Welcome to the 12 Seahawks Street version of the Obituary Page, NFL style.
So far two NFL GMs have either stepped down or been given the boot, and rumor has it that Brian Billick is receiving last rites in Baltimore. [edit: no call from the Maryland Gov'ner]
Check back throughout the day as more head coaches and front office personnel are sent to the gallows. Feel free to use the Comments section to write your own eulogy for any of the dearly departed.
I'll admit it. That headline is just a thinly veiled justification for posting this picture. Anyone else smell fish?
Anyhow, the Seahawks are the only NFC contender who still does not know who they'll be lining up against in the playoffs. The suddenly resurgent Redslurs are the odds on favorite to be visiting the Pacific Nortwest, since they control their own destiny, but the Viking and Saints are still breathing on life-support, hoping their HMO doesn't pull the plug this weekend.
So who are you rooting for?
All the Redskins need to do is win and they're in. Some Seahawks faithful want to have the Redskins come back to Qwest field to lay another beat-down on them like we did in 2005, but even the most casual fan knows this year's version is nowhere near as dominant as that team. The Redskins seem to be peaking just at the right moment, and Todd Collins is playing more like a top 10 draft pick than someone who hasn't started in 10 years. Besides, there is that payback thing from 2005 for extra motivation.
Speaking of payback, the Saints are the only potential opponent that we already played this season, and the last time they visited Qwest, the came away with their first win of the season in a 28-17 Bushfest (I mean Reggie, not the graphic above). For the Saints to make a return trip to Seattle, they need to Redskins and Vikings to lose. As much as I'd like the Seahawks to get a chance to avenge their only home field loss, especially since they'll be without their two most potent weapons from that contest, Reggie Bush and Boone Stutz, this would force me to pull for both the Cowboys and the Broncos, which is way too much for any Seahawk fan to bear.
Which leaves us the Vikings. Yes, the Steve Hutchinson poison-pill sleezeballs that also came into Qwest last season and knocked out Hasselbeck for more than a month. Those Vikings. I'd love for them to get a sniff of playoff hope only to have the Seahawks dismantle and destroy their hopes and dreams, and since we've already exacted our revenge against the Bears, rooting for them to knock out the Saints won't turn my stomache too badly.
So I don't care who we play in the first round, because I'm not ascared of either the Redskins, the Vikings or the Saints.
But all that being said, there 'taint no way I'm cheering for the Cowboys.
Congratulations to Frank C and HLD, our two first place finishers in the Commentapalooza, who each won a Seahawks Zero Degree jacket by Reebok. Consolation prizes of a Ravens Zero Degree wool caps go to EagleHawk and CedarIsGreat.
All the comments were great, so the winners were decided by random draw, supervised by my seven and nine year old kids, since the representatives from Price-WaterHouse-Coopers had the day off.
So that everyone is a winner, and nobody leaves without a gift, I offer to you two new Seahawks-themed Christmas Carols, one for the offense and one for the defense.
This week's guest Enemy Blogger is Rexx from the Baltimore Beat Down, although it's unclear whether the Ravens will be administering or absorbing said Beat Down! As you can see, Rexx has a little more fight in him than our past few guest Enemy Bloggers, as well as the suddenly toothless Ravens. Enjoy his responses and feel free to add your own two-cents via the Smartass Comments.
1. The Seahawks just lost last week to the Carolina Panthers, a 6 win team, four of which came against NFC West opponents. The Ravens are a 4 win team, three of which have come against NFC West opponents. Do you think the Ravens have any chance at completing the sweep at Qwest field on Sunday?
REXX: Not at all. The Ravens are a team with so many issues, both on the field and the sidelines. If we couldn't beat a winless team after leading by 10 at halftime, how in the world could anyone, even a rabid Ravens fan, expect us to beat a division leader in a tough environment?
2. The Ravens have been on a steady decline since Jamal Lewis went to prison for drug dealing and Ray Lewis was key figure in the Super Bowl murders. With your team's need at the position, and his current legal issues, wouldn't Mike Vick be a perfect fit to be the next signal caller for the Purple and Black?
REXX: Puh-lease! Jamal Lewis served his time for what he did BEFORE he was a Raven, and Ray Lewis was an innocent bystander, although he made a poor choice of whom to hang around with. Hopefully, the Ravens will get a better look into their QB future, as the rookie Heisman Trophy winner from THE Ohio State University, Troy Smith, gets his first NFL start. The next two games should determine whether the Ravens QB is on the roster or awaiting them in the Draft.
3. Brian Billick was seen blowing kisses at Rodney Harrison during the heart-breaking loss to New England. What sort of non-verbal message to you think he's got planned for this game, and to which Seahawk player will it be directed?
REXX: Hey, when Harrison stepped out of line and taunted Kyle Boller and the Ravens sideline, even according to the Pats fans I've spoken with, he got what he deserved - a little Billick "love!" He's seemed to lost control of the team, and doesn't have the total respect that a coach needs from his players. He's certainly lost it with the fans and media. However, he signed a four year, $20 million extension last offseason, and with three years and $15 million still on the table, he'll definitely be on the sidelines again in 2008.
4. Speaking of that game, all the pundits were describing it as your "super bowl." Now that it is a few weeks later, and Seattle is pretty far West, is this the closest that most Raven's players will get to a "pro bowl?"
REXX: Four Ravens made the Pro Bowl this year (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Terrell Suggs, Jonathon Ogden). How many Seahawks made it? The Ravens went 13-3 last year, what was the Seahawks record last year? Seattle is a decent team and could put a scare into either Dallas or Green Bay if they are overlooked. However, even the Seahawk fans know the only reason you guys make it to the playoffs on a regular basis is that you play in the weakest division in the league and virtually have no competition. Try that in the AFC! Oh that's right, you were in the AFC for a while and NEVER made the playoffs! So there!
5. Ray Lewis, still the aging face of the franchise, is best known for his nickname of "Sugar" while Seattle is best know for its constant and persistent precipitation. Can you remind me what happens to sugar when it gets wet?
REXX: Ray has been in the NFL for over 10 years and no one in Baltimore has ever heard him referred to as "Sugar." (?) However, everyone slows down a little after 10 years in the toughest position in the league. At the same time, even after all the wear and tear on him, there's still not another middle linebacker in the entire NFL that I'd rather have patroling the middle. Tatupu and Peterson are very good defensive players, but neither could carry Ray's jockstrap. His heart, fire and leadership ability make him a first ballot Hall of Famer and in my humble opinion, is the greatest middle linebacker to ever lace them up!
