Wednesday, September 10, 2008

According to Ichiro: How to Do When You Are Panic

When favorite team has bad opening game, is like whiffle ball bat to man-peanuts. At first, there is feeling if pain and bending over with agony and hold breath. Then there is sick stomach and groaning. Then anger and sick stomach move away to make room for anger.

Anger can make man-peanut injury victim stupid. He can have anger at person with whiffle bat, or he can grow fear of whiffle bat and flinch at sight, or he can keep control and kill whiffle enemy with outstanding skill and fury of hanbo to enemy groin. Yes, hanbo to enemy groin. To quote legend video game, "FINISH HIM!!!" This make you win at end. But you must be master of anger.

Hello, I am Ichiro Suzuki. I am your outstanding wise guide to fan of Seahawks. I help you understand meaning of winning and losing and sometimes sexy things. Today I help you in special way of not being panic of bad game and losing injury of weak players and chopping away players that are bad with team.

Not Being Panic of Bad Game

There are many excuse for bad game. No excuse is good. Forget excuse for loss.

"It was 10:00 road game." Panda-poop.

"Hasselbeck has not practice with team." Yak-smegma.

"Branch and Engram not playing." Double-Dragon felch spittle.

Excuse make player weak. Excuse make fan weak. Excuse make anger weak, and vengence weak. Excuse teaches bad game is acceptable show of weakness. Sense of self weakness makes panic.

I give you example. If sexy geisha girl has not shave legs and bushy baboon cooter, you get surprise disappointment. If she make excuse, "I have long day washing your ninja suits," you do not accept. Geisha must be like glistening-white smooth patty-cake sex machine. If you do accept, you will have many prickly night in future. Many prickly night in future makes warrior go through trouble of looking for new geisha any horny panic looking for right geisha all over again. Horny panic makes warrior weak.

So do not accept excuse.

Not being panic losing injury of weak players

Many players of Seahawks lost games for injury. Do not become panic! What good will be panic? There are more players. Fresh players fight very hard for short time. They will be injure also. Just keep send more bodies like China. Just keep fight. Many will be lost. Did you thought Seahawks would not lose player with injury? No! Then do not become panic. All teams will lose players. Keep fight. The last team with fight will be champion.

Not being panic chopping away players bad for team

You do not send child into war, do you? "But he is good with bo staff. He beat up neighbor children like no child ever before today," you do not say. You will not send him to battle with growed-ups.

Some players this year are like pimply children not ready for real battle. Forsett and Kent beat up neighbor children on playground of preseason, and may be future warriors. But today they are weakness. They must be chopped away until ready.

This is also like young geisha in training. She may be of 14 years and have full lips, ample boobies, and eat banana in one swallow. but you DO NOT GO THERE. Just wait until ready. Then you will have crazy yummy sex. But you must wait.

And not panic.


  1. God lord...this is the most brilliant and funny thing I have read in years, and I really and truly mean that.

  2. BUshy Baboon Cooter!

    You kill me.

  3. Anyone else think Tony Kornheiser needs to get rid of that comb over?

    Apparently I'm not the only one.