Thursday, May 24, 2007

Who the Fuck Is Buying These Fatheads?

Like reaching down in the back of the cab, only to find out that the hot chick that's been hitting on you all night in the bar has a dick, I find my regular morning interlude with NFL Network equally as abruptly interrupted by these freaking Fathead commercials. Even more so now that they've got the raspy voiced and delicious Alex Flanagan hosting the show.

(Down "little alba", not now, we're concentrating on a rant!)

Who the fuck is buying these Fatheads, and why in the name of all that is holy hasn't that company gone tits-up by now? Last I checked, it'll cost you $100 for the cheesey team helmet edition, or $120 if you want to get your favorite player. I mean, does the American sports fan REALLY have that much disposable income, to be ordering these over-priced, over-sized ColorForms on steriods for their kids? Or perish the thought, are grown men buying these things for themselves?

Dude, it's bad enough you had to buy the triple-XL Roethlisberger jersey to fit over your 40-year old beer gut, but is that chain-smoking, polyester wearing, fatass of a wife of yours REALLY letting you put up a FatHead in your double-wide?

My guess is that the company was started by Uselessberger and his extra-terrestrial friend Torry Holt, as their the only two pitchmen I see for the product 20 or 30 times every SportsCenter. And if they don't own the company, who was the Marketing-school drop out to choose these two to be the face of the product? If there was any backbone to truth in advertising laws, these things should be named DickHeads!

If I had my way, I'd go all Colonel Kurtz and search the villages across this nation, chopping off the vaccinated arms of anyone who owned a Fatass! Better yet, throat-tie them all to a bamboo cage and drop Chef's fathead in their laps as I casually walk by. That would be GREAT!

Man, I hate these things enough that in 10 years or so, I won't care if the Presidential candidates smoked a little grass, or got hummers from overweight interns as much as I'll have a burning desire to know if they've ever purchased or possessed a fathead. That my friend, is going to cost somebody the Whitehouse. Mark my words.

I live for the day that this company goes the way of the Pet Rock and the Flowbee, and I don't have to see Big Has-Ben or Torry Big-Lame Holt's mug in my TV screen every morning, at least 10 times and hour, while I'm getting ready for work.

And if they aren't going out of business, might I suggest the female sportscaster line, and put in my reserve order for one of the first Alex Flanagan's that roll off the Taiwanese assembly line? Heck, make it a double and send a Suzy Kobler over to my friend Captain Caveman.

Oh yeah, and Alex my dear, I've got a life-sized purple fathead waiting for you when you arrive!


  1. Oh, dear lord, this made my morning. Fatheads suck.

  2. I'll be that those who wear blonde wigs have one!

  3. stephenHAWKing5/24/2007 11:07:00 AM

    Fathead commercials suck in unbelievably imaginitive ways, but the NFL Network commercial that makes me want to lick the inside of my own colon, is the 'America's Game' spot.

    Seeing Bill Cowher get all teary eyed because his daughter is too fucking stupid to recognize a robbery when she sees one, makes me want to climb into John Madden's bus and take out his whole fucking family.

  4. Dear Mr. Hawking -

    In the words of every piece of mail I receive from the VISA corporation, "you have been pre-approved for membership...please reply immediately!"

    America's Game is actually a pretty good segment, and I would readily lick the colon (and all other internal organs) of young and confused maiden Cowher.

    But you're right, having to sit and watch that commercial is a travesty of the utmost magnitude.

  5. I can't believe you have a problem with the Flowbee...


  6. To hell with the flowbee, I can't believe nobody's given me props on the bouncing jugs videos.

    No appreciation uh tall!

  7. stephenHAWKing5/24/2007 02:09:00 PM

    Saw a video of Alba jogging once.

    I thought I was watching 'The Man Show - Ugly Edition'. Just about put me off tits forever.

    Just about...

  8. Man, I hear you, albaNY Hawker, I see those commercials all the time, too, but, honestly, I love me some custom fatheads from Wallhogs. On Mother's Day, I got my mom a BIG ugly BIG scott cutout of my face for safely sticking to the wall and I am about to order some of my 2 English Springer Spaniel dogs for my house.

    What can I say? Once you go BIG you never go back!

    Scott at Wallhogs

  9. I saw that video, too - but I thought it was a documentary on the '1979 Feed Lot Earthquake'.

  10. KUDOS to Big Scott for working in a Spam link in a non-spam topical way.

    Dude, do you have Google searches set up for any article that mentions FatHead just so you can drop in on the site to pimp your company.

    Or did you read my post and throw together that website and idea, which is actual kind of ingenius?

    Honestly, if I was going to overspend for an over-sized colorform for my home, I'd prefer it be one of my beautiful kids, nothing against Mrs. Alexander's boy, you know!

    Now, if you really wan to avoid the label of Spammer, Mr. Big Scott, I fully expect you to hang around for the next 30 days and leave at least one non-spam comment on each new post between now and then.

    Are you up for the challenge, or are you just another dickhead?

  11. Bloof said...
    To hell with the flowbee, I can't believe nobody's given me props on the bouncing jugs videos.

    Oh my gawd!

    I'm an instant tennis fan thanks to that little widget on the blog.

    And do you think the Price Is Right ushers intentionally seat the large chesters in the back row so they can get maximum camera bounce time as the lope up to jiggle in front of Monty??!!

    Good stuff.

  12. Nice Monkey-style rant. I make it my policy, some of you know this, to never watch commercials. However, on the odd occasion I have seen a Fatheads ad or two. These look like something the dumbest guy in my class would buy; a guy who was a year older than the next-oldest person in class, a 33 year-old guy who currently checks in his father's grocery store for a living. I could see his type--(Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Oakland)--owning a Fathead, but not really anyone else. I guess, since these probably cost $15-25 to print, they carry a decent profit margin. Nice idea, but rather limited in efficacy.

    - Citizen K

  13. Sorry, but the only thing I got out of that is that you like it monkey-style.

  14. I was pretty sure stephenhawking was citk...

    Dig the new format where anything goes but still mostly a Seahawk site.

    When was the last time you found a dick under a skirt alb?

  15. i ordered one for my husband, actually. we have a game room with all kinds of sports things.. it is a LOT larger than i had thought, but it looks good anyway.

    although i agree, the commericals do suck.

  16. OK, I saw this rant, and although you have made me laugh, I have to let you know that (at the risk of sounding like spam) I have taken the idea from Fatheads and started a business making the same thing but custom...just like that guy who posted from wallhogs. Mine is called, and I hope people who hate Fatheads actually like the idea of having their kids, or their dog, or car blown up for thier wall. I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, because although I could use the money and the business, I'm not doing this for the "spam"...more for the concept that Fathead, as much as they are annoying, have helped many of us start new businesses. Hey, its the American way! So far so good...people really seem to like custom Fatheads...maybe even more than the original thing.

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