You have to hear it from the lips and strings of DT Craig Terrill.
Stood Up By The Stones
Don't fret about it, Craig. Mick Jagger is an overrated queer who thinks his home is visited by aliens, and even had a UFO dectector installed in his estate. Keith Richards is a walking, singing, freebasing scrotum that one day decided to snort his father's ashes instead of coke.
Yeah, no shit. Those guys are wacked. Just a bunch of hobos with money. And fame. And probably plenty of poon. (Or anus sphincter, in Mick's case.) Regardless, it is the Stones who should be asking for Terril's autograph, not the other way around.
Terrill may be honestly headed in that direction, having just released his first CD, titled "CT", which can be bought for $10 directly from Terrill's MySpace page.
The CD includes 12 songs (all originals) written by Terrill. He's certainly no stranger to music, as he's been playing guitar since the age of 13 and played in the classic rock cover band, "The Strangers", while attending Purdue University. Craig has also performed at the House of Blues in both Chicago and Orlando with The Herding Cats. He also played with Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen's band when they opened for Seal at the Wamu Theater in Seattle. And last season he performed the national anthem prior to the Seahawks' playoff game against the Cowboys last January.
I have to admit, I'm usually a sceptic when it comes to stars crossing over into music, where Miami Vice douchebag Don Johnson owns the title for "Worst. Music. Video. Ever. With Significant Airtime." Hillary Duff and Jennifer Love Hewitt moderately held my interest for three minutes, but I am just as entertained with the TV on mute, and even more by porn. I can actualy listen to Terrill.
What are you waiting for? Go listen to his album. If you've had the privilege of hollering at the opponents at Qwest field, you'll get a charge out of "12th Man Scream."
One of the guiding principles of 12 Seahawks Street, besides crass humor and intermittent postings, is that this would forever be a non-commercial blog. While we've had offers over the years from a variety of different vendors looking to use our blog to scalp tickets or pimp their products, we've always steadfastly refused.
Until now.
While we're not going to start displaying ads on 12 Seahawks Street, we got the proverbial "offer we couldn't refuse" from the marketing department of Reebok, who is trying to get the word out about their new Zero Degree line of products.
What could be so compelling as to force Bloof and Alba to abandon their core values and bow to the pressures of Madison Ave. you ask?
FREE STUFF!
Much to our surprise, a box arrived at both of our undisclosed locations containing one Seahawks jacket (as pictured) and one Ravens knit cap. Being selfless, fan-first blogging altruists, we of course couldn't just keep this gelt for ourselves, instead deciding that we would have to give it away to our faithful readers in some contest form.
Besides, the jackets were too small for us to keep for ourselves!
So here it is. The 12 Seahawks Street Commentapalooza with two Seahawks Jackets (one L one XL) and two Ravens knit caps as the prizes. Use the comments section below as your entry form, according to this set of arbitrary rules:
1. Each entry must contain a well thought out argument as to who will win this Sunday's show-down between the Playoff-bound Seahawks and the Just-lost-to-the-winless-team Ravens. Smack talk is encouraged.
2. Your entry must include your name/screen name. If you do not wish to leave your email address with your comments, you can send a private email to albanyhawker@yahoo.com referencing your name/screen name. This is how we will contact you to let you know if you won. (Email addresses will not be shared with Reebok or any other party, and will not be used for any other purpose.)
3. Your entry (or email) should identify which Seahawks jacket you would want should you win (the L or XL) or if you'd prefer the Ravens hat.
4. The winner will be decided by me and Bloof and all decisions of the judges are final!
I know anything on the internet that seems too good to be true usually is, but this is for real. Feel free to share this link on other Seahawks / Ravens forums and encourage your fellow fans to represent.
Welcome to another installment of the Five Questions series. Those who are familiar with this running bit may notice something awry in this week's edition. For newbees, and Panther fans who may not have figured it out, I'll be more direct. This week there are no aswers.
Granted, I wa a little late floating this idea by a couple of the guys at the PanterCoalition.com site, and I thought they would play along, but as of Sat. evening, there were no responses in my email account.
Not sure if they're busy in the ladies room at their local tavern watching the TopCats practicing their new routine, but I hate to see these five gems go to waste. So, I'm going to open it up to the full membership at PantherCoalition, and welcome my faithful readers to share this link on other sites, so we can get these important and probing questions answered.
Answer one or answer them all, just remember to include the Question number in your comments, so we know which one you are responding to.
I'll select some of the best responses and paste them under the questions below.
And if any Panter Fan wants to send me a set of similar Five Questions regarding the Seahawks, I'll be more than happy to provide you responses for your site/blog.
1. This is the season where wide-eyed youngsters put their faith in a fat old man to bring them gifts and joy. Is that how it feels being a Panther fan watching Vinny Testaverde line up under center?
2. The Carolina QBs have combined to throw 15 interceptions so far. Last week, Marcus Trufant got three against Arizona, and the week before Lofa Tatupu got three against Philadelphia. Since the Panther offense seems to agree that it's much better to give than to receive, how many INTs do you think they'll serve up this weekend?
3. Speaking of Lofa Tatupu, do you think the ringing in Nick Going's ears has stopped yet from the hit he absorbed in the 2005 NFC Championship game?
4. Former Seahawk Ken 'a brotha get paid' Lucas has been somewhat of a disappointment since his big free agent signing in 2004. How many passes do you think he gives up on Sunday to our backup QB/partime WR?
5. The Panthers have also give up 27 sacks in just 13 games. What do you think they need to do to stop the NFL Sack Leader, Patrick Kerney, who last Sunday, spent more time in the Cardinal backfield than Edgerrin James?
I'm way late on this, but considering the post below mine is more or less a game preview...well...
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: NFC WEST CHAMPIONS.....AGAIN.
I don't care if the NFC West has been the kid's table of the NFL the past few seasons. At the table, we are the twelve year old and this is our goddamned turkey leg. You (and I'm looking at you Torri, Alex, and Kurt) cannot have it. You can have the white meat, for its all you can handle.
