Monday, November 12, 2007

Will Dick Nolan Help His Son's Team From Beyond The Grave?

We here at 12 Seahawks Street revel in analyzing the obscure, going where no sane person dare to tread. This might mean telling you the truth about some sensitive matters, occasionally exploring the gayness of certain players, the fundamental stupidity of NFL managment, and even the crossing of Seahawks and spirituality.

Once again, as your trusted Seattle Seahawks spiritual advisor, we delve into the supernatural, bringing you hyper-glowing enlightenment, guaranteed to make your game bets safe*.

One item of note: 12 Seahawks Street is non-denominational, meaning everyone is right! Diverse views will be expressed, and, of course, they all will prove true.

On to the current topic: Will recently departed Dick Nolan wield his influence from the afterlife, affecting the outcome of 49ers @ Seahawks? Let's examine the issue from several theological angles:

Family Circusism

You know the story -- Billy's grandpa dies. His looming ghost does cute little things from heaven, and is readily involved in the day-to-day affairs of the family--especially the grandson, Jeffy. One problem with this scenario -- the deceased grandfather in The Family Circus appears, albeit in heaven, to be in the same old, gray, wretched condition that he was at the time of death.

This notion does not bode well for the Nolans, for the elder coach suffered late in life from Alhezeimer's. One could only imagine what dunderheaded meddling would occur if 'pops' decided to intervene tonight, given his condition. Causing fumbles on the wrong team, making the wrong guys trip--heck, he may not even recognize his son and strike him blind.

Expect a lot of sloppy play in this matchup.


The most awesome of all these thoelogies, Shazamism invloves the central character procuring super powers and existential wisdom from a bunch of Greek gods, and one dead Bible character named Solomon. He runs around with an old dude in a Winnebago and looks flashy by contrast.

How does this apply in this matchup? Look for Mike Nolan to seek guidance from his dead father, and get it. But don't be surprised if he fails at first, because there are lots of life lessons in this gig that he just has to learn from himself (all within 30 minutes, of course.) Not to mention the hedonistic influence of the rivals spirits -- those Greek gods were such selfish, manipulative pricks -- and likewise, I'm sure dead dudes like George Halas, Vince Lombardi, and Tom Landry will give the Nolans a wild ride.

Mike Nolan will be confused and pissed tonight, should this hold true.

God Healed My Footism

One of the more bothersome of the -isms, God Healed My Footism gathers complexity when the opponent has spirits on his side, too.

Take Shaun Alexander. God healed his foot last season, and he ran through Green Bay's defense on Monday night like they were cheese. And as long as Shaun has faith, high goals and works hard, there is no reason he shouldn't be able to rush for 2,000 yards and score 40 touchdowns this season.

This creates a huge obstacle for the 49ers - basically it forces Mike Nolan to have more faith than Alexander if he wants to have any hope of winning. And given his newfound incentive to believe in the afterlife, he may just do it.


Shaun Alexander has lost faith, and he is out for tonight's game with a knee injury.

Ohhhh... Shit.

Wonder Womanism

This one really has nothing to do with anything. I just found this bitchin' clip of some dude doing exactly what I wanted to do to Wonder Woman when I was seven years old. Pretty much all I knew about foreplay at the time. In fact, if any of the girls at school remember me, this was pretty much our regular routine at recess. Yes, I got sent to the office a lot.

Ahhh, the prepubescent boners of yesteryear...

Well, I hope I was a helpful guide. Enjoy the game.

*For entertainment purposes only. Do not place bets based on this information. That would be stupid.

1 comment:

  1. Another great theologically based post by Bloof. Keep this up and we'll have to vote you Pope of the Street or something like that.

    Your first Family Circus observation about Nolan seems to have been incredibly prescient, given the decisions to forego 6 gimme points in lieu of getting stuffed on two huge 4th down conversions.

    I always think it's hysterical to hear the media pundits carry on about the inspiration losing a loved one will deliver prior to a big football game, like some Hollywood screenwriter is hackign out the script in the background.

    As I said in the SeahawkBlue game day chat, "obviously Dick Nolan liked Mike Holmgren better than his own son!"

    Or as you pointed out, perhaps the addled old still cooling codger looked down and mistook the overweigh, frumpy and moustacheoed Mike Holmgren to be the fruit of his own loins. Bet that would just get the physically fit, metrosexually suit-wearing protoge's blood boiling!