Tuesday, July 17, 2007

NFL Players as Transformers Part 2: The Decepticons

As I stated last time, I never got into the Transformers cartoons. The current movie was really my first chance to meet Giant Fighting Robots (from space!). So, when I found out the bad guys were named the "Decepticons" I instantly loved them. It sounds like "Lying Robots." Kind of like if Ken Lay founded a group of his close personal friends and called it the "Fraudmen."

The leader of the Cheatin' Dirty robots is Megatron, who looks way more wicked bad ass in the movie then he does in the picture here. Go see it and marvel at Megatron. Honestly, if he had won (oops, spoiler alert!) I totally could have handled him being ruler of the known universe.

So, who in the NFL has what it takes to be a Decepticon? Let me say this, the person I hate the most in the League is Al Davis, but he's not a player. So, I had to, like, put thought into this.

Frenzy: Frenzy is like a Transformer on crack. He jumps around, does stuff really fast, and is an absolute pain in the balls. He plays a big part in the film, and I consider him the worst part of it. Nevertheless, the movie is awesome. But Frenzy is this movie's Jar-Jar Binks.

NFL Comparison: Shawne Merriman. To bring in another movie, I'd like to quote the Big Lebowski for a second here. I don't like your jerk-off name, I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off -- do I make myself clear? . Merriman cheated, a got nothing more then a slap on the wrist, plus he does that moronic sack dance. The Chargers, as a whole, are quite awesome and a joy to watch, but Merriman brings the lot down.

I hate Shawne Merriman.

Barricade: In the movie, Barricade is the first Decepticon we see. He's in the form of a police car, and he like to torment our hero Sam Witwicky. At one point, he tries to run over Sam. Then he gets the living scrap metal beat out of him by Bumblebee, who as I've said before, is a giant, mentally handicapped toaster.

NFL Comparison: Ben Roethlisburger. He's surprisingly agile, but we all know about his driving skills (motorcycle crash) and his IQ (no helmet).

Starscream: Starscream is second in command of the Decepticons, and when he fails, Megatron lets him know. According to Wikipedia, he's also a coward. Plus, my friend whose really into Transformers gave me this little tidbit: If you watch closely in the movie, Starscream (in jet mode) attacks Megatron. He's a little bitch!

NFL Comparison: Eli Manning. He's the Official Little Bitch of the NFL. He's also a coward, and Giants fans, who are like one giant Megatron, let him know ever time he fails. This job is to easy.

Megatron: Known as NBE 1 to the US Government (Non-Biological Extraterrestrial) and known as MOFOBADASS 2 to me. Megatron is the leader of the Decepticons. He was frozen for centuries in the Arctic, and is the reason for all technology in our modern world (we reverse engineered him). He was kept in frozen stasis inside Hoover Dam. He also blew up a lot of shit.

NFL Comparison: Mario Williams. Let me explain, I don't think Williams is evil. He's probably a nice man. I do know this: He's going to be hidden from view playing for the Texans, always unfairly compared to Reggie Bush, and will probably blow up some offensive lines. Sure Megatron is bent on ruling the entire universe, but Williams, like Megatron, will always be misunderstood by NFL fans. Hell, NFL fans don't even understand Megatron! Who knows, maybe the big guy wanted to give us all free beer? Doubtful, but we'll never know because Optimus Prime beat the hell out of him. So, maybe Williams might become a dominant DE, but Merril Hodge will always be there to say, "The Texans should have gone with Reggie Bush!"

Merril Hodge, you're a dick.

Next: Part 3: The Humans.


  1. Another great piece, Alan, especially since I'm totally Transformer illiterate, other than what I learned from the first article in this series.

    So for me, it was like "blah, blah, blah, I have Al Davis, blah blah, and Shawne Merriman, blah, blah blah, Merrill Hodge is a dick."

    And that was enough to ablsolute love this piece!

  2. errr...that wass supposed to be "I hate Al Davis..."

  3. Nah, Alba, we all know you and Al Davis have some Brookeback Mountain-esque thing going on.

    Why can't you quit him?

  4. what can I say?

    I guess I'm just a sucker for wrinkley old millionaires in white jumpsuits!