watching them since it feels weird when you want to drink because of the Gamecast. Sure, Hass just got sacked...again. But what if its a coverage sack? No need to grab the bourbon bottle in that case. Or did the left side of the line starting dreaming about buckets of fried chicken and let Matt get decked? Well then, I need to go make my favorite cocktail. Its 1 part alcohol, 1 part more alcohol, and 4 parts more alcohol. Serve on ice, and hide cell phone. Its delicious!

Anyway, I was thinking about how if the NFL can flex out things that it doesn't want to see, why can't I?

Employee evaluations are probably coming up, since I've been working at my current job for almost a year. I'd like to flex this out, because I don't want the frustrating experience f getting a year's worth of feedback in ten minutes. I'd like to exchange this experience in favor of going to a carwash being conducted by bikini-clad wimmens.

Oh noes! What if K-Rob drops that sponge!

Hey, this flex thing is fun. Let's keep this going. I have to do some Holiday shopping, but the parking lot is just so crowded. How can I opt out of this? Um...another bikini car wash? That could work...but what about I get Santa's Big Chested Helper to do my shopping instead.

Hey, why are you looking up Mora to Huskies rumors! Get on!

This is going pretty good. But, don't get to spendy there, Santa's Big Chested Helper. I'm not exactly rich. Let's flex out my financial situation....
That'll That seems like a good name for you!

So, instead of going to employee evaluations I went to a bikini car wash, had some sexy lady do my holiday shopping with money my stripper friend brings home. I could get used to this flexing thing.

Enjoy the game and its not starting at late at night!


Monday, November 10, 2008

Monday Morning LOLs-R-back

Click Picture and Prepare to LYAO!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Seahawks Go Gently Into That Good Night...

As always, click thumbnail image for punchline, then berate author in Comments section.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy LOL-o-Ween!

In the spirit of the holiday, click each image to see if it's a TRICK or a TREAT!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 8

Let's get right to it shall we?

Seattle (+5) over SAN FRANCISCO

Look, I've watched the Seahawks play like absolute shit the past few weeks. If this group has any pride, they can turn it around. No pressure from the home crowd, just go out and play. I know there's injuries, but if this team plays with passion, they can beat a team like 49ers.

BALTIMORE (-7) over Oakland

His win last week aside, Tom Cable sucks at coaching.

CAROLINA (-4) over Arizona

Coming off a bye and going cross country will make it tough for the Cards to find that rhythm again.

Tampa Bay (+2.5) over DALLAS

The Cowboys have some proving to do before I'd put money on them.

Washington (-7.5) over DETROIT

Bet against the Lions now, because they're about to win like three games to ensure a mediocre draft pick.

Buffalo (pk) over MIAMI

Should be a good ballgame, but Miami can be hit and miss.

NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) over St. Louis

The rams have played great ball the past two weeks, but the Patriots seem to have found their stride with Cassel.

San Diego (-3.5) over NEW ORLEANS

The Saints were only using those drugs to recover from jet lag, honest!

NY JETS (-14) over Kansas City

Throw to Laverneus Coles lots, for I need the fantasy football win.

Atlanta (+9) over PHILADELPHIA

The Eagles are good, but nine points is a bit much to give to a fairly talented Falcons team.

JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Cleveland

Can we put this game in prime time? Its the Browns...THEY MUST BE GOOD!

HOUSTON (-9.5) over Cincinnati

The Bengals without Palmer = somehow worse. You didn't think it could get that way.

NY Giants (+2.5) over PITTSBURGH

I smell an upset win here on the road.

Indianapolis (+4) over TENNESSEE

The Titans may walk away undefeated, but I think the Colts can keep it close.

Enjoy the games.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You can't fire me...I WEAR A SUIT

What do you mean I'm fired? Me? Fired? That's impossible. That's like saying that silk ties don't improve defensive blitz packages.

What's that? They don't? LIES!

Now you're bringing in Singletary. Great. Did you see his glasses?

He looks like Urkel! I'll bet he hikes up his pants and wears suspenders at home! With that sort of fashion sense...this team can't possibly succeed.

Fine, if you people can't appreciate a good suit, silk ties, fine shoes, and the finest cufflinks this side of Italy, then you're beyond help.

Though I will miss San Francisco...the shopping here was fantastic.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Even Milk Doesn't Go Sour This Quickly

As always, click picture for punchline.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 7

Its late, I'm, just straight picks this week.

TAMPA BAY (-10.5) over Seattle

Its on the East Coast, and our defensive coordinator is still employed. Only comment I'll make.

San Diego (+1) over BUFFALO

New Orleans (+3) over CAROLINA

CHICAGO (-3) over Minnesota

Pittsburgh (-9.5) over CINCINNATI

Tennessee (-9) over KANSAS CITY

Baltimore (+3) over MIAMI

NY GIANTS (-10.5) over San Francisco

Dallas (-7) over ST. LOUIS

Detroit (+10) over HOUSTON

Indianapolis (-1) over GREEN BAY

NY Jets (-3) over OAKLAND

WASHINGTON (-7.5) over Cleveland

NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Denver

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Did Brad Johnson Buy His Helmet at a Yard Sale? Or Is He Just Cheap?

Something caught my eye at the end of regulation in the Cards-Cowboys matchup. Brad Johnson takes the field as the holder for the potential game-tying field goal.

You know those little green circle stickers they put on the back of helmets, signifying the radio inside? Check out Johnson's:

Apparently someone though it would be funny to make it look like a yard sale sticker, and write "$1.00" on is with a sharpie.

Nice. Wish I'd thought of that. Brad just sits around like a cheap lamp nowdays, anyway.

This Was Not Just a Loss

This was a realignment.

Last Wednesday, Holmgren lit into the team with what was termed as a 'truth session." In the moment of truth, in five successive games, the Seahawks have shown who they really are.

Now they must find a way to come to terms with being identified with a horrible record. They have lost their swagger, their pride, and their enjoyment. You can't just fake it back. The only thing that gets it back is hard teamwork and faith.

So now, how will the Seahawks respond? How will the fans respond? Neither have been in this position for quite a few years.

But wait, it gets worse: Now Seattle heads to road games in Tampa and San Francisco, followed by Philly at home, then a road trip to Miami.

Not good.

But you have my promise: I will not lose my sense of humor. And I will not give up.

/dick joke?