Monday, July 09, 2007

Surviving the Off Season with No NFL Network

Hello, there! I used to post here on a regular basis. Alba once called me a blogging diva. And if Alba says it, it must be true. Then, I retired, I guess. Now, like Michael Jordon and Mario Lemiuex, I am back.

Like most of you, I’m going through some serious football withdrawals here. I mean, if I’m actually happy that Team USA beat Brazil in the U20 FIFA World Cup, you know there’s some serious lack of awesomeness in the sports world.

Unlike most of you though, I do not have NFL Network. Nor do I have the means to do so. I’m not quite a college graduate, living at home, with not a lot of money. Basically, I’m like most bloggers out there. I must go without NFL Network for one more off-season. So, I present to you: Alan’s Guide to Surviving Without God’s Gift to Television.

10:30 am- Wake up. High five oneself for getting up before noon. Unemployment has some upsides.

11:00 am- Read sports section and funnies while eating breakfast. Some Bengal gets arrested, possibly in Garfield or NFL Notebook. Can’t remember. I undoubtedly have Wheat Chex: the best flavor of Chex. Do not disagree with this.

Noon: Shower? Might as well.

Noon-thirty: Turn on TV, check channel that NFL Network would be on to see if maybe I’ve done something to appease the pagan gods and I get NFL Network for one day.

Noon-thirty-one: I knew I should have sacrificed that goat.

12:45 Go online…hope for some big breaking story at Seahawk Blue.

12:50 Happy birthday Piratesloth…not quite big breaking news. Continue to poke around Blue, end up leaving post in Sonics forum that makes fun of Clay Bennett. Look longingly at Seahawks forum and remember the days when a Jeremy Stevens joke was gold. As Cream sang, “Those were the days, yes they were, those were the days.”

1:00 Go to Sando’s blog. Not sure whether to trust Frank Hughes. Miss Sando.

1:05 Wonder if Sando will team up with Salisbury to get John Clayton.

1:07 Invent Battle Royal style tournament for all ESPN NFL Analysts. Decide I would totally watch it. Stuart Scott would undoubtedly host. Whose f***ing Now, ESPN?

1:09 Realize I am eight billionth person on Earth to make fun of the “Whose Now” series. Don’t care.

2:00 Attempt to watch Arena Football…bitch to TV that the AFL is still gimmicky like it was five years ago when I honestly thought it could make it big. Wonder how I could be so dumbtarded.

2:15 Slowly and sadly realize that given my desire to go into sports casting, I will probably have to pretend to care about Arena Football for three hours each week at some point. Contemplate becoming a hand model.

2:30 Please, let there be Seahawk news….Damnit.

3:00 Go to store to find something lunch-ish, come across football preview magazines.

3:30 Baffle myself and only buy one college football magazine. Read through Pac-10 predictions at home, say mean things about USC. They win everything.

4:00 Check back to NFL Network…still a black screen.

5:00 Happy hour! Except the house is out of bourbon…and rum. What the hell? The parentals need to get on that.

Till 6:00: Wish I had a breathalyzer to see if I could get closer to legal limit without going over than Tank Johnson.

6:01: Briefly think I could take Tank Johnston in fight. Then realize, he carries 40 guns at him at one time.

7:00 Dinner. Sadly, no NFL News.

7:30 Read some random power rankings. WHAT?!?!? They have the JETS ahead of the Seahawks?!? That guy knows nothing about football...he should be commentating AFL games. Wish I had something unbreakable to throw.

7:35 Go to Blue, find thread about said Power rankings. Put in token “Its only preseason polls/who cares what they say anyway” post. Take holier than thou approach to people who seem genuinely upset about the rankings.

8:00 Thank God its not Thursday, don’t have to watch Grey’s Anatomy.

8:15 Go to KSK, realize its weekend and they have no new material. Reread the Friday Cheerleader post for about twenty minutes.

8:35 Start to get excited for the next Michael Vick off-season adventure.

9:00 Two hours till Adult Swim…two hours till Adult Swim…Watch SportsCenter. There is very little NFL News.

9:35 When the Whose Now subject comes on, succumb to dark side and put betting lines on my Battle Royal. Best bet is Steve Young to be knocked out in the first round. I decide I like Tom Jackson to win it by jacking someone up, and Michael Irvin to get distracted by some cocaine. Jaws will breakdown film afterwards.

10:30 Half hour till Adult Swim! If you haven’t watched Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, then you desire to golf with Osama bin Laden.

10:45 Check once more for NFL News, nothing interests me.

11:00 Adult Swim! Grab beers, watch cartoons.

2:00 a.m.-Adult Swim goes to Anime mode. Weak. Go online, see if Pacman Jones was at a strip club earlier.

2:30 a.m.-No evidence suggests he was, but I have my doubts. The nation’s strippers are safe for another night.

3:00 a.m.-Bed. Pray that planets align in some weird way to bring me NFL Network tomorrow.

4:30 a.m.: Dream about having NFL Network. Greatest dream ever. Wait…is Jennifer Gardner turning on my 100 inch plasma HDTV with her titties? GREATEST. DREAM. EVER.

5:00 a.m.-Wake up right before best part. Audibly curse. Go back to bed, have dreams that are nowhere near as awesome. Like the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl.

5:30 a.m. OK, the Super Bowl Championship was a good dream to, I reason with myself. But, well, NFL Network…gigantic TV…titties…sigh. That dream was awesome.

10:30 a.m. Wake up, mark one day off the calendar till training camp.


  1. Stunningly subversive and infrequent allusions to masterbation, I'm not sure if I should be surprised or saddened...

  2. Alan, master of his own domain...

    The funniest part of this post to me is thinking about how many Seahawks fans identify with it!

    NOTE TO SELF: JoSCh needs more mastubation references to get him through the day. Interesting. Trying not to think about why...

  3. When I started reading this post, I was making mental notes about my favorite part for my pending comment - problem is - ever other entry was funnier than the previous one!

    Well done Alan, and welcome back to the Street. I know you'll be as great as M.J. was when he unretired. (well for the first time anyway)

    I've got two more days of vacation, and even though I have NFL Network, I'm going to try to follow your schedule for the rest of the week. Sadly, I have never seen Adult Swim.

    And how does someone still not out of college quote Cream?

    P.S. ok, who am I kidding, of course my favorite part was where you mentioned me in the first paragraph!