To borrow a page from Charles Haley's playbook
In this week's installment of 5Q, we borrow from the hideous insights of St. Louis Rams Fan Blogger The Watchdog, whose work can be found on PlanetRams and AOL Fanhouse. He's an odd duck in that he seems to prefer the crossfire of rival web sites (SeahawkBlue dwellers know him well) rather than the cushy confines of various Ram Tardbillies HQ. (But then again, who can blame him? My IQ drops 30 points every time I visit a St. Louis fan site.)
On with the show:
1. In both the Seahawks' and Rams' Kingdoms, there is quite a bit of despair and anguish over the land. In the case of the Seahawks, there are some specific, identifiable, and presumably fixable things that gives fans hope they can get back on track. What about the Rams? Are there some clear fixes, or is it time to blow the fugger up and start clean?
[WD] Much like the sub-dermal rumblings of a classic case of Montezuma’s revenge, the inner explosions have already damaged the failing infrastructure, and boy do they stink. The capper on that is the fact that no one really wants to fix it. The only one with any evident urgency is Coach Linehan, and that’s because he’s scared to death he’s going to be back trying to win free jerky at Forrest Gump look-alike contest and rodeos. At this point, confidence is at an all time low. Torry Holt wants out, Alex Barron’s a bust, Pace is over the hill, and Marc Bulger’s battered legs won’t even let him run for his life anymore. Steven Jackson needs to be traded for picks, as well as every other marquee veteran on the team – but only if Chip cleans out the front office and brings in a real football crew first.
2. As a follow up to #1, what strength does St. Louis posses that is something to build on?
[WD] They have great helmets, and oh yeah – we love Josh Brown.
3. If you were the majority owner of the Rams, what would be on your agenda for the next month?
[WD] Well, after the arson investigation finally cleared me of any wrongdoing, I would silently thank Georgia for her inspiration and seriously consider giving up a good-sized chunk of change to lure Marshall Faulk back to the organization as a front office guy, but in the mean time, go and offer Kurt Warner a lifetime supply of Campbell’s chunky to come back and take a beating where he belongs. Then beg Dick Vermiel to come back to the organization and give him full power.
[WD] On the other hand, that is a pretty full month. Maybe I could just go on SNL and do my own Sarah Palin style skit, but instead of her I could use a Linehan look-alike and a gay Bill Belicheck for the kicker.
4. Prediction time, but not what you might think: How much longer will Linehan retain employment with the Rams?
[WD] I think a lot of that depends on this weekend. If the Rams can pull it together and somehow beat the Chickens in their own nasty coop, it may actually be a bad thing. If that happens, Linehan will probably be allowed off the plank temporarily. Though I can’t stand going up to Seattle to see another loss, especially to Matt (Who do I more resemble, Mr. Clean or a walking Ban Roll-on) Hasslebeck, it could be the best way to purge the evil chip-monk and start the wheels turning. I give him until the bye week.
5. A genie grants you one wish, but you must choose one of the following. Which is it?
- The Rams win the next three Super Bowls
- Ten years of free daily fellation
- Free beer for life
- Your own personal Jack Nicholson as a trusty sidekick
[WD] Gonna have to go with Jack on this one, this way I can still go to the Super-bowl PLUS sit that close to the Laker-girls. I don’t like beer, and there is no such thing as free fellatia – too many ways to pay. Plus, he’s just sooo damn cool!
Thanks, Watchdog. You have my pity this Sunday.