I'm sure some fan from another team will come in here and blast Seahawk fans for being arrogant. Don't care. I'm doing what I call "enjoying the ride". Those of us that were fans of the club its inception (or, for me at least, since the mid 80s) I think each one of these division titles means a bit more. Remember when Rick Mier was the answer at quarterback? Yeah, it was THAT bad. So, sorry for being "arrogant". Even after four years, we're still kind of new to this whole winning division title things.
Who knows what this playoff season will hold, but the important thing is that the Seahawks are involved. Let's do this thing.
Whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas or Kwanza, everyone can agree that this is the season for gift giving, like the victory we handed the Cardinals in Week Two.
What I've noticed over the years though, is that the gifts I buy for other people are usually the things I would want myself, thus explaining the cordless drill I gave my wife on our anniversary (as well as the 3/8th diameter scar on my left thigh).
My point is, when I read the finely crafted Five Questions that AOL Cardinals Blogger Dan Benton sent to me, I thought it was very generous of me to paraphrase them and give them right back to him, which might explain any similarities between his blog piece and the item below.
1) I don't really want to start this with a question ... just a statement. THREE in a row! Mmm, yeah. Let that sink in.
DB: Three wins over the Seahawks in a row would be pretty sweet, let me tell you. luckily for you, you won't have to hear from me again until these two teams meet in the playoffs. At which point, I can only assume you'll stop returning my e-mails.
2) Do these games make you sweat any more? They used to be difficult on an Arizona heart, but with winning the past two games against the Seahawks, and beating teams the Seahawks lost to, like the Steelers and Browns, you're probably pretty confident about Sunday, right?
DB: Some teams play with talent, others with heart. And while the injuries concern me, the Cardinals aren't giving up. There have been plenty of times this season where they could have packed it in, but instead they opted to battle back and keep themselves in this thing.
Now, with their fate in their own hands, I have 100% faith that Arizona will return to the playoffs for the first time since ... well... yeah.
3) Looking ahead to Sunday, what concerns you about Seattle? And don't say everything!
DB: Don't say everything? No problem, because my answer would have been nothing.
The Seahawks have not been impressive this year and Shaun Alexander looks like he's running on empty. Not to mention, the team has really had their hands full in the last few weeks, barely beating the Bears, Eagles and Rams; all of whom are far worse than the Cardinals.
But if I had to pick any one thing, it'd be the crowd. Then again, who doesn't get worried by an extremely large gang of stumbling drunks? The only thing worse is Eagles fans.
4) Here's one I haven't asked you before. If you could pick another player off the Seahawks and add them to the Cardinal roster, who would it be and why?
DB: It would be Shaun Alexander because the Cardinals need a quality third string running back. J.J. Arrington hasn't been what Arizona hopes for, so Shaun would settle in nicely behind Edgerrin James and Marcel Shipp.
Actually, we could take Matt Hasselbeck as well. With Matt Leinart already down with injury and Kurt Warner always on the brink of being hurt, a clipboard carrying third-stringer could be very useful.
5) Prediction time! How bad will it taste when the Seahawks beat Cardinals and wrap up their fourth consecutive NFC West title?
DB: Well, if the Seahawks do find some way to pull this out -- which I don't think they will -- I'll be OK with it. That would just give the Cardinals more motivation to go into Seattle and knock the Seahawks out of the playoffs.
That said, the Cardinals will probably win this game, end up winning the division and knock the Seahawks out of the playoffs anyway.
Yeah ... that sounds much better. As for a score? I'll say ... Cardinals 24 - Seahawks 21 in overtime.
Hoo-boy! What a game. Rife with sub-plots of the quest for perfection, conspiracy theory and referee incompetence, this was a Monday night game for the ages. Bloggers and news-monkeys are babbling everywhere about these topics, completely ignoring what I think is the most compelling drama of the contest.
What the hell did Rodney Harrison say to Brian Billick? What made BB suddenly mouth sultry, sexy air-kisses, not once, but three times in succession?
Hmm. There are a few possibilities.
Congenial:
RH: Hi, Brian. How are you today?
BB: [Kiss, kiss, kiss.]
Amorous:
RH: Dammit, Brian. I miss you. I miss you real bad, like a ho misses crack. Can I have you tonight?
BB: [Kiss, kiss, kiss.]
Humorous:
RH: Hey, Brian, what do you think of Rosie O'Donnell?
BB: [Kiss, kiss, kiss.]
Vile:
RH: Brian, I was wondering... How did you feel when you first saw 2girls1cup.com?
BB: [Kiss, kiss, kiss.]
Homozygous:
RH: Brian! Pretend I'm your sister!
BB: [Kiss, kiss, kiss.]
NFL-kakke:
RH: Brian, it's raining semen. What do you do?
BB: [Kiss, gulp, kiss.]
An hour ago, this was all funny in my head. Think you can do better? Let's hear it.
Last week, I really figured we lose this one. The 10am kickoff, the lousy pass protection the week before, the fact that two blowouts may spell a letdown, not to mention Shaun Alexander bringing his miserable YPC back to the team -- it had my nutsack in a bunch, to say the least.
But what did I learn?
1/2 Morris + 1/2 Alexander = One competent running back.
The opening drive showed some real creativity in an effort to keep Philly off balance. In the red zone, we saw a triple-tight end power formation, but a play-action pass attempt to (gasp) Tom Ashworth. After that, we saw a pass formation, but it was a run to the left by Alexander. Woooo, tricky stuff there, Mike.
I don't know how much to hate on RG Chris Gray. He gets physically overwhelmed several times per game, and makes me yell at the TV. But then he goes and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF when fills in perfectly for a nicked C Chris Spencer. I almost wonder if they shouldn't switch positions, since Gray calls the blocking assignments anyway. Which makes me wonder -- Is Spencer retarded? Guards shouldn't need to make those calls.
'Pork Chop' Womack filled in well for Walter Jones, and later on, Chris Gray when Spencer went out--and his effectiveness also nearly baffled me. But then I thought about the sloppy conditions, and realized that this was a perfect game for him. Quickness was absolutely not necessary. But if this were played in a dome, this Pork would have been smoked.
Mo Morris' TD run was cool. Not just for the last juke that sealed the points, but the blocking was great. Big Walt was the anchor, Pollard made a great seal on the end, But Leonard Weaver took a linebacker and a defensive end in one diving assault.
Should Engram be considered for the Ring of Honor? We already have a lot of candidates on this team -- Hasselbeck, Alexander, Strong, Jones, and if he keeps it up, Tatupu. But what about Bobby? I would hate to see him overlooked. I love that guy. Without him, this season is in the toilet. Without him, a several previous seasons are in the sewer.
