Sunday, July 22, 2007

NFL Players as Transformers Part 3: the Humans

Here's part one and part two.

The humans are to the Transformer movie what a lecture about European trade policies is to a porno. They really shouldn't be there. I did not pay $7.50 (for a matinee! Damn you Regal Theatres!) to watch Sam Witwicky be more awkward at picking up chicks than I am. I paid that good money to watch giant robots fight each other.

That said, Michael Bay decided we needed a human element to the story. Dear Mr. Bay, No we didn't. We needed more robots and more fighting. Why are Godzilla movies classics? Because the only humans are the people running away from the BROC (Big Reptile on Campus). Plus, the movie adds human characters that weren't in the cartoon. Really, Sam Witwicky would have done us just fine.

Well, here's the anticlimactic third installment of NFL Players as Transformers...

Captain William Lennox: First major human character, leads a team of survivors from a Decepticon attack across the desert in search of a telephone. Is probably smarter then he lets on.

NFL Comparison: Kellen Winslow. Leading the Browns is quite similar to looking for a phone in the desert. Plus, he's a f***ing soldier.

Simmons: Not to be confused with Bill, Simmons is an agent in the uber-secret government group called Sector 7. He says he makes a lot of money, is kind of a dick about the whole thing, but after realizing that the Giant Robots could kill him without realizing it, became Mr. Nicey nice. Was convinced by a teenage girl to strip and was subsequently handcuffed to a pole. You need to know these things.

NFL Comparison: Roger Goodell. Alright, I know he isn't a player, but come on. This fits the man to a T. He talks tough, suspending Pacman Jones for a season all because the Tennessee corner has an abnormal obsession with the weather. Then when his prize Shih Tzu (pun very much intended) Michael Vick dogfights, he comes Softy McLimperton when it comes to discipline. He makes a lot of money, and like Simmons, is probably secretly into bondage. Or at least he will be, just as soon as he can find Gene Upshaw's leash.

John Keller: Is the Secretary of Defense. Allows teenage hackers to help the country figure out what Autobots are. Somehow allows one such person to just casually step into one of his meetings, gets trapped in a room with two hackers and an old computer by some Decepticons. Not going to call him inept, but Canada's invasion is forthcoming in the sequel.

NFL Comparison: Joey Harrington. Is also inept, and will be invading Canada in two a member of the Calgary Stampede.

Mikaela Baines: A hottie with a juvenile record, claims she has a bad habit of falling for guys with big muscles, making it a miracle that Bumblebee is still a virgin. She's a bit of a "grease monkey" and made Sam Witwicky grease his monkey on a lot of occasions. Ends up making out with Sam on top of Bumblebee.

NFL Comparison:

Her name is Kristi. No more explanation.

Sam Witwicky: A geek, who somehow lands the hottie at the end, befriends the Autobots, and finds out that when large, evil robots want to kill you, one can run very, very fast.

NFL Comparison: Shaun Alexander. What, you thought the most important person in the film wouldn't be a Seahawk? Witwicky didn't have sex until the world was saved. Well, were guessing he did it anyway. Shaun waited until marriage before doing the same. (Sex, not saving the world) Shaun is also a bit of a geek, what with his teaching kids to play chess and all. Plus, he can run really fast.

There you have it, NFL players in the transformers movies. Now, if you excuse me, I have more time to kill before training camp opens.


  1. Outstanding piece which just brought laughter and joy to an otherwise dreary Monday morning here in Albany.

    Much like the Pirates of the Carribean movies, all three elements of this series were great, each could stand on their own, and together they're an epic!

    Good work Mr. Alan...NOW whattya gonna due for the next 8 weeks?

  2. Alba, you are too kind!

    To be honest, I'm going to start up a rugby blog. And I'm working on a piece about the dangers of being a fan, though it might premier on the Blue.

  3. Great job with these Alan!

    By the by, what a fantastic movie, although I think the title was all wrong. It should have been "MEGAN FOX...and a couple of robots".


  4. Paulie -

    Fer Crissakes...can you please click OTHER when making comments and enter PaulieP in the Name field?

    This will keep from having the comment show up as Anonymous, and alleviate the need to sign each comment! (although we do appreciate your feedback!)

  5. You know the sad thing is I just can't remember my google ID. I'll get it sometime.

  6. until you do, it's nice to see you've figured out the OTHER route!