Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The NFL According to Ichiro: New York Giants

In the coming weeks before training camp, 12 Seahawks Street will feature a season preview of your favorite NFL team, courtesy of everyone's Favorite Quotable Japanese Major League Baseball Player With a Seriously High Batting Average, Ichiro Suzuki. Last week, he pulled the kimono from the Indianapolis Colts. This week, he brings the Giants down to size.

In offseason, your favorite NFL team is like new electronic toy. You look at shiny box and crazy commercial. You talk to salesman is store. It sound like new toy will make you very happy and give amazing fun. But then you open box and play with shiny toy but it sucks donkey shit and shoots sparks and you lose eye.

How can you know if fancy toy is good or not? It helps to hear the very strong opinion from person with special insight and no favoritism. The person open box and check out toy for you, so you know if is good happy fun, or fucked up waste of yen.

Hello, I am Ichiro Suzuki, and I am your guide for up coming NFL season, telling you what teams will be good or bad so you know what to expect, not like surprise shitty toy causing blindness. This week I open box of New York Giants.

Last Season:Finished 8-8; 3-5 at home (yuk); 5-3 on the road (huh?); and 4-2 in the division. Finished 3rd in division with no playoff prospect.

New York is very strange team. If you listen to hype before last season, you think Giants are impressive dynasty, like Hirohito. But really they are average shithead, like joe garbage man with bitchy wife, mangy dog and pregnant children on drugs.

Why are the Giants of American football so dwarf of accomplishment? They seem so full of talent. The answer lies in their infantile leadership.

You would think quarterback on professional football team would be leader. But Eli Manning has discipline of drunken motherless two year old. Sure, he is fantastic in fourth quarter. But where the hell is he for first three? No discipline. He also can throw the ball nice for lot of time, but then for no reason he will lob one like flushed waterfowl with epilepsy. Definitely not leadership type.

Then you have great talent at tight end with Jeremy Shockey. He make great plays that show up on ESPN. Unfortunately, his stupid mouth show up on ESPN, too. Definitely not leadership type.

Don't even talk to me about Plaxico Burress. Another great talent, but if downs off were days off, he would be unemployed hobo living in Cleveland. Definitely not leadership type.

Michael Strahan is very good player, gives strong effort. But spending much time publicly arguing with estranged wife over recent activites of penis is tiresome, especially if she says it was stuffing the pooper of another man. This is fucked up shit, definitely not valiant leader type.

Jay Feeley sucks in clutch. Missing three possible game winning goals in one game tells me he has sparrow eggs for testicles. Definitely not leader type. Not even follower type.

This leaves them with Antonio Pierce for leadership. Big huge, squinty YAWN.

Without any new leaders coming up this season, the Giants will just get worse. When going get tough this season, Giants will wilt like hundred year old dick.

My Own Very Strong Prediction: 7-9 (and I'm being generous); third place in division.

Check back again for more great insight from me, Ichiro Suzuki.


  1. Great piece Ichiro.

    However, I just finished reading it 15 minutes ago, and I find myself hungry for more!

  2. That was funny but who the fuck was Ichiro's translator? My guess is Cheif "talk more like stereotypical Indian than Japanese guy".


  3. Yeah, he talks like Tarzan and Frankenstein, too.

  4. Good call on Tarzan, that's why you're the writer.

    Keep up the good work, where else would learn gay dudes like Kearney's ass, Chris Cooley likes to wear tights and Eli Manning likes to draw wangs on his face?

  5. Hmmm…..Eli Manning……

    If memory serves, the hermit monks of the Laotian Highlands have a saying about Eli Manning: “Follow the Yellow Trail down the pant-leg.” These monks have been able to concoct a odd-smelling tea that promotes long life and a healthier, more vibrant sexual member. This tea is made with trace amount of urine that constantly flows down Eli Manning’s leg whenever he is at Quarterback for the New York Giants. Be sure to add a pinch of peppermint for flavor. And that is why I say, “Follow the Yellow Trail down the pant-leg.” Ha ha ha ha!!!

    (Bites into yellow bell pepper, smiles creepily)

  6. guest = 3bulls guy, Panthers fan from 2 years ago. Mark it down!

  7. Anonymous guest is a stinky cobag? Say it isn't so.

  8. WTF is a stinky cobag?

    Bites into yellow bell pepper?

    Shannon Sharpe?

  9. Google 'cobag' and you will find the 3bulls site we love to hate.

    "Yellow bell pepper" is probably a movie reference, knowing J.L.. Which would be funny. But if it was vague weirdness, it might be funnier.

    I answered your question, anon. Who the hell are you?

  10. Frank Grimes. I like the revamped street, you guys are keeping me entertained during the doldrums of the offseason.

  11. Thanks, grimey. And it's good to see you found another site you're not banned from. :P

  12. I'm a Giants fan and I agree this team is going absolutely nowhere this season and major changes MUST be made.