Lofa Tatupu is a freak. You saw the highlight reel. Smartest defensive player I've ever seen. It's uncanny. If we took his brain and heart and planted it in, say, LaVar Arrington's body, offenses as we know it would cease to exist. At least until Roger Goodell made it illegal to be LaVar Tatupu.
Rocky Bernard is a baller. He just doesn't get enough credit for all the havoc he wreaketh. It was good to see him get a little credit on the goal line stand.
Speaking of goal line stands-- this defense is damn good at them. They make good reads (thanks again, Lofa) and play it right. I have a feeling this is going to come in handy in five weeks or so.
That's all I got for now. I need to take a shit. Discuss.
Hold on to your Chistmas lists and wallets, ladies and germs. 12 Seahawks Street is joining forces with Catalyst Public Relations to bring you a bunch of free stuff from Reebok's Zero Degrees line of NFL apparel.
This is not a joke.
You can check out some of the free stuff on ESPN's online store here. Alba and I have already received a sampling of some of the gear - the Reebok Men's NFL Centurion Midweight White Jacket you see pictured above. We've got one large and another XL for right now.
The only thing to figure out is how to make you earn it. Stay tuned.
Actual well-thought ideas taken in the comments.
[Special thanks to the egregiously-hot Robyn at Catalyst Public Relations. (At least she sounds sexy over the phone.)]
Last year we would have rejoiced at this topic. This year, I clutch my Seahawks Foam Head with trepidation. Seahawks Insider reports that Mike Holmgren intends to put Shaun Alexander back in the lineup against the Eagles this Sunday.
But this will be in a seriously reduced role, right? Not so fast. Holmgren also indicated that backup RB Mo Morris sprained his ankle last week against the Rams, and that may mean Shaun will be falling in front of defenders, swatting down passes, and blocking like a turnstile for most of the game.
To borrow a sissified expletive from Mike Holmgren: My goodness. What a bizzarre game. Sloppy play and miscues kept Seattle running erratically like a nitrous-injected Yogo with sugar in the tank. Injuries and ineptitude kept St. Louis from sustaining anything outside of the errant gifts Seattle gave them, like a hobo winning a grand prize drawing for a Cadillac and immediately crashing it it into a highway divider.
At least the game was entertaining. How so?
Things that made me laugh.
Lofa Tatupu tackling Steven Jackson by the hair. That never gets old.
After Jackson's 53 yard touchdown romp, he awkwardly jumped up to perform the St. Loser version of the 'Lambeau Leap'. Since there was a high railing, he had to jump, grab and climb like he didn't belong in Shawshank. So a crowd mobbed him with love, right? Wrong. Let's just say there is one very happy dude in St. Loser that will have memories of Steven Jackson patty-cake coitus for the rest of his life.
A concussed Mark Bulger trying to force a shovel pass into a pile of linemen. Yes, I would say he is impaired at that point.
Gus Frerotte's face.
Things that made me say 'what the fuck?'
The rediculous blitzes coming after Hasselbeck, and the lack of running play calls to keep it honest. Really. If Holmie doesn't start calling more run plays, he'll be calling in a stretcher for Hass.
Claude Wroten grabbing Rob Sims' helmet by the face mask and throwing it 25 yards downfield -- without a penalty.
Rob Sims' cavalcade of missed assignments.
Nate Burelson's mishandling of near everything.
Josh Brown kicking like he's still full of turkey.
Things that made me cheer.
Seattle's defense continuing to make plays despite how the offense hung them out to dry for 35+ minutes.
Josh Wilson killing that kickoff return. Actually, I love the blocking on that play even more.
Leonard Weaver moving a pile for 4 yards. You know Holmgren will be calling that again soon. It's one of Mack Strong's old staples, but I don't recall Weaver getting the call. Hopefully we'll see more dives like this in his future.
Mo Morris breaking a big run. How long has it been since we've seen something like that? How long is my dick?
Thanks for reading. Good luck with the post-turkey-day-work-blues.
Since this is a Seahawks blog, and I'm an unabashed homer, you won't find the old faithful Health, Family and World Peace in the list below. Well, to be honest, George Bush is mainly to blame for the World Peace omission, but you get the point.
Anyhow, as I sit here trying to think of a new post to appease JoSCh, with my Seahawks 6-4 with a one game lead on the NFC West, here are the things for which I am thankful:
* The Seahawks are 6-4 with a one game lead in the NFC West (aren't you paying attention?) * Mike Holmgren decided not to cut Leonard Weaver after a lackluster preseason * DirecTV, Sunday NFL Ticket and SuperFan, even though my monthly TV expenses now exceed heating my house * The fact that I fully expect the Seahawks to win every game they play * Mike Holmgren finally realizing that a banged up Shaun Alexander is as useful as a knocked up hooker. (unless you're into that kind of thing) * Darrel Jackson, Ken Hamlin, and Jerramy Stevens having the word Former- attached to their Seahawk tenure * Attending my second game at Qwest field and being entertained by another Nate Burleson return for a TD while lambasting the Rams * Tim Ruskell, Paul Allen and Mike Holmgren who have put this franchise on the map and built a perennial playoff contender * Not having co-bags on the roster such as Adam Jones, Mike Vick or most any Bengal * NFL Network, not only for the 24x7x365 football fix, but for Total Access and their mostly non-white hosting crew * The friends I've made through this blog and at SeahawkBlue.com - making meeting strange men via the internet not such an icky thing * ProFootballTalk, Kissing Suzy Kobler, With Leather, and icanhazcheeseburger, the other sites I visit religiously * No longer having to apologize or explain why I've been a life-long fan of the Seahawks
That's all I got for now, feel free to add your own in the comments.
Once again, as your trusted Seattle Seahawks spiritual advisor, we delve into the supernatural, bringing you hyper-glowing enlightenment, guaranteed to make your game bets safe*.
One item of note: 12 Seahawks Street is non-denominational, meaning everyone is right! Diverse views will be expressed, and, of course, they all will prove true.
