Thursday, August 09, 2007
The Crying Game
God I love this time of the football season!
It's like the first time you reach up to start unbuttoning the shirt of your high school sweetheart, and she doesn't grab your hand and pull it away!
Am I really that suave, or is she just easy? Are we gonna have sex, or will I just get shut down sliding into third? Who cares, I've got bare tit and I'm loving it!
That's how I feel as preseason games are upon us and network media pundits are publishing their reviews from NFL training camps. And it does matter if you follow the Raiders or the Colts, every fan of every team is at near orgasmic levels of optimism in August.
And to read the reports, every one of the 32 NFL franchises is resembling a nymphomaniac Beyonce look-a-like, with a well stock fridge and liquor cabinet, who medaled in gymnastics and has a Masters degree in the Kama Sutra.
That's why I find myself trying to take in all this information with a golf ball sized grain of salt. If today's report from camp is that our DBs are picking off passes left and right, does this mean our defense has improved, or is our offense sputtering? If the reports are that the running backs are gashing through huge holes for long gains, does this mean the offensive line has finally come together, or that our defense tackles are getting pushed around like grocery carts?
Who the fuck cares? As any hormone enraged teenager or liquored up bar closer will tell you, it doesn't really matter if she's a 10 or a 2, the prospect of getting laid is exciting!
But the truth of the matter is that once the regular season begins, at least half of the the fans with an Eddie Murphy-like feeling of nausia, as they reach down and discover that their dream girl has mysteriously similar plumbing to thyne own!
The beauty of the NFL is, with its parity and frequent injuries, that nobody really knows which teams will turn out to be Jaye Davidson.
All fans just hope and pray that it's not their own!