Friday, June 01, 2007

Secret Special Letter From The Desk of NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham

299 Carroll St # A
Brooklyn, NY 11231

Pittsburgh Steelers
% Offensive Line Coach Larry Zierlein
100 Art Rooney Ave
Pittsburgh, PA 15212

Dear Larry,

It has recently come to my attention that you have publicly apologized for e-mailing a video showing a mommy and a daddy sharing a special kind of hug.

While I think it is very cool that you are a standup guy and you may be embarassed or uncomfortable about accidentally sharing these special private moments with all the other guys, I am here to tell you that it's A-OK, buck-o. What you're experiencing is just a natural, healthy exploration of your special private parts, and the funny feeling you get when you sleep on your stomach or cllimb a gym rope -- that's all part of growing up.

You see, I understand. When I first started to get these feelings, it was when Joannie and I were drying off after taking a bath. She dried me off first, and I got that funny feeling. Then she sat on my lap while I dried off her back. You know that part of you down there that gets all hard like it has a bone in it? It 'accidentally' went into her pooper. I just kept drying and drying and drying and drying, but then we had to stop for dinner.

Things were really strange after that. It was all I could think about. I got huge callouses on my hands from the gym rope, and we got really good at drying each other off. That is, until she met Chachi, then we didn't do it anymore.

That is when I met Lori Beth. With her, I learned so many new and special things. I had no idea that a surpressed gag reflex, getting things shoved up your pooper, asphyxiation, whippings, felching, rodents, paper towel tubes, surgical tubing, body paint, clothespins, coat hangars, handlebar grips, crochet hooks, brillo pads, feather dusters, 9 volt batteries, broken chair legs, fishbowls, corkscrews, and all those other things could be so harrowingly fun. I'll never forget the time I woke up to her pissing on me. Fonzy laughed, tackled her, and the next hour or so was a blur of flesh, leather, body waste, and dapper dan.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't worry, buck-o. This is all natural, normal stuff. Feel free to send me more. Really. Anything you got. Lori Beth has one request, though -- she was wondering if you had anything interracial or in public places.

Have a great season. Tell Art he still owes me money for XL.


Richie Cunningham
NFL Commissioner

P.S. Go Giants!


  1. That should have started with "I never thought I'd be writing this memo..."


    Good thing he didn't share the video of Ralph and Potsie discovering that they both could surpress their gag reflexes. (not that there's anything wrong with it!)


  3. @alba, I don't think a gag raflex would stop those two.

    Besides, that's a whole 'nuther letter.