On to the current topic: Will recently departed Dick Nolan wield his influence from the afterlife, affecting the outcome of 49ers @ Seahawks? Let's examine the issue from several theological angles:
Family Circusism
You know the story -- Billy's grandpa dies. His looming ghost does cute little things from heaven, and is readily involved in the day-to-day affairs of the family--especially the grandson, Jeffy. One problem with this scenario -- the deceased grandfather in The Family Circus appears, albeit in heaven, to be in the same old, gray, wretched condition that he was at the time of death.
This notion does not bode well for the Nolans, for the elder coach suffered late in life from Alhezeimer's. One could only imagine what dunderheaded meddling would occur if 'pops' decided to intervene tonight, given his condition. Causing fumbles on the wrong team, making the wrong guys trip--heck, he may not even recognize his son and strike him blind.
Expect a lot of sloppy play in this matchup.
Shazamism
The most awesome of all these thoelogies, Shazamism invloves the central character procuring super powers and existential wisdom from a bunch of Greek gods, and one dead Bible character named Solomon. He runs around with an old dude in a Winnebago and looks flashy by contrast.
How does this apply in this matchup? Look for Mike Nolan to seek guidance from his dead father, and get it. But don't be surprised if he fails at first, because there are lots of life lessons in this gig that he just has to learn from himself (all within 30 minutes, of course.) Not to mention the hedonistic influence of the rivals spirits -- those Greek gods were such selfish, manipulative pricks -- and likewise, I'm sure dead dudes like George Halas, Vince Lombardi, and Tom Landry will give the Nolans a wild ride.
Mike Nolan will be confused and pissed tonight, should this hold true.
God Healed My Footism
One of the more bothersome of the -isms, God Healed My Footism gathers complexity when the opponent has spirits on his side, too.
Take Shaun Alexander. God healed his foot last season, and he ran through Green Bay's defense on Monday night like they were cheese. And as long as Shaun has faith, high goals and works hard, there is no reason he shouldn't be able to rush for 2,000 yards and score 40 touchdowns this season.
This creates a huge obstacle for the 49ers - basically it forces Mike Nolan to have more faith than Alexander if he wants to have any hope of winning. And given his newfound incentive to believe in the afterlife, he may just do it.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Shaun Alexander has lost faith, and he is out for tonight's game with a knee injury.
Ohhhh... Shit.
Wonder Womanism
This one really has nothing to do with anything. I just found this bitchin' clip of some dude doing exactly what I wanted to do to Wonder Woman when I was seven years old. Pretty much all I knew about foreplay at the time. In fact, if any of the girls at school remember me, this was pretty much our regular routine at recess. Yes, I got sent to the office a lot.
Ahhh, the prepubescent boners of yesteryear...
Well, I hope I was a helpful guide. Enjoy the game.
*For entertainment purposes only. Do not place bets based on this information. That would be stupid.
Part of my morning ritual these days, aside from checking my RSS feeds and taking a glorious dump, involves watching Mike and Mike in the Morning via PVR from ESPN2 HD -- At least the first hour, anyway, because that's where all the good stuff is, and then I head to work.
Part of the usual programming on Mondays is a shameless, elongated pimping of their MNF matchup, complete with the team's helmets in the desk, dominating the army of bobbleheads scattered in meaningless formation.
But GET THIS -- No helmets today. Not only that, but nary a mention of this week's prime time game. It's as if this game is so abysmal, so bothersome, that ESPN has refused to invest any resources beyond what is contractually obligated.
There was one mention, however -- muttered in a speedy undertone, Mike Greenberg read from an 8.5" x 11" sheet the time and place of tonights game, and then commented on the passing of Mike Nolan's father. So, I guess, in their defense, you can say they talked about tonight's MNF coverage for 30 seconds.
After all, don't we know, tonights's play-by-play will be centered around the passing of Dick Nolan? Every other sentence, as if there were no football game taking place.
Which leads me to another facet of this rant-- Who in the hell are they going to bring in for their "celebrity distraction" interview? No way in hell is anyone famous and worth a stool sample going to step in for a moment in the spotlight, because there is none. The ratings will be in the toilet. Who will want to fly all the way up to Alaska for a five minute fellation? Gary Coleman? Dick Van Patten? Hillary Clinton?
The truth is, none of them. My best guess, it will be a relative of the recently departed, and MNF will become the Dick Nolan Funeral Hour.
1: The word of Bloof. 2: Hear this, ye old screaming fans, and give ear, all ye inhabitants of the hawks nest. Hath this been in your seasons, or even in the seasons of your fathers? 3: Tell ye your children of it, and let your children tell their children, and their children another generation. 4: That which Alexander hath left, Morris shall run; and that which LeRoy Hill hath left, Bentley will tackle; and that which the Holmgren hath left, Walrii shall gnash sardines. 5: Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of Bud; for it is not enough to help you forget. 6: For a lameass team is come up upon our stadium, weak, and with injuries, whose teeth are the teeth of an Englishman, and he hath the mouth parts of a great homosexual. 7: He hath laid our Kevin Bentley to waste, and rammed the ball through his pensive assignment: he hath made a driveway, and trodden through it; the tackles thereof have been ankle biters. 8: Lament like a virgin penetrated by the husband of her youth. 9: Be ye ashamed, O ye 12th man; howl, O ye bloggers, for the days of Knox; because the harvest of 2000 draft is perished. 10: The running back is dried up, and the offensive line languisheth; the great left tackle, the leader at center, and hall of fame fullback, even all the touchdown celebrations, are withered: because joy is withered away from the running game. 11: Gird yourselves, and lament, ye fans: howl, ye holders of the 12th man flag; come, lie all night in the parking lot, ye tailgaters of my team: for the meat offering and the drink offering is withholden from the house of Qwest. 12: Sanctify ye a fast, call a solemn assembly, gather the bloggers and all the forum dwellers of the land into the house of the 12th man, and cry aloud unto the field, 13: Alas for the day! for the day of the Seahawks is at hand, and as a destruction from the NFC West champs shall it come. 14: Is not the crimson and gold homosexuals cut off before our eyes, yea, joy and gladness from the house of our team? 15: The scrotum is rotten under their groin, their manhood is laid desolate, the fags are bewildered; for the penis is withered. 16: How do the 49ers groan! the quarterback is perplexed, because he has no clue; yea, the starting left tackle is injured. 17: The remaining left tackle of the field cry also unto thee: for he is a pussy, and he will be facing Tapp and Peterson. 18: Glory be unto our team. That is, of course, unless we have fourth and one.
