Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Holmgren attempts to get back
For a little background go here.
Inside his head:
Mike Holmgren: Sigh.....I'm going to miss this.
/does Rocky-esque montage of visiting Seattle sights including the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and every Dick's Burgers franchise twice.
/sees young boy aspiring to be a head coach yelling at his friends
Mike Holmgren: I have to do it. I can't let this be my last season.
(looks at watch)
It's 6:05...I have just enough time to catch the 6:07 bus to get home and tell my wife.
/Lingers awhile looking at broken branch on the ground. Laughs slightly at irony. Hears bus drive away.
MH: Jimminy Christmas!
/walks home, though it takses long due to not being a montage.
The next day...Seahawks Headquarters...
MH: Tim! Tim! Tim!
Tim Ruskell: No, Mike, I will not keep a Gatorade cooler full of bisque on the sideline for your personal use, stop asking.
MH: No, no. That's not it at all!
TR: Really?
MH: Well, it'd still be neat, but no. I've made a decision about my leaving.
TR: (grabbing champagne bottle) THAT'S GREAT!!
MH: yeah, I thought about where this team is headed and my legacy...
TR: (humming Celebration)
MH: And I...I...
TR: (under breath) We're excited for Jim to take over early and start putting his stamp on this franchise...
MH: I want to come back next year.
TR: (drops bottle, jaw)
MH: We have some unfinished business! Let me try!
TR: Oh God, you saw Brett, didn't you?
MH: ....
TR: You did!
MH: ...yeah...
TR: HAHA, whatever dude. This team needs some fresh leadership.
MH: Ah, fooie. Oh well, I hear the weather in San Francisco is nicer anyway.
Mike Singletary: (drops pants) WHAT?!?
Now then...here's how that went down.
[Ghost of TV Present]
TV voice: And what an amazing play by Brett Favre! IT is simply incredible what he's doing! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE WILL BG HIM NOT TO RETIRE IN THE OFFSEASON!
Mike Holmgren:
Inside his head:
Mike Holmgren: Sigh.....I'm going to miss this.
/does Rocky-esque montage of visiting Seattle sights including the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and every Dick's Burgers franchise twice.
/sees young boy aspiring to be a head coach yelling at his friends
Mike Holmgren: I have to do it. I can't let this be my last season.
(looks at watch)
It's 6:05...I have just enough time to catch the 6:07 bus to get home and tell my wife.
/Lingers awhile looking at broken branch on the ground. Laughs slightly at irony. Hears bus drive away.
MH: Jimminy Christmas!
/walks home, though it takses long due to not being a montage.
The next day...Seahawks Headquarters...
MH: Tim! Tim! Tim!
Tim Ruskell: No, Mike, I will not keep a Gatorade cooler full of bisque on the sideline for your personal use, stop asking.
MH: No, no. That's not it at all!
TR: Really?
MH: Well, it'd still be neat, but no. I've made a decision about my leaving.
TR: (grabbing champagne bottle) THAT'S GREAT!!
MH: yeah, I thought about where this team is headed and my legacy...
TR: (humming Celebration)
MH: And I...I...
TR: (under breath) We're excited for Jim to take over early and start putting his stamp on this franchise...
MH: I want to come back next year.
TR: (drops bottle, jaw)
MH: We have some unfinished business! Let me try!
TR: Oh God, you saw Brett, didn't you?
MH: ....
TR: You did!
MH: ...yeah...
TR: HAHA, whatever dude. This team needs some fresh leadership.
MH: Ah, fooie. Oh well, I hear the weather in San Francisco is nicer anyway.
Mike Singletary: (drops pants) WHAT?!?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
What happens when suck takes on blow?
Last Sunday, like seemingly every other week this year, sucked. A lot. I could throw all sorts of "analysis" and "breakdowns" of the choke job, but thats using to many words. Suck will suffice.
If there's any team that can MAYBE relate to us, its the Rams. (The Lions are sort of used to this by now, yes?) The Rams got this lovely sense of false hope when they appointed their shitty defensive coordinator and they beat a Redskins team that didn't feel like playing and a Cowboys team that had some major boo-boos. Suddenly, at 2-4, it was ALMOST tolerable to live in St. Louis! Haha, then In bev bought Budweiser and the city sucks again. Let me illustrate what the last few weeks have done to the Rams and their fans.
Of course, the Rams should sort of be used to this as well. After all, Seahawks fans had been circling a late season date with Arizona to see if that might decide the NFC West. Well...not quite. They sort of wrapped that thing up last week. And somehow the 49ers and their pantsless coach are head of us. Jesus, this season has been drink-inducing, has it not?
