Friday, July 20, 2007

Who is the Turd in the Seahawks Punchbowl?

Gone are perennial fuck-ups like Koren Robinson and Jerramy Stevens, and we know that Tim Ruskell has been hell-bent on drafting and signing choirboys with high moral fiber.

However, even if you go over the resumes of all the Saints in the Catholic church, you're bound to find that some are not as holy as others. So there must be at least two or three guys in the locker room who are doing some shit that they shouldn't be doing.

Probably not dog fighting or hopefully not other inexcusable acts like taking steroids, hot-tubbing with teen-agers or voting Republican. But mark my words, if somebody is doing something they shouldn't be, then Sheriff Richie Cunningham and his posse of Ralph and Potsie are bound to catch up with them.

So who is the turd currently floating in the Seahawk punchbowl?

The most recent Seahawks to make some news for off-field issues are Patrick Kerney, who apparently lives upstairs in a frat house, and Shaun Alexander, who obviously doesn't not watch HGTV. This pales in comparison to punching out a division rival in a casino or running an off-season prostitution ring, so our boys need to try harder.

Big Walt is from Louisiana, and we know how those Southern boys like their illegal animal fighting, so maybe he's involved in cock-fighting or secretly backing the boxing career of Tonya Harding?

Julian Peterson, a handsome black man who is always neatly groomed in impeccably dressed, used to play in San Franciso. Perhaps his pregame ritual consists of listening to show tunes and the Best of Barbara Streisand on his iPOD? (not that there's anything wrong with it!)

Could Matt Hasselbeck have such an uncontrollable gambling habit that he'd bet on everything from how the number of carrots in a can of Chunky Vegetable Soup to how many seasons of sucking it will take before the Cardinals fire Ken Wisenhunt?

It used to be that the Seahawks were generally ignored by the NFL media due to their history of mediocrity, but that all changed with three straight division crowns and their trip to Super Bowl XL. Now it seems they're being snubbed in the police blotter section, with all the attention on the Bengals, Steelers and Falcons.

And even though it makes me very happy that no member of my favorite team is flying to New York for a personal sit-down with The Fuhrer, as a Seahawk fan, I feel compelled to whine about it anyway!


  1. Didn't Bryce Fisher get in some trouble a couple years ago?


  2. You're right there Paulie, and I believe it was even last off-season. Minor domestic abuse incident, less severe than Locklear's in 2005.

    Reminds me of the sick joke

    Q: "what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?"

    A: "doesn't matter, she obviuosly didn't listen twice already!"

  3. Since this team has been constructed in a way that focuses on good moral character, there is no one who has obvious flaws. If I had to guess, though....Leroy Hill traffics child porn.

    Now hold on, I'm not saying he looks at it or enjoys it, just that he profits from the sales of it, that's all. There's a BIG difference.

  4. That's the ticket JL...not to abuse the character of an otherwise team of good guys, but to use a little creativity in creating some "street cred" for the boys.

    Anyone else?

  5. I'm pretty sure Marcus Trufant has been cleaning up the mean streets of Tacompton, vigilante style.

    He wants the filth off the streets. If the police can't do it, he will... his way! He's Judge, Jury and Executioner!