I have a pattern that I follow after a Seahawks loss. For the first day (usually a Monday), I am inconsolable. The sky is falling, the world is ending, and depression just runs rampant. Then, I look for that light of hope. That single ray of optimism that will light my way until the next weeks game. This week, I found… the schedule.
We know that the hawks are not an elite team the way they’re playing right now. We know that unless something kickstarts them, they are most likely looking at a division title, and an early exit from the playoffs. Some people are worried about the team and it’s record being subpar enough to cause a major rule change, eliminating the automatic playoff bid for division winners. After looking at the schedule for the rest of the regular season, this is not a worry I share.
Week 10 San Francisco at Seattle Week 12 Seattle at Saint Louis Week 14 Arizona at Seattle
These three games, division games, should be easy wins. The division is down. The teams, especially the teams below the Hawks, are weak. The only game that should cause any concern is the Arizona game, but that will be in the Q, and should feature either an injured Kurt Warner, or the Timmy combination of Rattay and Hasselbeck. I see 3 wins.
Week 16 Baltimore at Seattle
Our sole remaining game against the AFC. Again, at the Q, and if any of you watched MNF last night, we shouldn’t feel bad about losing 21-0 in Pittsburgh, when Baltimore is down 35 – 0 before the end of the first half. I don’t see Baltimore escaping the Emerald city with a win. That team is bad.
Week 11 Chicago at Seattle Week 17 Seattle at Atlanta
These should be wins as well. Both of these teams have major issues at quarterback, both are very down in their division, both are more than beatable. Neither of these teams should be in any kind of playoff race, both should be jockeying for draft position. The Chicago game is something of a revenge game for the Hawks as a team, and the Atlanta game is something of a revenge game for the DB coach. Unless Seattle is comatose before the games, I see 2 wins here.
Week 13 Seattle at Philadelphia Week 15 Seattle at Carolina
These are the two games that make me nervous. These teams are most likely both going to be involved in wild card/division title races. They’re both schizophrenic teams that will play very tough one week, and very poorly the next. Seahawk fans have been conditioned to think that teams like these will for some reason play their best against Seattle. The fact that both games are on the east coast doesn’t help much at all. I’m hoping for 1 win out of these 2 games.
Looking at these teams, considering these factors, hoping for the change in offensive philosophy by the Walrus, I don’t see Seattle doing worse than 11-5. Anything under 10-6 should be a supreme disappointment.
With that kind of streak (7-1 or at worst 6-2) going into the playoffs, with a home game to start… who know what can happen!
Out of nowhere, I got an email last week from TheNaturalMevs who runs a Browns blog called TheNoseBleeds, wondering if I would be up for answering his Ten Questions regarding blogging and the upcoming game.
I then sent him an email describing the Five Questions for an Enemy Blogger series, and wondered if he would be so kind to reciprocate.
He was!
1. Cleveland gave up 20 points to the Rams, and 31 to the Dolphins, squeaking out victories against both winless squads. What changes do you expect your defense to make with a bonafide NFL offense comming to town?
At this point there is only so much the Browns can do,as it's more about personnel then the scheme when discussing the problem with this team's defense. D'Qwell Jackson is out this week and that hurts more than most people will realize. The problem mainly is that our defensive line fails to get pressure. If that unit was being graded in this league on terms of overall talent I think they'd be graded around D-minus talent there. Since we cannot penetrate and get pressure on the Quarterback, our secondary is being hit pretty hard with longer passes and we're once again atrocius to stopping the run. It's never been any different really since we came back into the league. Running backs have huge days against the Browns. Shaun Alexander vs. the run defense of the Browns is easily this game's most important matchup. If Alexander can have a day, the Seahawks offense will really flow through him and we'll have to outscore you guys to win. In short, they're going to really key on Alexander as most teams do and make Hasselbeck beat them by also not allowing the big play, just intermediate and short. Keep an eye on Kamerion Wimbley, our outside linebacker. He's having a sophomore slump thus far; so I could see him being a non-factor again.
2. With the emergence of Derek Anderson, I know you don't miss Charlie Frye, but tell me how much you miss having hard hitting safety Brian Russell roaming in the defensive backfield?
Yeah it's remarkable how much of a difference that Brian Russell made quietly here in Cleveland. I was excited about his replacement, Brodney Poole; but it's not the same. Poole has had to learn a new position and Russell was a seasoned veteran, the 'QB of this defense'. He brought a nasty and mean attitude and set the tone for the younger guys. It's funny because when he signed from Minnesota a few years back it was pretty ho-hum. When he was here he wasn't appreciated, and now finally that he is gone people are realizing what a good player he was. He's a poor man's John Lynch.
3. Jamal Lewis is having a down year, only having 443 on 94 carries for two TDs, as is Shaun Alexander, at 460 yards on 135 carres and two TDs. Which running back do you think will have a better day and why?
For the Browns recent fortunes at RB since 1999; this season is really being savored from Lewis. We've had only 1-1,000 yard back since the return. The buzz on having Lewis out there is very positive. He's running hard, he's worked his butt off and we finally have some semblance of a run game to hang our hat on. This is a really tough question. I'm going to say Alexander has a nice day in Cleveland. He'll get 21-110 and TD. Lewis goes 18-76 and without a TD.
4. When Joe Jurevicus was with the Seahawks, we nicknamed him the "unlucky hooker", because the dude caught EVERYTHING! What do Cleveland fans call him?
Haha that's classic. We all call him "JJ". It's honestly been awesome having him in Cleveland. Amazing story a few years back in Sports Illustrated about Joe's return home. Turns out he visits the grave of his fallen son each morning before his way to work. The guy is an absolute gamer, leader, and probably has top-5 receiving hands in the league. He's a huge reason Braylon Edwards is evolving into a star. JJ is on of my favorite Browns of all time already. He's been to a superbowl everywhere he has been, so hopefully he can help the Browns follow suit.
5. Two seasons ago, Joey Porter was famous for calling out Seahawks TE Jerramy Stevens during Super Bowl week. Last season, he made headlines for refusing to shake Brown's TE Kellen Winslow Jr.'s hand. How great is it that the loud mouthed a-hole is stuck playing for the winless Dolphins?
Is there a bigger loud-mouthed, ghetto-gutter rat a-hole than Joey Porter? I can't believe I actually wanted the Browns to acquire this guy at one point to replace Andra Davis. If I was Joey Porter I think I'd change my ways quickly, although we all know that won't happen. It's all been downhill since that Superbowl win for him, and things probably will continue on that trend for the remainder of his career. His Pro-Bowl days are long past him I believe.
