Who Loves The Seahawks More Than Captain Caveman?

The title probably should end with the word "Does", since I'm sure most visitors love the team more than they love Captain Caveman, but it was already too fucking long. However, in this piece he did for Deadspin, one time Streeter Matt Ufford professes his true feelings and devotion to our favorite NFL franchise.

(and I'm just mailing it in!)

Seahawks #1 in ESPN Power Rankings

Being a Seahawks fan is tough. Even after a remarkable 2005 season and strong playoff run that ended in a dubious loss in the Super Bowl, the Seahawks still don't get any resp-- WHA?



Of course, this collection of sports journalists' opinions is as useful as Pete Prisco's drivel... but hey, it's nice to be noticed.



(to comment, click the green number to the right of the title above)

SCHEDULE FOR 2006 VICTIMS RELEASED

Well, here it is. All times are Pacific. After a week 14 game at Arizona, the 'Hawks get all of three days to prepare for the 'Niners (but then 10 to prep for the Chargers). Two Monday night games.





Discuss!

Steelers vs Seahawks: Nickname Breakdown

Let me start by saying this: From the franchise to the coaching staff to the players, I admire the Steelers. If they were playing anybody else in the NFC for the Lombardi trophy, I would probably be rooting for them. But, as we know, they're playing the Seahawks, and thus fall into taunting territory. It's my way of coping with the innate terror of rooting for the Seahawks in a big game. As such, what follows is my breakdown of the game's biggest (non-Berman) nicknames.

Starting Running Backs
Pittsburgh: Gosh, that Willie Parker sure is fast. If only he had a nickname describing how fast he is... I'm sorry, what's that? He already has a nickname? Fast Willie Parker? You're kidding, right?

Objectively, this might be the most boring, unoriginal nickname in the history of sports. There's really not much else to say about it.

Seattle: MVP Shaun Alexander. Not too many points for originality, but you have to admit, it's a pretty sweet handle.

Players Named "Big"
Pittsburgh: Ben Roethliberger, aka Big Ben. Okay, whoever is responsible for nicknames in Pittsburgh is fired. Did the Rooneys hire Lenny from Of Mice and Men to think of this stuff? "Okay, Lenny, just watch the game tape and get back to us, okay?" (Three hours pass.) "All right, we now have Catchy Hines Ward, Hairy Troy Polamalu, Tall Heath Miller, and Fat Jerome Bettis. Write up the press release."

Objectively, I'll concede that I understand the double-entendre with the London landmark. Ben's an ascendant star in the NFL, and he is, indeed, bigger than the average quarteback. But compare that to...

Seattle: Walter Jones. Big Walt is not only much, much bigger than Big Ben, but he's also light years better at his position than, oh, anybody else on the planet.

Notable Backup Players with Terrific Nicknames
Pittsburgh: None. No wait, lemme think... Nope. I'll check the roster one more time for any high-profile players who don't start... Oh. Apparently Bettis has something going on -- well, that's silly. He's fat and doesn't resemble a greyhound at all.

Seattle: Floyd "Pork Chop" Womack. A benchmark for separating a great nickname from an average one is how readily it replaces an athlete's first name. Answer me this: do you call him Floyd or Pork Chop? That's what I thought. A hundred years from now, sports-nickname historians will consider this one of the all-time greats, along the lines of Oil Can Boyd, Three-Finger Brown, Catfish Hunter, Night Train Lane, and Crazy Legs Hirsch. (Not making the cut: the Steelers' Mean Joe Greene. Seriously, Lenny, you're fired. Clean out your desk and go home.)

Yes, I'm going there. Somebody had to.

All week long, intelligent Panthers fans have engaged the virile minds at 12 Seahawks Street in intelligent, capable dialogue about the likely outcome of Sunday's Cat Roast at Qwest Field. Frankly, I've had enough. Enough Steve Smith. Enough Jake Delhomme. Enough hot team, better defense, tough on the road.

Panthers fans, rub it in our faces that no Sea Gal has EVER been arrested for hitting a woman for interrupting a drunken cheerleader-on-cheerleader bar-bathroom liaison. The NFL's best O this season didn't come out of Seattle at the hands of Matt Hasselbeck, but from a Florida bar at the hands of Angela on Renee (of course, I'm filling in some details with my imagination, but who's going to disagree?). You hit us Seahawks fans with that tidbit of awesome amazingness, and I have no retort but a tip of my 1980s "trident" Mariners cap.

Yes, I know, this is the low road. It's not analysis. But your slurring, sapphic TopCats are the best NFL story of the year, and we as Seahawks fans need to acknowledge where Carolina has the advantage.

Angie, Renee, if you're reading this, you can watch the game with me. I'll bring the Jager.

This just in: Goings Going to Suck

Steve Smith is inhuman. Jake Delhomme I kinda like.
Julius Peppers, even with a detached shoulder, is a certified playmaker. Nick Goings, however, sucks balls.

The hottest trend for some in the media (who are thrilled that their preseason NFC pick is finally showing life after being erratic most of the season) following Deshaun Foster's broken ankle is the justification of Nick Goings as a replacement not to be overlooked. He filled in as a starter in 2004 and gained over 800 yards as the Panthers went 6-2 to salvage a crappy season. He got 12 carries for 63 yards against the Giants two weekends ago, and gained 34 more with 10 carries against the brutish Bears.

These facts are even more impressive when you take into account that Nick Goings sucks. I didn't check the injury report, but I think Deshaun Foster was missing his foot for the last two games and John Fox still started him. Goings backed up Stephen Davis when Davis showed all the explosiveness of Eddie George circa 2001. Goings backed up Tshimanga Binaca... Bianca... Biakabututu? Ah, Biakabutuka! (who rushed for all of 718 yards one season) Oh, and that gaudy yards per rush against the Giants? Please. Did you see the Giants' linebackers? Carl Banks and Pepper Johnson screened calls from Tom Coughlin the week before that game, and LT showed up on the sideline but couldn't be activated in time.

Can the 'Hawks totally discount ze Panzers' running game? Yes. Wait, I mean no. Their O-Line is formidable, and an argument can be made that Goings with the Carolina line isn't much of a step back from MoMo with Big Walt, the Strangler, & Co. However, I will not make that argument. My argument has been made: Nick Goings is going to suck on Sunday.


GO SEAHAWKS!!!