Monday, September 15, 2008

Postgame Aftermath: Lord, Help Us

[Holmgren enters room full of reporters]

Well, we didn't get it done today.

There were a few bright spots. I thought Julius ran the ball well. The offensive line played pretty good, for the most part. We were able to get to the quarterback, although not enough apparently. Bumpus got more punt return yards than Forsett, that has to feel good to the guys upstairs. And considering the situation at receiver - oh, my goodness - I thought our guys battled hard for most of the game.

On the flip side, I thought Brian Russell - bless his heart - played like a man possessed. A man possessed by care-bears, that is. And Kelly Jennings is getting picked on like a puppy in a cage full of monkeys. And What The Fuck is up with the defensive play calling? Marshall and I will have to talk. Blitzing with 53 men just doesn't work.

[Art Theil, raising hand] Ummm, Mr. Holmgren, soo, what is going on in your mind about the desperate situation at wide receiver? Now that Seneca and Payne have also been added to your list of injuries at the position?


[Theil] Mr. Holmgren? Hello? Mike? What do you make of the receiver situation?

[Holmgren] .............

[Clare Farnsworth] Do you think your receiver position is cursed? Kinda like bad mojo?

[Steve Kelly] Oooh! He lookth aaaaaangry!

[Holmgren] You raise an interesting point. I mean, what if they are cursed? My goodness! How do we game plan for that?

[Reporters busily write on their scratchpads] ....

[Holmgren] Shoot. Honest to goodness, that is a terrible thought. Say - are any of you close to God?

[Mike Sando and John Clayton, simultaneously] I'm close to God. Have you seen my work?

[Holmgren] No, no, I mean like personally close. Where you talk and pray and see visions and stuff.

[Reporters] ........................

[Holmgren] Never mind. Please bow your heads with me.

Dear God,

Whose COCK do I have to SUCK to catch a BREAK AROUND HERE!?!?!?

[Sounds of pencils hitting floor]


[Reporters look at each other, aghast. Sando and Clayton run out of the room. Theil hides under a chair.]


[Lights go out. Windows to outside darken. Loud sound of thunder, shaking the walls]

[God, voice thundering] M I C H E A L .

[Holmgren] God!

[God] M I C H E A L .

[Holmgren] God!

[God] M I C H E A L .

[Holmgren] God!

[God] ..........

[Holmgren] ..........

[God] Y O U   H A D   A   Q U E S T I O N ?

[Holmgren] Umm, oh, yeah... uhhhh....

[God] S P I T   I T   O U T ,   I   D O N ' T   H A V E   A L L   D A Y .

[Holmgren] Yeah, ummm, I was thinking about all our adversity with injuries and stuff, and goodness, just wondering if, ummm.....

[God] Y E S ?

[Holmgren] Think you might be able to help a little? [Flinches]

[God] W H Y   T H E   H E L L   D O   Y O U   T H I N K   I   H A V E   Y O U   P L A Y I N G   T H E   R A M S   N E X T   S U N D A Y ,   A N D   T H E N   T H E   B Y E   W E E K   A F T E R   T H A T ?     W H A T   D O   Y O U   W A N T ,   A   G O D - D A M N   M I R A C L E ?   J E E S U Z ! ! !

[God leaves room. Lights come on.]

[Everyone, sitting in stunned silence] ........

[Farnsworth] Mike...?

[Holmgren, still stunned] Huh?

[Farnsworth] Your appearance......!

[Holmgen] What?

[Kelly] You look fabulousth!



  1. Steve Kelley's recap:

    God came to Seattle.

    He spoke to Mike Holmgren.

    There were flashing lights. A chorus of angels. A bomming voice.

    No doubt about it. It was God.

    The big man himself.

    Created the universe in six days. God.

    And He spoke to Mike Holmgren.

    Made fun of the Rams a bit. Gave us all some hope.




    Jesus' father.


    (end column space, mercifully)

  2. This is by far the best post ever to grace this blog.

    Kudos my dear Blooferino!

  3. You couldn't touch Alba if you had a TIIMBERLAKE OF A VAG. SERIOUSLY.