Friday, August 10, 2007

Merriman Pledges to be Less Gay

I guess when your surname is pronounced "merry man" you can't really blame a dude for dancing like a queer, unless of course he's trying to simultaneously pass himself off as a bad-ass.

With a hat tip to BoltHype and the Chargers web site, DROY-theiving and steriod abusing Shawne Merriman has decided to give up the interpretive dance routine of the masterbatory orgasmic experience, aka, the Lights Out Sack Dance:

"You know, when I decided to get a tatoo of a light switch on my forearm, I was so messed up I didn't know what I was doing. Then this gay dude that I met in an interior design course suggested I try to work it into my on-field football persona. We drew a nice bubble bath in my two-person jacuzzi and I swear we went through six glasses of white wine spritzers (each!) when Raule got the great idea of blowing out the scented candles and letting our creativity (as well as our hands) roam free in the dark. And that's how we came up with the Lights Out Sack Dance. I'm going to miss it as much as I miss that way Raule used to towel me down after a good steam."

Naw, I'm just fucking with you. He's really giving up the Lights Out Sack Dance, but I just made up that quote. If you really want to know why, click the Chargers link.

I, for one, am going to be VERY happy not to ever see that epilectic convulsion every time his anabolic bloodstream induces his oversized frame to fall on a quarterback, especially if it has the occasion to happen this Sunday when his San Diego Chargers play against my Seattle Seahawks.

And before any Lightweight Bolt fans decides to defend that sack dance as un-gay, I recommend you view this little video clip from YouTube (again, with a Hat Tip to BoltHype)


  1. If I was Shawneee Merriman I'd get a syringe tattooed on my other forearm. That would be funny.

  2. I like the sack dance. But he said that he wouldn't do the dance until he see's the defense where he wants them to be. Meaning, if they're doing good then he'll do it. If not, he won't do it. Or it could be in the superbowl. Or playoffs. or...I don't really know but at least he won't be seeing it after every tackle he makes. it kinda defeats the purpose.

  3. What does the Steve Urkel character have to do with being gay? Throughout the run of the show he was obsessed with Laura Winslow and had a drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend, Myra Munkhouse, through half of it. What's wrong, you couldn't find any Lance Bass or Doogie Howser pics?

  4. Nope, they were pretty easy to find!

  5. Doogie is gay?