Will Dick Nolan Help His Son's Team From Beyond The Grave?

We here at 12 Seahawks Street revel in analyzing the obscure, going where no sane person dare to tread. This might mean telling you the truth about some sensitive matters, occasionally exploring the gayness of certain players, the fundamental stupidity of NFL managment, and even the crossing of Seahawks and spirituality.

Once again, as your trusted Seattle Seahawks spiritual advisor, we delve into the supernatural, bringing you hyper-glowing enlightenment, guaranteed to make your game bets safe*.

One item of note: 12 Seahawks Street is non-denominational, meaning everyone is right! Diverse views will be expressed, and, of course, they all will prove true.

On to the current topic: Will recently departed Dick Nolan wield his influence from the afterlife, affecting the outcome of 49ers @ Seahawks? Let's examine the issue from several theological angles:

Family Circusism

You know the story -- Billy's grandpa dies. His looming ghost does cute little things from heaven, and is readily involved in the day-to-day affairs of the family--especially the grandson, Jeffy. One problem with this scenario -- the deceased grandfather in The Family Circus appears, albeit in heaven, to be in the same old, gray, wretched condition that he was at the time of death.

This notion does not bode well for the Nolans, for the elder coach suffered late in life from Alhezeimer's. One could only imagine what dunderheaded meddling would occur if 'pops' decided to intervene tonight, given his condition. Causing fumbles on the wrong team, making the wrong guys trip--heck, he may not even recognize his son and strike him blind.

Expect a lot of sloppy play in this matchup.

Shazamism

The most awesome of all these thoelogies, Shazamism invloves the central character procuring super powers and existential wisdom from a bunch of Greek gods, and one dead Bible character named Solomon. He runs around with an old dude in a Winnebago and looks flashy by contrast.

How does this apply in this matchup? Look for Mike Nolan to seek guidance from his dead father, and get it. But don't be surprised if he fails at first, because there are lots of life lessons in this gig that he just has to learn from himself (all within 30 minutes, of course.) Not to mention the hedonistic influence of the rivals spirits -- those Greek gods were such selfish, manipulative pricks -- and likewise, I'm sure dead dudes like George Halas, Vince Lombardi, and Tom Landry will give the Nolans a wild ride.

Mike Nolan will be confused and pissed tonight, should this hold true.

God Healed My Footism

One of the more bothersome of the -isms, God Healed My Footism gathers complexity when the opponent has spirits on his side, too.

Take Shaun Alexander. God healed his foot last season, and he ran through Green Bay's defense on Monday night like they were cheese. And as long as Shaun has faith, high goals and works hard, there is no reason he shouldn't be able to rush for 2,000 yards and score 40 touchdowns this season.

This creates a huge obstacle for the 49ers - basically it forces Mike Nolan to have more faith than Alexander if he wants to have any hope of winning. And given his newfound incentive to believe in the afterlife, he may just do it.

***BREAKING NEWS***

Shaun Alexander has lost faith, and he is out for tonight's game with a knee injury.

Ohhhh... Shit.

Wonder Womanism

This one really has nothing to do with anything. I just found this bitchin' clip of some dude doing exactly what I wanted to do to Wonder Woman when I was seven years old. Pretty much all I knew about foreplay at the time. In fact, if any of the girls at school remember me, this was pretty much our regular routine at recess. Yes, I got sent to the office a lot.

Ahhh, the prepubescent boners of yesteryear...

Well, I hope I was a helpful guide. Enjoy the game.

*For entertainment purposes only. Do not place bets based on this information. That would be stupid.

What I Learned From... Tightening the Noose on the NFC West

Ignore all the "beat themselves" crap coming out of the niner camp and the national media. The Seahawks' defense destroyed the 49ers, and kept them confused, jumpy, panicked and befuddled the entire game. That's what happens when an offensive line is overmatched-- they hold, they jump the count, they overplay and miss their assignment.



It's like playing chess with an eight year-old: You take out some important pieces from him, then all of a sudden he's taking desperate, thoughtless chances, and pretty soon playing the old, "oops, I sneezed with my arm flailing and took out the whole damn board" trick.

So the game is over with. The Seahawks take the lead in the division. Frank Gore is a moron for giving the Seahawks bulletin board material. Justin Smiley is now Mr. Yuk. Larry Allen is a overfilled waterbed with cleats. Trent Dilfer is a gentleman and a traitor. And Darrell Jackson is a lazy fuckin' hippie.

Speaking of hippies, they're stupid, too. Watch, listen as Penn & Teller make complete asses out of these embicilic fuckheads.




Bring on the Steelers. Now. Please.

Chad Johnson Goes Home Without Kissin' My Cheerleaders

My heart swelled with enourmous pride on Sunday. The 12th man came with full force and gave the Bengals' offense more problems than they expected. Brian Russel and Deon Grant picked Carson Palmer clean. The run defense stopped the running back eight times for losses. And most importantly, Ocho Cinco came away with nada touchdown celebrations.


In case you missed it, Chad Johnson ran his mouth last week about his possible touchdown celebrations:

"You know what would be a good celebration? To do something using the cheerleaders in Seattle, just walk up and kiss one. I can't get fined (by the NFL) for kissing."

Now, I realize that none of the Seagals know I exist. But dammit! Those are my cheerleaders. Not to mention, I couldn't walk up and kiss one without getting arrested, so why should be able to?

I'd like to personally thank the Seahawks' defense for keeping Johnson out of the end zone. Because if he did this, I know I would have jumped the railing and cold-cocked the motherfucker. It would have been stupid, but I would have defended her honor; I would have gone to jail.

I know this doesn't make sense, but it's right. Right?

Shaun Alexander, Songwriter for Jesus

Maybe you've heard--Shaun Alexander loves his church. So much, according to the Federal Way Mirror, he wrote a song. He even gave a speech:

Willis pointed to one church member that the congregation is particularly proud of — Seattle Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander.

Alexander wrote a song celebrating the church’s first service and spoke to the congregation.

“We will change the world with this church,” Alexander said.

This gathering was not without controversy. Pastor Casey Treat, leader of the Christian Faith Center where Alexander spoke, had his share of protesters outside.

“We do not believe that Christian Faith Center represents the true gospel of Jesus Christ,” said Mark, who declined to give his last name. “We believe in following the Bible... Casey Treat cherry-picks Scripture and he twists it.”

Lazaro Lopez said he was protesting because he believes Casey Treat is duping his congregation into making him rich. He noted Treat’s luxury vehicles and frequent helicopter rides.

This is just sad. Can't a fella start a church, bring in some celebs, get a massive following by developing a party-like atmoshphere, and live the high life anymore?