In the wake of the eight-game suspension handed down today by NFL Commissioner Richie Cunningham, the defensive tackle formerly known as Tank Johnson responded with an action surely to indicate his desire to rehabilitate.
In order to distance himself from being associated with guns and ammunitions, he will no longer go by the name Tank, and instead has changed his first name to LoveBug.
"Tanks" he explained, "are big armored vehicles used by the military to kill people and destroy the villages of innocent civilians." While that name helped me establish myself as a bad-ass negroe who destroys the villiages of innocent opponents on gameday, pretty soon you start believing your own shit, and you wind up with a kitchen full of weapons and ammunition sitting on the breakfast table along with your daughter and her bowl of Fruit Loops."
Expounding on his plan, "From this day forward, I want to be known as LoveBug, since my little girl and I split a case of Twinkies and watched that movie when I got home from prison." (Noting that he had to lie on my stomach on the couch, since it still hurts a little when he sits down) "I still plan on being a human wrecking crew on Sundays, but I was looking at that little car, and figured if folks could start associating me with "Herbie" instead of handguns, it would go a long way toward re-making my image. Besides, that Buddy Hackett looks a lot like that guy from the prison laundry that I ass-raped in the shower the night before being released."
Pointing out that similar to Adam Jones, LoveBug had publicly stated to accept the Commissioner Cunninghams punishment without appeal, Mr. Johnson was asked if he stood by his pre-sentencing comments. "Shit yea, I'm sticking to my guns...ummm...planning to stand by my word. Don't you know that I'm not only committed to rehabilitating myself, but have a goal of being named the NFL Man of The Year someday."
Asked if he decided to maintain his surname of Johnson, to avoid a similar Jerry Porter-like law suit over unsold products bearing his name and number, LoveBug just snickered and said, "shit man, after spending 2 months in the big house, ain't nobody buying my jerseys anyhow.", the double-negative adeptly used since inner city youth have been snapping up the #99 Bears jerseys since his conviction. "No" he continued, "I decided to keep the last name of Johnson so I could have something else to change a few months down the road, you know, in case it turns out that I'm still just a enormous prick!"