Of course, the Rams should sort of be used to this as well. After all, Seahawks fans had been circling a late season date with Arizona to see if that might decide the NFC West. Well...not quite. They sort of wrapped that thing up last week. And somehow the 49ers and their pantsless coach are head of us. Jesus, this season has been drink-inducing, has it not?
If I could be involved in this after Seahawks losses, I'd be a better person.
Filed under
Alan,
Mix it with Coke,
My alcohol team has a football problem
Friday, December 05, 2008
Flex this
The apperant Seahawks offense line gets ready to go to the scales...fuck, am I ever bitter about how this season has gone.
As much as the Seahawks frustrate me, I was looking forward to watching them since it feels weird when you want to drink because of the NFL.com Gamecast. Sure, Hass just got sacked...again. But what if its a coverage sack? No need to grab the bourbon bottle in that case. Or did the left side of the line starting dreaming about buckets of fried chicken and let Matt get decked? Well then, I need to go make my favorite cocktail. Its 1 part alcohol, 1 part more alcohol, and 4 parts more alcohol. Serve on ice, and hide cell phone. Its delicious!
Anyway, I was thinking about how if the NFL can flex out things that it doesn't want to see, why can't I?
Employee evaluations are probably coming up, since I've been working at my current job for almost a year. I'd like to flex this out, because I don't want the frustrating experience f getting a year's worth of feedback in ten minutes. I'd like to exchange this experience in favor of going to a carwash being conducted by bikini-clad wimmens.
Oh noes! What if K-Rob drops that sponge!
Hey, this flex thing is fun. Let's keep this going. I have to do some Holiday shopping, but the parking lot is just so crowded. How can I opt out of this? Um...another bikini car wash? That could work...but what about I get Santa's Big Chested Helper to do my shopping instead.
Hey, why are you looking up Mora to Huskies rumors! Get on Amazon...now!
This is going pretty good. But, don't get to spendy there, Santa's Big Chested Helper. I'm not exactly rich. Let's flex out my financial situation....
That'll do...um...Cindey? That seems like a good name for you!
So, instead of going to employee evaluations I went to a bikini car wash, had some sexy lady do my holiday shopping with money my stripper friend brings home. I could get used to this flexing thing.
Enjoy the game and its not starting at late at night!
Alan
Monday, November 10, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 8
Let's get right to it shall we?
Seattle (+5) over SAN FRANCISCO
Look, I've watched the Seahawks play like absolute shit the past few weeks. If this group has any pride, they can turn it around. No pressure from the home crowd, just go out and play. I know there's injuries, but if this team plays with passion, they can beat a team like 49ers.
BALTIMORE (-7) over Oakland
His win last week aside, Tom Cable sucks at coaching.
CAROLINA (-4) over Arizona
Coming off a bye and going cross country will make it tough for the Cards to find that rhythm again.
Tampa Bay (+2.5) over DALLAS
The Cowboys have some proving to do before I'd put money on them.
Washington (-7.5) over DETROIT
Bet against the Lions now, because they're about to win like three games to ensure a mediocre draft pick.
Buffalo (pk) over MIAMI
Should be a good ballgame, but Miami can be hit and miss.
NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) over St. Louis
The rams have played great ball the past two weeks, but the Patriots seem to have found their stride with Cassel.
San Diego (-3.5) over NEW ORLEANS
The Saints were only using those drugs to recover from jet lag, honest!
NY JETS (-14) over Kansas City
Throw to Laverneus Coles lots, for I need the fantasy football win.
Atlanta (+9) over PHILADELPHIA
The Eagles are good, but nine points is a bit much to give to a fairly talented Falcons team.
JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Cleveland
Can we put this game in prime time? Its the Browns...THEY MUST BE GOOD!
HOUSTON (-9.5) over Cincinnati
The Bengals without Palmer = somehow worse. You didn't think it could get that way.
NY Giants (+2.5) over PITTSBURGH
I smell an upset win here on the road.
Indianapolis (+4) over TENNESSEE
The Titans may walk away undefeated, but I think the Colts can keep it close.
Enjoy the games.
Seattle (+5) over SAN FRANCISCO
Look, I've watched the Seahawks play like absolute shit the past few weeks. If this group has any pride, they can turn it around. No pressure from the home crowd, just go out and play. I know there's injuries, but if this team plays with passion, they can beat a team like 49ers.
BALTIMORE (-7) over Oakland
His win last week aside, Tom Cable sucks at coaching.
CAROLINA (-4) over Arizona
Coming off a bye and going cross country will make it tough for the Cards to find that rhythm again.
Tampa Bay (+2.5) over DALLAS
The Cowboys have some proving to do before I'd put money on them.
Washington (-7.5) over DETROIT
Bet against the Lions now, because they're about to win like three games to ensure a mediocre draft pick.