Let’s face it. Many teams have run up the score. Even our beloved Hawks have been a little guilty of that at times. We’re always hoping that our team will “Hang 50 on ‘em”. The occasional embarrassment of one’s opponent is not something that is solely practiced in New England. The problem is the image that develops from this practice.
New England has long considered itself to be the class of the NFL. Stories of Tom Brady, Tedy Bruschi, Adam Vinatieri, and even turnaround stories like Corey Dillon’s have led the public to believe that this club was the model organization, a standard for which all other teams should strive. We’d hear occasional stories about Richard Seymour stepping on an opponents helmetless face, Rodney Harrison’s dirty hits, and Asante Samuel’s contract issues, and we’d push them aside. The good seemed to far outweigh the bad in Beantown. And that’s why it’s hard for us to accept this “class act” doing something as bush league as rubbing an opponents face in their shortcomings. It’s difficult to see and believe this dastardly act from the NFL’s Finest.
But we should have seen it coming.
In addition to the above issues, just this season the Patriots have drafted Brandon Meriweather, one of the main culprits in the Miami/Florida International brawl last season. Their best safety, Rodney Harrison, served a 4 game suspension for substance abuse. They signed proven malcontent Randy Moss, completely contradicting the “character first” mindset they claim. Their coach was involved in a video camera scandal, then claimed that it was a mistake, merely a different interpretation of the rules. And now, the Patriots are doing everything in their power to humiliate the rest of the league, as if the final scores will somehow vindicate them. They need to be stopped.
The only problem is that no team seems up to the task.
In an effort to jump start his sluggish offense, and send a message to both his recently inconsistent multi-million dollar signal caller, and the opposing sideline, Mike Holmgren is due to announce a new starting QB in this Sunday's contest against the Browns.
Charlie Frye is due to get the start in stadium where he was the opening day starter for Cleveland before being unceremoniously dumped after a pitiful loss to the visiting Steelers. Shortly thereafter, he was picked up by the Seahawks, who were looking for a viable 3rd string quarterback that would allow the multi-talented Seneca Wallace to get more involved in the offensive gameplan.
Now that plan has come full circle.
"Matt's a little dinged up, and frankly, can use a game to sit and watch and hopefully get his timing and rhythm back" said Holmgren after the second day of practice in which the perennial starter Hasselbeck didn't take a single snap. "We know Charlie can play. They know Charlie can play. We want to show them just how big a mistake they made in releasing him."
Wallace will be listed as the backup quarterback, allowing him to see time on the field at various positions, meaning Hasselbeck will be listed as inactive for the first time since coming to Seattle. "Sure it hurts" said the consummate professional, "but while all the fans have been booing Shaun, I know that my miscues and overthrows have derailed this team as much as our ineffective running game, so it is what it is." Besides, anyone who follows football knew that my days as a starter were numbered the day they signed Frye.
Reminded that the Browns and the Seahawks share similar 4-3 records, and the importance of this game to starting the stretch run to the play-offs, Holmgren was grilled by the local Seattle media about making such a risky change at a high profile position at this point in the season. "You should have known things were different when I started calling flea-flickers and WR option passes", explained the suddenly unpredictable coach, "That's just how I roll!"
So while the Seattle faithful will be holding their collective breath on Sunday, it remains to be seen whether it will be Browns fans or Seahawks fans who will exclaim "Thank God It's Frye-day" at the end of the game.
(SeahawkBlue + Camera - Wife) * Beer = These Pictures!
For some reason, I thought it would be fun to take pictures of everyone's asses during the Seahawk Blue Motherland II Get Together last weekend. Now that I'm sober, and have finished explaining ALL the pictures to my wife, I thought I should do something with them.
So, much like those Highlight magazines in the pediatrician's office, I give you the Match The Butts with the Screen Name contest!
The dierriers pictured below belong to: Kenber, HawkHeart, AZCHawk, Mrs. Winnie, OCLadyHawk, TC, ADP, Frank and OC's friend Susan. Use the comments section to match the photo to the screen name, and let's see who can get the most correct.
Even those who couldn't make the trip to Seattle for the Rams game can play, by consulting the Motherland Photo thread for hints!
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F)
G)
H)
I)
BONUS ROUND - AND DO I MEAN ROUND!
For bonus points, and without any hints, can you name the owners of these lovely racks??!!
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Don't forget - leave your best guesses in the comment section!
Thanks to last Sunday's 33-6 grass stain inducing beatdown of the Rams, I did not do make bourbon and Bayers. So, hats off to the Seahawks. Its the bye week, so I figured I'd be serious for a moment and discuss where the team stands. I was going to write this as a team, but we'll take it by unit instead.
Out of sixteen teams in the NFC, the Seahawks rank seventh both in total offense and defense. That suggests a middle of the road kind of team. Considering the NFC is improved this season, thats not a bad thing. Dallas and New York seem to be fairly legit contenders in the conference. Green Bay has had a nice season so far, I think in general the conference is much improved from a year ago.
That said, here's what alarms me. Arizona is ranked higher in both total offense (5 to 7) and defense (4 to 7). Seahawk fans take a dismissive view towards Arizona, and many wrote the week 2 loss off as an anomaly. It was a lack of communication, something that won't happen again.
However, as the weeks have gone by, it is evident that Seattle is not the elite team it used to be. The team has been inconsistent from week to week. I think this can be best evidenced by Matt Hasselbeck. Hass is fifth in the league in passing yards with 1,705. Thats more then Peyton Manning (granted, the Colts have had their bye week but Matt is comparable to Brett Favre and Carson Palmer who are considered to be having good years) yet, due in part to 61% completion rate (24th in the league) and an 88.7 qb rating (14th), Hasselbeck is still finding his stride this year.
Compare those numbers to 2005, where he completed 65% of his passes, and put up a rating of 98.2. The talk going into this season was that with the drop plagued Derrel Jackson gone and a season under his belt with Deion Branch and Nate Burleson that the offense would be back in high gear. Instead, its tied with the (brace yourselves) Chicago Bears in touchdowns scored.
A lot of that would have to do with the running game that has not been able to find a groove through seven games. Shaun Alexander averages 65.7 yards per game, not near where the team needs or wants him to be. As a whole, Seattle ranks 22nd in rushing offense, averaging 92 yards per contest.
