Thursday, May 24, 2007

Real Men Don't Eat Keyshawn

Lord, have mercy. Keyshawn Johnson retired.

[cue applause]

That's not a bad thing. After 11 NFL seasons, a Super Bowl ring, three Pro Bowls, the status of being the #1 pick of the draft -- he has enjoyed a great football career. I can respect that.

The worst thing I heard today is that ESPN hired him as a pregame analyst.

[cue giant sucking wind sound]

I am honestly dreading these broadcasts. He was annoying enough as a player, when it wasn't his job to talk and form a respectable opinion. But now....?

I can see it already - "Just Gimme the Damn Microphone!" should hit the shelves this summer. His gameday co-analysts will struggle for their due face time as he rambles about things he imagined did on the field. When asked about another player in the game, Johnson will somehow answer the question by talking about himself. And someone, at some point, will goad him into saying something offensively stupid.

Lord, have mercy.

Here's a little bonus Keyshawn for those that have forgotten about his wonderful personality:


  1. Perhaps he submitted that audio clip as proof of his experience in broadcast media??

    I guess when you're hired to replace Michael Irvin, the bar is set kind of low.

    At least he doesn't have a laundry list of drug allegations in his past like his predecessor, and he can't POSSIBLY come off as more arrogant or less intelligent.

    Or could he?

  2. Based strictly from his NFL draft media experience I see him not doing much of anything. In fact I'd imagine he'll say something really stupid like Irvin and not have his contract renewed, but it won't be the constant barrage of idiocy.

    Oh, and in case you didn't know, I heart you bitches. Hell, I may even write something.

  3. Holy crap, there are big big titties on the right side! God I missed you guys... sniff