Buffalo (pk) over MIAMI
Should be a good ballgame, but Miami can be hit and miss.
NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) over St. Louis
The rams have played great ball the past two weeks, but the Patriots seem to have found their stride with Cassel.
San Diego (-3.5) over NEW ORLEANS
The Saints were only using those drugs to recover from jet lag, honest!
NY JETS (-14) over Kansas City
Throw to Laverneus Coles lots, for I need the fantasy football win.
Atlanta (+9) over PHILADELPHIA
The Eagles are good, but nine points is a bit much to give to a fairly talented Falcons team.
JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Cleveland
Can we put this game in prime time? Its the Browns...THEY MUST BE GOOD!
HOUSTON (-9.5) over Cincinnati
The Bengals without Palmer = somehow worse. You didn't think it could get that way.
NY Giants (+2.5) over PITTSBURGH
I smell an upset win here on the road.
Indianapolis (+4) over TENNESSEE
The Titans may walk away undefeated, but I think the Colts can keep it close.
Enjoy the games.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
You can't fire me...I WEAR A SUIT
What do you mean I'm fired? Me? Fired? That's impossible. That's like saying that silk ties don't improve defensive blitz packages.
What's that? They don't? LIES!
Now you're bringing in Singletary. Great. Did you see his glasses?
He looks like Urkel! I'll bet he hikes up his pants and wears suspenders at home! With that sort of fashion sense...this team can't possibly succeed.
Fine, if you people can't appreciate a good suit, silk ties, fine shoes, and the finest cufflinks this side of Italy, then you're beyond help.
Though I will miss San Francisco...the shopping here was fantastic.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 7
Its late, I'm tired...so, just straight picks this week.
TAMPA BAY (-10.5) over Seattle
Its on the East Coast, and our defensive coordinator is still employed. Only comment I'll make.
San Diego (+1) over BUFFALO
New Orleans (+3) over CAROLINA
CHICAGO (-3) over Minnesota
Pittsburgh (-9.5) over CINCINNATI
Tennessee (-9) over KANSAS CITY
Baltimore (+3) over MIAMI
NY GIANTS (-10.5) over San Francisco
Dallas (-7) over ST. LOUIS
Detroit (+10) over HOUSTON
Indianapolis (-1) over GREEN BAY
NY Jets (-3) over OAKLAND
WASHINGTON (-7.5) over Cleveland
NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Denver
TAMPA BAY (-10.5) over Seattle
Its on the East Coast, and our defensive coordinator is still employed. Only comment I'll make.
San Diego (+1) over BUFFALO
New Orleans (+3) over CAROLINA
CHICAGO (-3) over Minnesota
Pittsburgh (-9.5) over CINCINNATI
Tennessee (-9) over KANSAS CITY
Baltimore (+3) over MIAMI
NY GIANTS (-10.5) over San Francisco
Dallas (-7) over ST. LOUIS
Detroit (+10) over HOUSTON
Indianapolis (-1) over GREEN BAY
NY Jets (-3) over OAKLAND
WASHINGTON (-7.5) over Cleveland
NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Denver
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Did Brad Johnson Buy His Helmet at a Yard Sale? Or Is He Just Cheap?
Something caught my eye at the end of regulation in the Cards-Cowboys matchup. Brad Johnson takes the field as the holder for the potential game-tying field goal.
You know those little green circle stickers they put on the back of helmets, signifying the radio inside? Check out Johnson's:
Apparently someone though it would be funny to make it look like a yard sale sticker, and write "$1.00" on is with a sharpie.
Nice. Wish I'd thought of that. Brad just sits around like a cheap lamp nowdays, anyway.
You know those little green circle stickers they put on the back of helmets, signifying the radio inside? Check out Johnson's:
Apparently someone though it would be funny to make it look like a yard sale sticker, and write "$1.00" on is with a sharpie.
Nice. Wish I'd thought of that. Brad just sits around like a cheap lamp nowdays, anyway.
This Was Not Just a Loss
This was a realignment.
Last Wednesday, Holmgren lit into the team with what was termed as a 'truth session." In the moment of truth, in five successive games, the Seahawks have shown who they really are.
Now they must find a way to come to terms with being identified with a horrible record. They have lost their swagger, their pride, and their enjoyment. You can't just fake it back. The only thing that gets it back is hard teamwork and faith.
So now, how will the Seahawks respond? How will the fans respond? Neither have been in this position for quite a few years.
But wait, it gets worse: Now Seattle heads to road games in Tampa and San Francisco, followed by Philly at home, then a road trip to Miami.
Not good.
But you have my promise: I will not lose my sense of humor. And I will not give up.
/dick joke?
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