Thursday, June 14, 2007

Mike Nolan, Burn Your Comic Books

Look out, you friggin' underdressed cretins. Mike Nolan gets to unleash the power of the dark suit this season.

Nolan, with his amazing 11-20 record in two seasons with the 49ers, seeks to project an image of authority and blah blah blah. In response, NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham granted coaches everywhere permission to wear suits and ties on the sidelines during home games.

So how many other coaches are interested in playing dress-up? Just one, Jack Del Rio. Jack is already on record as thinking that gameday attire is an important part of strategy, and I mock him heavily. The rest of the NFL coaches could care less. Why? Because deep down, they are actual fucking football coaches, not insurance salesman.The suit has no special powers, and it gives you no wins. Car salesmen and Jehovah's Witnesses wear them every day.

Take the very anathema the these suit-wielding weenies, Bill Belichick.

Belichick, very obviously, could care less about his appearance on gameday. Is there any doubt that his team respects him? Not at all. He runs one of the best operations in the business. But the way he dresses, you get the impression he would wear second-hand sweatpants to his mother's funeral. All he needs is to be comfortable, so he can concentrate completely on kicking your ass with his mind. And he does it thoroughly.

And that's just it. Where are your priorities, Mike? Is it so important in your 11-20 world that you need to look strikingly handsome? If you are well dressed and make it to the Super Bowl, you will be perceived and respected as one of the classiest acts of the league. If you don't even make it to the playoffs, you won't. It's a simple as that.

Why? Because a nice suit is a loser's imitiation of success.


  1. I think the suit makes him look sexy and powerful. I'd hit it.

    Is that Belichick pic photoshopped? He kinda looks like Gollum. Again, I'd hit it.