Saturday, July 14, 2007

NFL Players as Transformers Part 1: The Autobots

This past week, I went to go see Transformers. I never watched the cartoon, but anytime there's a movie involving gigantic robot aliens from space fighting each other, I'm game. The movie did not disappoint. If you haven't seen the movie, go do so. Now. Trust me, this post will wait.

Plus, its more historically accurate than Pearl Harbor was, Michael Bay's last film.

The robot pictured is Optimus Prime...or MOFOBADASS 1. He is the leader of the Autobots, or the good guys. I got to thinking who NFL players were in comparison to the Transformers. So, I bring you part 1 of a 3 part series: NFL Players as Transformers. Part 2 will be the Decepticons, Part 3 will be the humans that more or less detract from the Huge Robot Death Match.


(By the way, if you haven't seen the movie, there are some spoilers here.)

Bumblebee: Bumblebee is, in a way, the main character in the film. He's the transformer with the most screen time. He befriend Sam Witwicky. He is also the retarded Autobot. He can't speak right, and he has this dumb look on his face the whole movie usually reserved for sad puppy dogs when their master leaves for work. Despite this, he's loyal, plays through pain, and is quite admirable.

NFL Comparison: Brett Favre. Favre is loyal, probably shouldn't play, but does, and after an interception, shares the same priceless look our Downs' Syndromed Autobot has. The only difference is, where as Bumblebee went from a POS Camero to a bitchin' Camero, Favre has gone in an opposite career arc.

Jazz: Second in command to Optimus Prime, and a robot that can speak Ebonics better then me after a day of watching BET, Jazz kind of plays a minimal part in the movie. Sure, he punches some other robots and says cool stuff, but overall he didn't make a lasting impression.

NFL Comparison: Matt Shaub. Was second in command in Atlanta and probably knows a lot about Ebonics. Double check. Sure, he's leading the show in Houston, but would he be prepared to have the Allspark pushed into his chest? Doubtful. He just went from best backup QB in league to also ran. Way to go Matt Shaub!

Ironhide: Weapons specialist for the Autobots. Would have no trouble wasting some humans if not for Optimus Prime being a little candyass about "I see good in humans" BS. Can dodge rocket grenades, which is a big plus.

NFL Comparison: I know you want me to go with Tank Johnston. Or Pacman Jones. Or the Bengals. But, as bad as he wanted to...Ironhide never killed people. Just like Ray Lewis. Honest.

Ratchet: The medical assistant of the group. Told the other Autobots that Sam Witwicky wanted to bone a girl he was hanging out with. A good bloke, as the Brits and Aussies say.

NFL Comparison: Walter Jones. Big Walt is getting up there in age, so he needs a bit more medical assistance. Plus, he once told the offense "Y'all better score, or I'll kill you!" Added bonus: In the film, Hatchet turns into an H2. Walter's workout includes pushing an H2 around a football field.

Optimus Prime: Listed last for dramatic affect, Optimus Prime (or Prime as Megatron calls him, in a sort of insult. As if leaving his first name off is demeaning. It was like calling someone named Urkel Studmuffin "Studmuffin") is the leader of the Autobots. He's kind to human, sees good in them, and refuses to harm them.

NFL Comparison: One of Prime's weapons is an energy axe. Based on this photo what comes to mind. Laser rocket arm? Congrats Peyton Manning, you are Optimus Prime.

But wait! OP wouldn't harm humans! He probably then would not star in every goddamn commercial every Sunday! Would OP chant "Cut that meat!" No. Why? Because he's MOFOBADASS 1 (see above) OP cuts his own damn meat. So...we're going to go with...Rex Grossman.

Granted OP had throwing accuracy, and didn't turn the ball over. But, he'd probably agree with Rex. You gotta unleash the dragon.

Stay tuned for Part 2: The Decepticons.


  1. Optimus Prime rules. Whatzhisfucksexcannon doesn't. But really, who can measure up to the leader of the autobots? This makes a nice joke pick.

    Favruh=Bumblebee - perfect!

  2. Never seen the cartoon (I'm too old and my kids are too young) and so this article was my first introduction to Transformers.

    Love the fact that you skipped the easy out by ignoring Pacman, Tank and Bengals.

    However, your forgetting that Big Walt used to push around his Escalade (not an H2) while skipping training camp concerns me!

    Nonetheless, I'm still looking forward to the next in this series of articles.

  3. H2...Escalade...whatever. It adds up to Big Walt being awesome.

    Still working on the Decepticon piece. Possibly tonight.