The offensive line has seemed to have some trouble run blocking this year, and o line development needs to be stressed in this bye week. It all starts up front, to use the tired football cliche, and right now its not happening for Seattle. Twice against Saint Louis, the Seahawks settled for field goals on drives that began in enemy territory. Don't let the lopsided scoreline fool you, there is much work to be done with this offense.
We've played two straight weeks of absolutely terrible football. Once again, on this site, I am considering a campaign to name Ryan Plackemeier aka "Gus the Mule" team MVP.
He's the goddamn punter.
So, here we go. There are only two solutions for the season at this point.
Option 1:
Play the Rams. The Seahawks are actually going to do this. And I'm somewhat excited. St. Louis is 0-7 and are losing more people to injuries then the Taliban most teams do...
However, I'm also somewhat terrified because...well, I'm a Seahawks fan. Its my job to be terrified of completely winnable games.
So, should Seattle lose on Sunday that will leave us with one option.
Option 2:
+
Dear Seahawks,
For my personal safety...the two items listed above this note are in my apartment. Please don't tempt me on Sunday...I'd like to remember stuff. Like, living.
I'm not going to lie, I was more excited for this Sunday's game then I have been for most regular season games for a few seasons. Sure, I look forward to divisional games and yes the Bears game last year had a lot of build up.
But, the rematch of Super Bowl XL, the first big test of the season, a chance for Seattle to prove themselves.
Someone forgot to tell the boys though.
Take your pick as to why the Seahawks lost in the fashion they did. Matt Hasselbeck seemed to be pressing and was off all afternoon. The offensive line did a brilliant job of pass protection, but could not run block to save their lives. There was the defense who played admirably, but could not get off the field on third downs, and decided to not tackle at key points in the game.
What it boils down to though is that once again in a big game, the Seahawks wilted. it seems to happen year after year. Each season, a statement game pops up on the schedule, and with rare exception the Seattle tradition is to lose in spectacular fashion.
There was the 17-point 4th quarter meltdown against the Rams three seasons ago. There was was the Chicago game last year. Now, its the rematch that never was.
I have yet to check out SeahawkBlue today, but I can imagine some are suggesting that if this game was played in Seattle or if Matt had completed some key passes it would have turned out different. The time for excuses has long passed. Seattle needed a big road win today and did everything in within their means to eliminate themselves from the talk of elite teams in the league.
Why doesn't Seattle get talked about on NFL Live or given respect from the national media? Because this happens every season. The Seahawks may very well be one of the best teams in the conference, but unless they prove it against other contenders it isn't going to make a difference. This team is precieved that it can't win the big game because, well, it doesn't win the big game.
As a lifelong fan of the Seahawks, I have never quite gotten used to this, but can almost feel it before it happens. That doesn't make the loss feel less worse by any means, but those of us who followed this club before they moved to Qwest Field...well, didn't Sunday have an eerily similar feel to those early Mike Holmgren days?
We were outclassed by a team that we should be able to go toe to toe with. Call it lack of exectution, call it lack of passion, call it whatever you will. It all adds up to coming up empty in a statement game.
Here are several examples. Every one of them either infinitely retarded or completely basted in opprobrium.
1. Just what are you doing to the doll, and why are you filming it?
2. You really know how to party? No, you don't.
3. Why are you air fucking?
4. I can't imagine what makes a person do this. Nor do I want to.
5. What happens when you get 20 inbred fucktards in a room and hand them musical intsruments? Something like this.
Actually, it was sort of charming for a moment, in a white-trash Lawrence Welk sort of way. But then they sang something about the Seahawks and began speaking in tongues.
Man, I am feeling good today. I got my suit on, and all good things come in suits. Winning poker hands, penguins, and me.
I am the tits.
We're totally going to take that field and were going to do things in a classy way. We're going to look good, and look good while looking good. I probably just blew some Berkly fuckers mind. Yeah, the revolution will be televised. On FOX. With Tony Saragusa providing his own off-brand stlye of commentary.
Oh shit. Rocky Benard just landed on Alex Smith. Not cool, bro. Not cool. He's coached by a guy that is just wearing a polo! Where's the class in that! Maybe if I rub my tie on his shoulder it'll get better. In the mean time, its time for Trent Dilfer. The Browns didn't want him, this should go over well.
Oh, that's right. I gave Frank those silk gloves. Such a great accessory. I didn't even think about how that might affect his grip on the football. At least he looks good. Alex on the other hand, that ice pack is just tacky.
What the fuck. Matt Hasselbeck just went deep on us for a big play. He's BALD. When he does TV interviews, you can see the shine! Doesn't he know that there are creams for that! I cannot believe we are losing to such slobs. And, I'm sorry Mr. Branch, neon green is not in this year. Those gloves are awful.
No, no, no, no, no...Trufant! First he cuts his hair, now he's picking off passes. He looked pretty cool with what he had before. But now that short hair and Trent Dilfer pass combo just doesn't look right.
My god...we lost to these slobs? I can't wait till we play Arizona. That Matt Lienhart does the dreamiest things with his hair. Now, its time to go shake Tubby mcUntucked Polo's hand.
Dear former 12 Seahawks Street Contributor known as Captain Caveman,
You're such a slut. A cheap slut. When God invented sluts, he thought, "hey, just for the hell of it, let's make one out of green suede and dingle balls," and it was you.
Ignore all the "beat themselves" crap coming out of the niner camp and the national media. The Seahawks' defense destroyed the 49ers, and kept them confused, jumpy, panicked and befuddled the entire game. That's what happens when an offensive line is overmatched-- they hold, they jump the count, they overplay and miss their assignment.
It's like playing chess with an eight year-old: You take out some important pieces from him, then all of a sudden he's taking desperate, thoughtless chances, and pretty soon playing the old, "oops, I sneezed with my arm flailing and took out the whole damn board" trick.
So the game is over with. The Seahawks take the lead in the division. Frank Gore is a moron for giving the Seahawks bulletin board material. Justin Smiley is now Mr. Yuk. Larry Allen is a overfilled waterbed with cleats. Trent Dilfer is a gentleman and a traitor. And Darrell Jackson is a lazy fuckin' hippie.
Speaking of hippies, they're stupid, too. Watch, listen as Penn & Teller make complete asses out of these embicilic fuckheads.
